We have had our first post adoption visit with Braxdon’s birth parents. It was a first for us to be dealing with both birth parents. Emma’s biological father has never been a part of her life. We hope that Brax’s bio dad (we’ll call him Brennan) stays in his life, as long with bio mom, Kim.
For months my husband has envisioned how he wanted to tell Kim and Brennan that we have changed Braxdon’s name. How my husband pictured it: have Kim and Brennan come over to our house and sit and talk and tell them. How did it happen? Exactly as my husband had hoped! Kim had been texting and calling me for a few days wanting a visit. Things kept coming up until we finally had it set for Friday afternoon/ evening. Then I got a little surprise when she texted me asking if Brennan could come too! We invited them over for dinner... Funny fact: I am not huge on cooking and baking. I do enjoy it occasionally, but work best if something is planned. I had NO plans for dinner and Kim said they would be over in 10 minutes. I ran around the kitchen and finally settled on spaghetti and garlic bread. It turned out good for my lack of preparation!
Kim and Brennan got there while I was cooking. My husband showed them Brax’s room and then they all sat on the couch and talked until dinner was ready. We eat and talked. My husband was so nervous about telling them that he couldn’t even eat! We went back into the living room to sit and talk some more. My husband has this amazing way of talking to people and a great job explain how hard it was for us to tell them, why, and how “Clyde” would always be a part of who he is. Kim cried. I cried. In the 9 years we’ve been married I’ve seen my husband cry maybe 3 times and last night was almost number 4. It literally broke our hearts to tell Kim and hurt her like that. But we got through it and in the end, she took it pretty well. When I say she cried, it was just a few tears and it wasn’t like she was extremely upset. My husband flat out told her he doesn’t care if she still calls him Clyde. I told her about how at our Christmas visit Emma was calling him Braxdon the whole time and no one caught on! His aunt and uncle that knew we were changing his name to Braxdon heard it and would look at me and laugh!
All in all it was a good first visit.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Why I love “Auntie”
So we had an interesting thing happen just after we got Braxdon in foster care. You see, about 4 years ago we were in a ward (at church, for those who aren’t LDS) and my husband was in the Young Men’s Presidency. There was a young man in one of the classes, I’ll call him “Uncle”. I wouldn’t say they were super close, but my husband knew Uncle pretty well. I would say the same for me and Uncles mom, she was one of the ladies I enjoyed sitting next to and chit chatting with before relief society. We moved out of that ward a month after we got Emma.
Right after we got Braxdon I was doing my usual Facebook stalking of his mom’s (Kim) family. I learn SO much from snooping on Facebook. I was looking at Kim’s sister’s (Auntie) Facebook page and my husband walked in. I had a picture of Auntie up with her husband. My husband walked in and said, “Is that UNCLE!!?!?!” I then realized, yep Braxdon’s aunt is married to the kid we knew years ago “Uncle”.
We weren’t quite sure what to do. We knew that we wanted contact with them, but we weren’t sure how or when. We then ran into Uncle several times at his place of work and he didn’t even realize that we had Braxdon. On a warm summer’s day my husband was taking Braxdon for a walk and discovered Auntie and Uncle lived 8 houses down from us! (They have since moved) Not long after that my husband ran into Uncle’s dad and us having Braxdon and their relationship with him came out in the open. It has been such a great thing. Auntie and Uncle have been amazing about our privacy and have never given out our personal info. Braxdon (and Emma) have been able to spend time with his cousin. We try to hang out once in a while, usually about 1 to 2 times a month.
Tonight I had to sit back and say, I LOVE Auntie and how she respects us. She invited us to her son’s birthday party, I wanted to go and knew the kids would love it, but I had a meeting at the church. There would be people at the church to watch my kids so it’s not like I needed a babysitter. After talking to my husband about it, I texted Auntie and asked if she wanted me to drop Brax off for the party even though Emma and I couldn’t come. She said sure. Right after that I talked to Kim on the phone for the first time. Since we just finalized Brax’s adoption I am slowly started to move forward with the open adoption. As I talked to Kim she asked if we would be at the party. I explained that I couldn’t come but Braxdon would be there.
Not too long after that I got a text from Auntie telling me Kim was going to the party and was I still okay with taking Brax since Kim was going to be there and I wasn’t. That right there is why I love and trust Auntie so much! It’s fun having friends that are also my son’s biological family!
Right after we got Braxdon I was doing my usual Facebook stalking of his mom’s (Kim) family. I learn SO much from snooping on Facebook. I was looking at Kim’s sister’s (Auntie) Facebook page and my husband walked in. I had a picture of Auntie up with her husband. My husband walked in and said, “Is that UNCLE!!?!?!” I then realized, yep Braxdon’s aunt is married to the kid we knew years ago “Uncle”.
We weren’t quite sure what to do. We knew that we wanted contact with them, but we weren’t sure how or when. We then ran into Uncle several times at his place of work and he didn’t even realize that we had Braxdon. On a warm summer’s day my husband was taking Braxdon for a walk and discovered Auntie and Uncle lived 8 houses down from us! (They have since moved) Not long after that my husband ran into Uncle’s dad and us having Braxdon and their relationship with him came out in the open. It has been such a great thing. Auntie and Uncle have been amazing about our privacy and have never given out our personal info. Braxdon (and Emma) have been able to spend time with his cousin. We try to hang out once in a while, usually about 1 to 2 times a month.
Tonight I had to sit back and say, I LOVE Auntie and how she respects us. She invited us to her son’s birthday party, I wanted to go and knew the kids would love it, but I had a meeting at the church. There would be people at the church to watch my kids so it’s not like I needed a babysitter. After talking to my husband about it, I texted Auntie and asked if she wanted me to drop Brax off for the party even though Emma and I couldn’t come. She said sure. Right after that I talked to Kim on the phone for the first time. Since we just finalized Brax’s adoption I am slowly started to move forward with the open adoption. As I talked to Kim she asked if we would be at the party. I explained that I couldn’t come but Braxdon would be there.
Not too long after that I got a text from Auntie telling me Kim was going to the party and was I still okay with taking Brax since Kim was going to be there and I wasn’t. That right there is why I love and trust Auntie so much! It’s fun having friends that are also my son’s biological family!
Friday, February 8, 2013
Things I learned in our first open adoption in Foster Care
#1 You can’t take back info (or pictures) once you give it to the birth family
With Samantha I was too trusting, I was naive, but nothing too serious happened.
At our final visit I gave her a CD of all the pictures I had taken of Emma, including ones with my husband and I in them. After Samantha posted ALL of them on her Facebook/ MySpace I had second thoughts about giving her all those pictures to do as she pleased. This time I am giving Kim ONLY pictures with just Braxdon in them. My only exception is a video of him taking his first steps, it does have my daughter in it, but the hugeness of the milestone is more important to me.
#2 Don't be afraid to make contact with your child's siblings (if you have any)
Honestly, I don't know WHY I waited so long to make contact with Em's siblings adoptive mom. I feared rejection and heard that they didn't want anything to do with us. After 20 months I did contact them and they wanted contact with us too! This time, I will contact right away, either they do or don't want contact with us, only one way to know!
#3 Get as much info as possible and from different sources!
I don't get why Samantha made stuff up or lied about the things she did, but it made making Emma's life story HARD! What was fact, what was BS, what do I include??? I would ask her simple things like Will's dad's name. One time she would tell me it was Wes, the next time it was Wyatt, and another time it was Wade. Once I got in contact with Will's family (via Emma's Facebook account) I got the real name and info!
#2 Don't be afraid to make contact with your child's siblings (if you have any)
Honestly, I don't know WHY I waited so long to make contact with Em's siblings adoptive mom. I feared rejection and heard that they didn't want anything to do with us. After 20 months I did contact them and they wanted contact with us too! This time, I will contact right away, either they do or don't want contact with us, only one way to know!
#3 Get as much info as possible and from different sources!
I don't get why Samantha made stuff up or lied about the things she did, but it made making Emma's life story HARD! What was fact, what was BS, what do I include??? I would ask her simple things like Will's dad's name. One time she would tell me it was Wes, the next time it was Wyatt, and another time it was Wade. Once I got in contact with Will's family (via Emma's Facebook account) I got the real name and info!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Dear Birth Mom,
Dear Birth Mom,
I hope you know that I truly love and cherish our child. That is why I chose to have an open adoption, for my child. I believe it is important for them to be raised knowing their biological family and have the opportunity to know them and have relationships with them.
I also believe it is important that we have a good relationship. In order to have a good relationship there are some things I want you to know...
I have opened the door to this open adoption. If, when the child is older, they do not wish to have contact with you I will respect my child’s wishes. I know it might be hard, or even awkward at first, but I am “Mommy” and my husband is “Daddy”. As my child grows they can decide what they want to refer to you as, weather it is birth mom, your first name or even mom. Until they are old enough, we call you by your first name.
I have changed your child’s name. I get if you are upset or even mad at me. I did not change it to change the child’s identity. I did not change it because I didn’t like it or because I don’t like you. It has nothing to do with you or the name you chose for your child. I feel it is important for my children to know their birth names and the meaning behind them. I want my children to know their birth names are and always will be a part of who they are.
I want to build a beautiful relationship with you that our child will see and know it is safe and healthy. I need some boundaries to make sure it stays healthy for everyone.
I am not an ATM. I do not lend money, items, or a place to stay. I would love to have you over for dinner (or breakfast or lunch) sometimes and on special occasions.
I am not your therapist. As much as I love talking to you, I can’t help you fix your problems.
We love spending time with you, but you being alone with the child is out of the question.
If you want a visit, ask. You cannot show up at my house unexpectedly.
If we have a visit at the park scheduled from 10-12 and you show up at 11:55, I will still be leaving at 12. I cannot postpone my life because you were late.
If you call or text me I promise to respond. Sometimes I might be busy and might not be able to answer. Just leave me a message and I will get back to you when I can.
I love keeping in contact with you via the internet. I will never post pictures of you or any info about you online without your permission. I expect you to do the same for us. Never share our last name, phone number or our address with your friends and family.
We do not judge you if you are still using drugs or even get arrested. That is your life, not ours. But, please do not come to our house while on drugs, brings drugs or alcohol into our home, car or around the kids.
Most of all, be honest with us. I would rather you tell me the truth even if it’s bad then find out you lied to be. I don’t care if you call me at 3 am just to tell me you are using drugs and can’t come to the visit in the morning then have you lie to me about it.
We are mom and dad. We are raising this child as if they are our own. We are in charge of discipline and parenting. Think about it, you get the fun parts!
If our relationship becomes unhealthy or unsafe, I will not continue with an open adoption. I do not want our child to see us having an unhealthy relationship. I do not want your relationship with your child to be built on lies. They will not grow to love you if you hurt them or lie to them. I want what is best for both of you. Most of all, I want you to have an amazing relationship with your child.
Another great post of open adoption in foster care HERE.
I hope you know that I truly love and cherish our child. That is why I chose to have an open adoption, for my child. I believe it is important for them to be raised knowing their biological family and have the opportunity to know them and have relationships with them.
I also believe it is important that we have a good relationship. In order to have a good relationship there are some things I want you to know...
I have opened the door to this open adoption. If, when the child is older, they do not wish to have contact with you I will respect my child’s wishes. I know it might be hard, or even awkward at first, but I am “Mommy” and my husband is “Daddy”. As my child grows they can decide what they want to refer to you as, weather it is birth mom, your first name or even mom. Until they are old enough, we call you by your first name.
I have changed your child’s name. I get if you are upset or even mad at me. I did not change it to change the child’s identity. I did not change it because I didn’t like it or because I don’t like you. It has nothing to do with you or the name you chose for your child. I feel it is important for my children to know their birth names and the meaning behind them. I want my children to know their birth names are and always will be a part of who they are.
I want to build a beautiful relationship with you that our child will see and know it is safe and healthy. I need some boundaries to make sure it stays healthy for everyone.
I am not an ATM. I do not lend money, items, or a place to stay. I would love to have you over for dinner (or breakfast or lunch) sometimes and on special occasions.
I am not your therapist. As much as I love talking to you, I can’t help you fix your problems.
We love spending time with you, but you being alone with the child is out of the question.
If you want a visit, ask. You cannot show up at my house unexpectedly.
If we have a visit at the park scheduled from 10-12 and you show up at 11:55, I will still be leaving at 12. I cannot postpone my life because you were late.
If you call or text me I promise to respond. Sometimes I might be busy and might not be able to answer. Just leave me a message and I will get back to you when I can.
I love keeping in contact with you via the internet. I will never post pictures of you or any info about you online without your permission. I expect you to do the same for us. Never share our last name, phone number or our address with your friends and family.
We do not judge you if you are still using drugs or even get arrested. That is your life, not ours. But, please do not come to our house while on drugs, brings drugs or alcohol into our home, car or around the kids.
Most of all, be honest with us. I would rather you tell me the truth even if it’s bad then find out you lied to be. I don’t care if you call me at 3 am just to tell me you are using drugs and can’t come to the visit in the morning then have you lie to me about it.
We are mom and dad. We are raising this child as if they are our own. We are in charge of discipline and parenting. Think about it, you get the fun parts!
If our relationship becomes unhealthy or unsafe, I will not continue with an open adoption. I do not want our child to see us having an unhealthy relationship. I do not want your relationship with your child to be built on lies. They will not grow to love you if you hurt them or lie to them. I want what is best for both of you. Most of all, I want you to have an amazing relationship with your child.
Another great post of open adoption in foster care HERE.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Foster Care Friday: A few of my favorite things...
I may not be a clean freak, but I love things being organized!
3 years ago our RFC was trying to get ahold us about a placement (Emma to be exact). He called my cell, but it wasn’t working. He came to our house, we didn’t answer. He went to my husband’s work but he was off so he left a message with his co-worker to get ahold of him. Word got back to us, but he hadn’t left his phone number. I went to his office, but it was closed. I was slightly in a panic, he has a placement for us, but I can NOT get ahold of him! My husband asks me, “What about your list of numbers?” Oh, how did I forget?? I have this amazing list of every single person with DCFS’s numbers, office numbers and cell phone numbers. (this was the first time we were asked to take Em, not the actual time we got her.)
(sorry it is all smudged out, but you get the idea!)
I love this because I don’t have to keep 50 different people’s business cards. And it has all the names and numbers in one place in case I need them. I hate storing tons of numbers on my phone, especially if I never call them. I usually just keep our caseworker’s # in my phone and that is it.
3 years ago our RFC was trying to get ahold us about a placement (Emma to be exact). He called my cell, but it wasn’t working. He came to our house, we didn’t answer. He went to my husband’s work but he was off so he left a message with his co-worker to get ahold of him. Word got back to us, but he hadn’t left his phone number. I went to his office, but it was closed. I was slightly in a panic, he has a placement for us, but I can NOT get ahold of him! My husband asks me, “What about your list of numbers?” Oh, how did I forget?? I have this amazing list of every single person with DCFS’s numbers, office numbers and cell phone numbers. (this was the first time we were asked to take Em, not the actual time we got her.)
(sorry it is all smudged out, but you get the idea!)
I love this because I don’t have to keep 50 different people’s business cards. And it has all the names and numbers in one place in case I need them. I hate storing tons of numbers on my phone, especially if I never call them. I usually just keep our caseworker’s # in my phone and that is it.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Why don’t you want ANOTHER baby?
I’m sure people who follow me on Facebook are wondering this... With my history Sam this whole thing has been hard. After we found out she wasn’t pregnant in March of 2011 we went through a LOT. We forgave her, we moved on, we hoped for the best. She got out of prison in Feb. 2012. After a few weeks I could tell she was already back on drugs. In April (yes, 2 MONTHS) she texted me saying she was pregnant. I was pissed, more so furious. As I texted my friend Mama Lark and texted ‘person’ my phone auto-corrected it to ‘Payson’, yep what we were going to name our fake baby. I bawled for the next 20 minutes. Her plan was her and her boyfriend “Don” to provide for the baby and raise it.
About 6 weeks later I get another text from Sam saying she pregnant. Wait a minute, weren’t you already pregnant?!? Nope, the first time was a lie, AGAIN. This time she wanted to prove it to me. She texted me a picture of her pregnancy test and even voluntarily took one right in front of me. Not sure why she wanted to prove it to me since she was planning in keeping the baby. She wasn’t sure if the baby’s dad was “Brad” (who is also her ex’s brother) or a guy named “Jeff”. This time around I really didn’t care. By this time we also had Braxdon.
When she was 4 months pregnant she told me it was a boy. About 5 weeks ago (so 6 weeks before her due date) I saw her say on Facebook it was a girl and she was naming her Brooklyn. About a week after that Sam and I were able to have a long, good conversation about the baby. She flat out asked if we could take guardianship of the baby while she straightened her life out. We knew that if we took this baby for a while, it was going to be forever. (Oh yeah, now she was saying she didn’t know the sex of the baby!)
Instantly I was so stressed out. We were DONE with kids. Over the past 6 months I have sold or given away ALL our baby stuff. I have no clothes, no bottles, no car seat, no cib, nothing at all for a baby. Our car barely fits our 2 kids, no way if would fit 3 car seats. So we would have to buy a new car (oh yeah and it would have to happen within a month so we would be ready by the time baby arrived). Another big problem is, we don’t have room in our house! I get that 3 kids can go in 2 rooms, heck my 2 kids now share 1 room. But, I run my own business from home and really need my office. So if we took her that means I would have to close my business. Plus, we’re planning on opening a store in a few months, so that would also be out. Oh, and we don’t have health insurance, so if we took guardianship and ended up adopting her it would be a private adoption and we would get no help from the state like we have with our foster kids. Plus, Sam admitted to me that she used drugs while pregnant, so this baby could have problems and we would have to pay for everything out of our pockets!
Do I want this baby? YES! Do I feel it is best for our family? No. Unfortunately, no. My husband really does NOT want this baby either. I kept asking him, “Well, what would we do if I got pregnant?” His response, “We would have 9 months to get ready, buy stuff, get a new car, figure stuff out. We have 3 weeks until Sam’s baby comes.” I totally got it. As much as I wanted this baby at the same time it made me sick that my whole life plan would change. The next day my husband said he still felt like we shouldn’t. I agreed that I loved the idea of going back to my previous plan of 2 kids and running my business and opening my store! The previous day when I talked to Sam and she wanted us to watch the baby she said she would call me the next day and we would talk again about it. She never brought it up again...
Well, she had the baby. A girl named Addison.
2 days later Sam’s mom (Kay) called me and told me CPS has removed the baby and can we take the baby? I told her no, we can’t.
I thought maybe if I could talk to Sam and see if she wanted to relinquish her parental rights and place the baby for adoption. She is avoiding my calls, I think because of this situation. So for now, baby Addison is going into foster care. We live in different states so we can’t get her through foster care either. Would we want her if we could get her through foster care? Yes and No, mainly, no. It does make me sad. At the same time, I am already struggling with my 2 kids. I love them both dearly, but they mesh like oil and water! They fight and scream and cry all day long! Braxdon is currently crying because he gave the dog a bit of his cereal and she eat it when he didn’t want her to eat it. Not sure what he expected to happen when he gave it to her. Plus, 3 kids aged 3 and under, NO! Yes, this baby would be a blessing, but why not bless another family with this baby. My family is complete, unless I ever get pregnant. :)
About 6 weeks later I get another text from Sam saying she pregnant. Wait a minute, weren’t you already pregnant?!? Nope, the first time was a lie, AGAIN. This time she wanted to prove it to me. She texted me a picture of her pregnancy test and even voluntarily took one right in front of me. Not sure why she wanted to prove it to me since she was planning in keeping the baby. She wasn’t sure if the baby’s dad was “Brad” (who is also her ex’s brother) or a guy named “Jeff”. This time around I really didn’t care. By this time we also had Braxdon.
When she was 4 months pregnant she told me it was a boy. About 5 weeks ago (so 6 weeks before her due date) I saw her say on Facebook it was a girl and she was naming her Brooklyn. About a week after that Sam and I were able to have a long, good conversation about the baby. She flat out asked if we could take guardianship of the baby while she straightened her life out. We knew that if we took this baby for a while, it was going to be forever. (Oh yeah, now she was saying she didn’t know the sex of the baby!)
Instantly I was so stressed out. We were DONE with kids. Over the past 6 months I have sold or given away ALL our baby stuff. I have no clothes, no bottles, no car seat, no cib, nothing at all for a baby. Our car barely fits our 2 kids, no way if would fit 3 car seats. So we would have to buy a new car (oh yeah and it would have to happen within a month so we would be ready by the time baby arrived). Another big problem is, we don’t have room in our house! I get that 3 kids can go in 2 rooms, heck my 2 kids now share 1 room. But, I run my own business from home and really need my office. So if we took her that means I would have to close my business. Plus, we’re planning on opening a store in a few months, so that would also be out. Oh, and we don’t have health insurance, so if we took guardianship and ended up adopting her it would be a private adoption and we would get no help from the state like we have with our foster kids. Plus, Sam admitted to me that she used drugs while pregnant, so this baby could have problems and we would have to pay for everything out of our pockets!
Do I want this baby? YES! Do I feel it is best for our family? No. Unfortunately, no. My husband really does NOT want this baby either. I kept asking him, “Well, what would we do if I got pregnant?” His response, “We would have 9 months to get ready, buy stuff, get a new car, figure stuff out. We have 3 weeks until Sam’s baby comes.” I totally got it. As much as I wanted this baby at the same time it made me sick that my whole life plan would change. The next day my husband said he still felt like we shouldn’t. I agreed that I loved the idea of going back to my previous plan of 2 kids and running my business and opening my store! The previous day when I talked to Sam and she wanted us to watch the baby she said she would call me the next day and we would talk again about it. She never brought it up again...
Well, she had the baby. A girl named Addison.
2 days later Sam’s mom (Kay) called me and told me CPS has removed the baby and can we take the baby? I told her no, we can’t.
I thought maybe if I could talk to Sam and see if she wanted to relinquish her parental rights and place the baby for adoption. She is avoiding my calls, I think because of this situation. So for now, baby Addison is going into foster care. We live in different states so we can’t get her through foster care either. Would we want her if we could get her through foster care? Yes and No, mainly, no. It does make me sad. At the same time, I am already struggling with my 2 kids. I love them both dearly, but they mesh like oil and water! They fight and scream and cry all day long! Braxdon is currently crying because he gave the dog a bit of his cereal and she eat it when he didn’t want her to eat it. Not sure what he expected to happen when he gave it to her. Plus, 3 kids aged 3 and under, NO! Yes, this baby would be a blessing, but why not bless another family with this baby. My family is complete, unless I ever get pregnant. :)
Monday, January 28, 2013
The Road to Braxdon (aka Clyde)
I know I’ve shared most of this, but I want it all on one past. How Braxdon came into our lives….
It seemed like the second the initial shock of finding out we wouldn’t be adopting #2 wore off I was on the phone with our RCF (Resource Family Consultant, they do all the foster care placements) telling him to re-activate our file. We were ready and expecting a baby, so why not?
I also did a little snooping trying to get to the bottom of the adoption lies with #2. I found out via MySpace that the (fake) baby was Sam’s friends. It was her ultrasounds she was showing me. Her friend was also having a boy and was due at the same exact time. I saw on MySpace she was naming her baby Joey*. I didn’t look at her profile after that or look into anything else. I moved on with my life. About 10 weeks later I got a call from our RFC asking if we were interested in a placement. He told me it was a 7 week old boy named Joey. (Yes, the SAME one!)I was utterly shocked. From the moment Joey got into our home we knew he was not meant to be ours. Funny how for 8 months we thought he was ours, it got ripped out from under us, we got him a few months later but knew he wasn’t going to be ours. He went to a family member 3 weeks later.
It was 7+ months before we got another placement, Chandler. Again, we knew right away he wasn’t ours. In fact, that is why DCFS moved him out of our home was because we didn’t want to adopt him.
6 weeks after Chandler left we were on our way home from the Utah Adoption Council Conference. We had been there for 2 days along with our RFC and others from DCFS in our region. We left 1 class early because we were dying to get home to Emma. Just after we got on the road Brad’s phone rang. It was one of his co-workers “Scott”. I was only hearing my husband’s side of the conversation, but it went a little like this, “I’m just on my way home from an adoption conference.” … “Yeah, we do foster care.” … (my mind is kinda a blur about this part because I was becoming excited!) “Tell her to request us. Tell them (DCFS) we are a family friend. They will most likely place him with us if she request us.” After he hung up I asked the details. Brad said he couldn’t understand Scott at first, but his family member or friend had just had her 11 month old son removed. They were going to court in a few hours and she was going to request he be placed in our home.
The next few hours were long because I knew our RFC was still in the adoption conference and wouldn’t be figuring out this placement until later in the day if not the next day. Within an hour of the adoption conference letting out my cell phone was ringing. I was elated to see it was our RFC. He asked if our adopted daughter’s birth mom was Kim. Um, no it’s not. Our RFC explained that he was given our info on a case, but he wasn’t sure why. I asked if it was an 11 month old boy. He said yes. I explained to him how it was my husband’s co-worker’s family or friend and they were requesting us. He explained that they needed to get in contact with Kim’s other child’s adoptive parents because they were first in line to get Braxdon (Clyde, for the record, my husband picked that name because he was such a chunk or a Clydesdale as my husband called him). A day or two later our RFC called again and said Braxdon’s siblings’ adoptive parents didn’t want him, but he felt we were too close to the situation. They would take it up with the adoption committee 3 days later.
I had never had a placement drag on like this. The more time that went by the more I knew we were not going to get him. 3 days later (on a Monday) our RFC informed us they had placed Braxdon in another home. I was furious. No, he is meant to be in MY home! (I didn’t actually tell our RFC that). Two days later Scott called my husband and they had a long chat about Braxdon and the fact that DCFS placed him with another family. The day after that our RFC called and asked if he could come by and have us sign the reimbursement forms from the adoption conference. He said he needed to talk to us about something too. I was a nervous wreck, What on earth did he want to talk about?!? My husband works graveyard shifts and sleeps during the day. I woke him up about 3 hours early so that he would be there to talk to our RFC with me. Our RFC came over, we signed the forms and then he asked, “So, that placement we had been talking about. Are you still interested in him?” I was beyond shocked and excited. “YES!”. He explained that the family that they had placed him with had called him and said they no longer wanted him in their home. My excitement drained right out of me, “WHY?” I thought, especially after the struggles we had with Chandler, there must be something really wrong with him. He said that Braxdon was completely normal, happy and healthy. I knew the other foster mom who had him and she later told me it was like she was hit with post-partum depression and she couldn’t function at all. A few hours later we picked up Braxdon!
We knew right away that there was a good chance Braxdon’s case would be going to adoption. The case wasn’t really black or white and we had no idea what was going to happen.
With both Emma and Braxdon, their birth moms loved seeing us interact with their children. A lot of times foster parents don’t want to meet or deal with the birth parents. I personally LOVE it! Seeing how happy Braxdon was with us made Kim more comfortable with us. Then at our Team Meeting (4 months into our case) our caseworker asked Kim what she thought was best for Braxdon. She responded that she felt like he was happy with us and he was best staying with us. It was an amazing experience being able to be there with her in court when she relinquished. As we sat outside the court room and talked before we went in I told her, “From the day we got him, we knew he was meant to be in our home. Whether it went to adoption or not, our home is where he was supposed to be!”
It seemed like the second the initial shock of finding out we wouldn’t be adopting #2 wore off I was on the phone with our RCF (Resource Family Consultant, they do all the foster care placements) telling him to re-activate our file. We were ready and expecting a baby, so why not?
I also did a little snooping trying to get to the bottom of the adoption lies with #2. I found out via MySpace that the (fake) baby was Sam’s friends. It was her ultrasounds she was showing me. Her friend was also having a boy and was due at the same exact time. I saw on MySpace she was naming her baby Joey*. I didn’t look at her profile after that or look into anything else. I moved on with my life. About 10 weeks later I got a call from our RFC asking if we were interested in a placement. He told me it was a 7 week old boy named Joey. (Yes, the SAME one!)I was utterly shocked. From the moment Joey got into our home we knew he was not meant to be ours. Funny how for 8 months we thought he was ours, it got ripped out from under us, we got him a few months later but knew he wasn’t going to be ours. He went to a family member 3 weeks later.
It was 7+ months before we got another placement, Chandler. Again, we knew right away he wasn’t ours. In fact, that is why DCFS moved him out of our home was because we didn’t want to adopt him.
6 weeks after Chandler left we were on our way home from the Utah Adoption Council Conference. We had been there for 2 days along with our RFC and others from DCFS in our region. We left 1 class early because we were dying to get home to Emma. Just after we got on the road Brad’s phone rang. It was one of his co-workers “Scott”. I was only hearing my husband’s side of the conversation, but it went a little like this, “I’m just on my way home from an adoption conference.” … “Yeah, we do foster care.” … (my mind is kinda a blur about this part because I was becoming excited!) “Tell her to request us. Tell them (DCFS) we are a family friend. They will most likely place him with us if she request us.” After he hung up I asked the details. Brad said he couldn’t understand Scott at first, but his family member or friend had just had her 11 month old son removed. They were going to court in a few hours and she was going to request he be placed in our home.
The next few hours were long because I knew our RFC was still in the adoption conference and wouldn’t be figuring out this placement until later in the day if not the next day. Within an hour of the adoption conference letting out my cell phone was ringing. I was elated to see it was our RFC. He asked if our adopted daughter’s birth mom was Kim. Um, no it’s not. Our RFC explained that he was given our info on a case, but he wasn’t sure why. I asked if it was an 11 month old boy. He said yes. I explained to him how it was my husband’s co-worker’s family or friend and they were requesting us. He explained that they needed to get in contact with Kim’s other child’s adoptive parents because they were first in line to get Braxdon (Clyde, for the record, my husband picked that name because he was such a chunk or a Clydesdale as my husband called him). A day or two later our RFC called again and said Braxdon’s siblings’ adoptive parents didn’t want him, but he felt we were too close to the situation. They would take it up with the adoption committee 3 days later.
I had never had a placement drag on like this. The more time that went by the more I knew we were not going to get him. 3 days later (on a Monday) our RFC informed us they had placed Braxdon in another home. I was furious. No, he is meant to be in MY home! (I didn’t actually tell our RFC that). Two days later Scott called my husband and they had a long chat about Braxdon and the fact that DCFS placed him with another family. The day after that our RFC called and asked if he could come by and have us sign the reimbursement forms from the adoption conference. He said he needed to talk to us about something too. I was a nervous wreck, What on earth did he want to talk about?!? My husband works graveyard shifts and sleeps during the day. I woke him up about 3 hours early so that he would be there to talk to our RFC with me. Our RFC came over, we signed the forms and then he asked, “So, that placement we had been talking about. Are you still interested in him?” I was beyond shocked and excited. “YES!”. He explained that the family that they had placed him with had called him and said they no longer wanted him in their home. My excitement drained right out of me, “WHY?” I thought, especially after the struggles we had with Chandler, there must be something really wrong with him. He said that Braxdon was completely normal, happy and healthy. I knew the other foster mom who had him and she later told me it was like she was hit with post-partum depression and she couldn’t function at all. A few hours later we picked up Braxdon!
We knew right away that there was a good chance Braxdon’s case would be going to adoption. The case wasn’t really black or white and we had no idea what was going to happen.
With both Emma and Braxdon, their birth moms loved seeing us interact with their children. A lot of times foster parents don’t want to meet or deal with the birth parents. I personally LOVE it! Seeing how happy Braxdon was with us made Kim more comfortable with us. Then at our Team Meeting (4 months into our case) our caseworker asked Kim what she thought was best for Braxdon. She responded that she felt like he was happy with us and he was best staying with us. It was an amazing experience being able to be there with her in court when she relinquished. As we sat outside the court room and talked before we went in I told her, “From the day we got him, we knew he was meant to be in our home. Whether it went to adoption or not, our home is where he was supposed to be!”
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