2 years ago I was nieve! Very much so. I pictured our open adoption as smooth, laid back, not constant contact but e-mailing each other and keeping up online with occasional visits. I still love our open adoption, it was just nothing as I pictured it would be.
I had new info come to light recently… I feel a little sad and a little hurt. I guess why I blog so openly about our adoption is to show that not all open adoptions are perfect, or great or wonderful. At times they are rough! I never pictured all the ups and downs. I never pictured caring so deeply about Samantha. But through it all, I would never change it! My eyes have been opened so much that I can’t pretend it’s all perfect. I wish I had read post like this before our open adoption so I wouldn’t be so blind sided by some of our experiences. Sometimes you have to learn things the hard way, Heaven knows I’ve done that way too many times. Ive learned not to regreat anything. I don’t regreat anything that has taken place in our open adoption.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I Love Sam very much, but it’s hard when you hear from 5 or more people “she lies.” My wondering right now is, how do I deal with our relationship knowing that anything might be a lie? I don’t doubt that she loves Emma, but it can’t help but make you wonder, what else has she lied about? Is she still lying to me? How can I trust her without getting hurt? I want to trust her, but I also don’t want her to be able to just use me or keep lying to me and think she has out smarted me. Why do things have to be so complicated??
Sam was out of jail for all of a day when I say her say something to her friend on Facebook that just made my heart ache, WHY? I expected better of her. I need to let the little things go. It is HER life and if she wants to mess it up, I can’t let it be my problem!