Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Supporting a friend.....

I am working on a post on “How to support a friend during a failed adoption”. It made me think, how would you support a friend after an adoption scam?

I was terrified, literally thought I was going to throw up and was shacking as I told my mom. My parents are great, but I was terrified that my mom was going to be mad (at me) because she had already bought “baby” a lot of stuff! Then as luck would have it, ours was a boy and my sister is having a girl so I can’t even give it to her! Anyways, my mom did not express anything about being upset that she spend money on our fake baby.

I had a few people from church bring us dinner. I didn’t ask, hint, need it or anything, they just did. One wrote me a letter too. Another one, when she called to tell me she was bringing dinner I felt like I wanted to talk to her. You know sometimes you just want to talk. Well, she came over, handed me the food, didn’t even ask how I was doing and left… So give your friends the chance to talk, if they want to.

Another friend and I were expecting our baby boys at the same time. A few days after we found out, was her baby shower. I was going to go, but completely forgot. When I texted her apologizing that I didn’t make it she told me she didn’t expect me to come with what happened and then going to a baby shower! Don’t pressure friends to just “move on” or do baby related things!

My BIGGEST pet peeve about our adoption scam. Don’t judge them for forgiving the “scammer”. I can’t tell you how many times people have told me to cut Sam out of our lives and how many weird looks I get when I talk about how I forgave her. She isn’t just a “scammer” to us, she is also our daughter’s birth mom. I will have a whole slew of quotes on Forgiveness on my HOPE blog soon! I still, almost a year later, get negative comments about it! Really people, LET IT GO!

Don’t pick at the healing scab…
It was interesting, seeing Samantha for the first time (outside of a few jail visits) since finding out there was no baby. 11 months ago I had this bag sitting in our storage room filled with treats and presents for Samantha after she delivered. After finding out the bag was empties and put away. We used it for a little while for carrying library books. But for the most part, it has been empty. Now it was time for Samantha to get released, Christmas and her birthday have both pasted. I took the same bag and put new presents and cards in it. I gave Sam the bag with the stuff in it a few days ago. She loved it and everything in it. As she was leaving she asked, “Are you sure I can keep this bag? It’s so nice!” I gulped, “Yeah, I got it for you…. A while ago!”

Part of me wanted to say, “…for when we thought you were having the baby.” But I dropped it. I’ve forgiven her, it’s no big deal now. Sure, I am crying as I write this, not because I’m mad or angry, but because I’m sad that I can’t just have a baby the “easy way”. Oh how I would love to have another little baby. I don’t even need to get pregnant, I just want another little one to love!

(yes, we have a placement, but it’s a long story. Anyone else know the feeling that a certain child just isn’t meant to be yours? That’s how we feel!)


Denver Laura said...

I had a neighbor who had a failed adoption. (Bio dad came forward) We weren't close, I actually heard from another neighbor. I took over a bottle of wine, some chocolate and a box of tissues. I gave her a hug, said I would listen if she needed. I wasn't quite sure what else I could do. They adopted another baby but I think the pain is still there.

You mentioned all of the things people did at the time, but did you still need somebody to listen to months afterwards? What does the timeframe for grieving look like (for you at least)?

Rae-babe said...

After our losses my husband and I are terrified to try adopting. Another loss would be too much. There was one boy on the foster care site that I thought was it. I wanted to be ready, call an adoption lawer and start the mountain of paperwork but my husband wasn't ready. I still think about that little boy most days and wonder if he'll ever be adopted. For all I know he has been. I hope that's the case.

Sassy Christian Momma said...

we are weeks away from starting foster care and i have experienced failed placement and scams before. you are right- you have to not harbor anger for long- you have to let it go! I 100% agree with you. Our failed placement BM contacted me a few months back just to say hi! It was odd and sad to see what is happening in her life and the life of her baby but, that was her choice- i harbor no ill feelings and wish her all the best!
Keep blog- people like me need your input on foster parenting!