Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Just don't...

You know that feeling when you meet someone or find out someone you know has struggled with infertility. It's an automatic connection. It's nice when we can sympathize with each other.

Then... sometimes there is that person who thinks they can sympathize with you. You sit there nodding your head while you think, "You have no have no clue what it is really like!" Ever happened to you?

 I've been dealing with my crazy cycles for 19 years! 6 weeks ago I went to my doctor (physician) because of my non-stop cycle. Last year he recommended a hysterectomy, but at the time we didn't have insurance. He said once we got insurance he'd give me a referral. We got our health insurance in May thanks to my hubby's new job!

I thought a lot about it. I weighed my options. I thought about the pros and cons. I allowed myself to grieve the fact that I would never ever ever get pregnant. Once I was done I was 100% sure I was ready for a hysterectomy. So my doctor gave me a referral to a local OBGYN. He told me the OB might try some other methods before committing to the hysterectomy.

I went into his office ready to fight for my hysterectomy. It was over 6 years ago that I begged my current OB to do a hysterectomy. I was 24 at the time! The OB walked into the room, looked at my paperwork and said, "You want a hysterectomy and you have adopted 2 kids. Okay!" My jaw about hit a floor. I was so over the moon excited. Things moved along perfectly and very fast. 4 weeks from the day I went to my physician for the referral I was laying on my couch healing from my hysterectomy!

Needless to say, I've been pretty happy about it. I wanted it. According to my OB my uterus was in horrible condition and it needed to be done. We did the right thing.  I have zero regrets.

Well tonight at a church activity a woman started talking to me about it. Side note, this woman has 5 biological children and no (known to me at least) fertility problems. She asked if it was a sudden thing, "No, I've been trying to get one for 6 years!". She says, "We should of talked about this sooner! I used to have the same exact problem with my bleeding! My doctor wanted to do a hysterectomy, but I wouldn't have it! I went to this doctor and he put me on this hormone therapy and it regulated my cycles."

I seriously want to punch her in the face! I am happy I had my hysterectomy. It is what my body needed. I've tried so many different "hormone therapies" and guess what, none of them work for me! A hysterectomy was the right thing for my body. I get that others might be able to deal with things differently, but this IS what my body needed. His lady is highly opinionated, so I just sat there nodding along.

It made me think of this quote:

Sometimes we are too quick to judge, mock, or minimize. 

Sunday, August 23, 2015

22 Things You Should Know About Fertility

Great article about 22 things you should know about fertility.

1. If you think you might ever want kids, you should start thinking about it and planning for it in your twenties.

2. Fertility issues can affect both men and women. It’s a couple’s issue, not just a woman’s problem.

3. It can take a while to get pregnant, even for young, fertile, healthy couples.

(read more here)

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The truth about Foster Care

I did NOTHING wrong...
I heard it before and I’m sure I’ll hear it again. I remember Kim saying that before we got Braxdon. My advice to her was, than prove that to DCFS (Division of Child & Family Services). Do whatever they want you to do to get him back!

I’ve heard most birth parents say, “DCFS had NO reason to take my child!” Why do they say this?
1) They are in denial there is a problem
2) They don’t want to admit to themselves ot others they were doing something wrong
No one wants to admit they are a bad or unfit parent.

I was just scrolling through Facebook while waiting for a load of laundry to finish. I saw a link to an article about a child that was “wrongfully taken”. Now, I’m sure there are times that children have been taken for no legitimate reason... BUT 99% of the time, there is a good reason that DFCS steps in and removes the child from the home. They are not into baby stealing or medical kipnapping.

In majority of our foster children’s cases investigations went on for weeks or months before a judge determined there was enough legal findings to remove the child/ children. In fact, CPS (Child Protective Services) had been out to investigate Samantha to see if they should remove Emma from her. After they came Samantha knew she would be taken so she fled the state with her. A month later when she came back, Emma was then removed.

They do NOT just knock on your door and say, give me your kid!

The goal in Foster Care to “reunification”, to reunite the child with their parents. DCFS doesn’t take children to give them to childless couples. They want to keep families together. They believe that the best place for a child is with its birth parents. Obviously if they parents are using drugs then that is not the best place for the child. DCFS does everything they can to work with the parents to get their children back to them.

I remember one case I was called about. I was told they were investigating a family for neglect and might possibly be removing the children and wanted to have foster homes lined up. We agreed to take one of the children should they be removed. A few days later I was informed that they decided to not remove the children. Instead they were going to work with the parents in counseling and parenting classes to try to fix the problem without removing the children from the home.

Brad’s co-worker (Kim’s friend) was so upset when Braxdon was taken. He kept telling us over and over again “They had NO reason to take him!” Sometimes we don’t want to see that our friends or family are doing something wrong. It is easier to blame the government then to see someone we care about being unequipped to parent their child. In Braxdon’s case, I actually was able to read the report of their investigation and yes, they had found legitimate proof that he should be removed. Kim and her friend were in denial that anything was wrong. Kim’s friend told us, “The only truth to the report is their names!” My husband told him, “Then it should be easy for her to get him back! Take their drug tests, do what DCFS asks. If she really is clean and equipped to parent then she will have no problem getting him back!”

When Samantha had her 4th child removed she told me the couple that DCFS placed the baby with had been trying to give her money for the baby before it was born (which is illegal). Then once the baby was born DCFS took it from her and give it to this couple. It is easier to scapegoat the problem onto the state or foster couple than admit you’re wrong.

If my own sister or best friend were to have their children removed I would be heartbroken for them. However, you never know what is going on behind closed doors. For all I know my best friends could be abusing her kids and they should be removed from her. If DCFS says they are abusing their kids, or neglecting them, or using drugs, I would tell them the same thing I tell all birth parents, “Then do whatever DCFS wants to get your kids back/ prove DCFS had no reason to remove them.”

I do know someone who’s ex-husband filed a false report with DCFS saying she was abusing the their kids. He wanted DCFS to remove them from her and give him full custody. She was able to prove to DCFS before the kids were ever removed that the allegations were false. The case was then dropped.

Yes, I’ve heard the stories of horrible foster parents killing the children in their care. It does happen. It is heartbreaking and sad. There are foster parents who “do it for the money”, but trust me, you don’t make a lot! FYI to bring in my husband’s income I would need to be caring for about 6 kids, but then I would have 6 more mouths to feed than usual, so more like 7 or 8 just to make ends meet. Oh and there are laws that you can’t have more than X amount of children in foster care in your home all at the same time. I can’t remember the number off the top of my head, I believe it is 4, unless it is a sibling group. And you have to have enough bedrooms/ square feet to equip that many children. Since our house is 3 bedrooms, 1 being the master, 1 room is only big enough for 1 child and the other room is big enough for 2 children we would only be approved to care for 3 children total (including our own/ adopted children).

*Note- I’m only speaking from my experiences and I’ve only dealt with foster care in the state of Utah.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Don't Save My Child....

Great article (here)

If you've been a foster parent or adopted through foster care you might connect with this.
If you know anyone who's done foster care, then you should read this!

I can totally relate this to when we had Isaac... I had to work hard with him. He would ask me for a treat, if I EVER gave him one (or exactly what he wanted)if caused future chaos! Because the next time he would ask for something, if I said no, he would meltdown. And I don't mean a little crying, huge tantrum meltdown for the next week or so everytime he didn't get his way. So I had to work hard to stand my ground and not give in. Then one day we were visiting family. He asked for chocolate milk, I said no. A family member thought I was being too harsh with him, so they made him a chocolate milk and gave me a dirty look as they handed it to him. They had no idea what I really was dealing with, with him. Now, don't go thinking I never gave him anything. He did get treats as reward for eating all his dinner or me just giving him something. It just could not be when he demanded or expected it.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Great article on Foster Care!

I've had so many people tell me, "I couldn't do it!" and ask how I could do it knowing there WILL be heart break.

(here)

Monday, November 18, 2013

Article- Her Own Child

If you haven't read this amazing story, then go read it!

(here)

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Re: the letter

In response to one question- Is open adoptions legally binding in your state? Or can you stop it at any time?

Honestly, I don’t know about that law in my state. Adopting through foster care is completely different from adopting privately or through an agency. Through foster care, no it is not legally binding. It is a verbal agreement between the birth parents and adoptive (foster) parents.

Regarding the comments that I’m the one being childlike and nasty, I saw those opinions coming. I hesitated on posting this. I personally think that people shouldn’t judge other people’s experiences... You don’t know me. You don’t know my son’s birth mom. You don’t know how she has treated me. Honestly... I was being NICE in the letter. Because Kim has treated me like scum. SO disregard the fact that she gave birth to my son. Would you want someone in your life and the life of your children that treats you horribly? I hope not. But, because she gave birth to my son and because she decided to place him for adoption to me and my husband I am at least trying here.

I am trying to make some clear boundaries here with her. I don’t want to confuse my son. Wouldn’t it be confusing when your birth mom comes around once a month or every other month and she wants you to call her mommy. She parents you, but it is completely different from the way your parents do it? I’ve actually been through this. I know I had different experiences then my son or daughter will. When my birth father came around for the first time I was 14, saw him twice a year and he tried to parent me, it was ridiculous! It made me want to rebel again him. It made me not want to be around him. I know from my own experiences how it may affect my son.

I am NOT closing the adoption. I am not cutting off any contact. I am trying to set boundaries.

Someone commented that all I made the whole thing about myself and not my son... I wouldn’t be doing this (writing her this letter) if I actually through that the way the relationship was going was healthy for my son. Because I do NOT see the path we are taking as being a healthy relationship between Kim and Braxdon. I want it to be healthy, which is why I am trying to bit these problems in the butt! I don’t think it is healthy to tell my son he is going to have a visit with his birth mom on Christmas day, and then have her not show up. It makes him think she is flaky, that she isn’t to be trusted, that maybe her using drugs are more important than seeing him on Christmas day...

It is also confusing for Braxdon that we call him Braxdon and different people call him Owen. If you ask him what is name is, he says Braxdon. After a visit with his birth family (they call him Owen still) I asked him what his name was and he said Owen. This IS affect him.

Since I didn’t respond to her right away she had one of her friends text me and swear at me. What is say that 14 years down the road she doesn’t do the same thing to Braxdon? I’m sure some are thinking, she wouldn’t do that to her son. Again, speaking from experience, yes, parents are capable of treating their children like that.

It is so very different that he came to us through foster care. I do love and respect Kim. This is nothing against her. Her experiences are different from birth moms who decided to place their children from adoption. She didn’t WANT to place him for adoption. She planned on raising him forever. However, she also did (and still does) drugs. Because of that the state took him from her. She didn’t want that to happen. Even while using drugs she thought she was what was best for him. She didn’t want to place him for adoption, but after a 4 months and it was not looking like she would get him back, she decided to relinquish her parental rights. I know that doesn’t change the fact that she is hurting. She misses her son. She is still holding on to the dream of raising him. She still is trying to raise him, which I don’t think helps her with her healing. She has told me, “I have a hard time seeing him. When I leave it kills me and I struggle every time.” She still doesn’t want to accept the adoption. This relationship isn’t healthy for her either. Which is why we need some changes. So this can be healthy and good for her and for Braxdon. I didn’t write the letter to be selfish, or rude, or nasty. I want Braxdon to have a healthy relationship with birth mom.