Sunday, February 13, 2011

What if...

I just saw this "Ask a Birthmom" question on Mrs. R's blog.

"Our son's birth mother is pregnant again and will be parenting her daughter. I realize that this may be speculation for some of the birth mothers on the panel, but how do you think a situation like this might change her feelings about placing her first child? Might there be a strong desire for the two children to associate together often since they will be half brother/sister?"

Now I'm not a birthmom, but we did have this question on our minds when Sam told us she was pregnant. We got asked it by one of my friends. What if she did parent this baby? How would we feel? Would we be not be as open with her? Would we be mad at her? Yes, I was actually asked all those questions, which I why I'm glad we kept it a secret from most people until she decided to place him for adoption to us.

I was very blunt with Sam when she announced her pregnant. But then again, she became pregnant weeks after relinquishing on Emma. I told her that Brad and I supported her if she decided to raise the baby. I knew in my heart the baby was meant to be ours though. I also told her that if she felt she couldn't parent Emma 1 month earlier, then what had changed to all of a sudden make her ready to parent? But, still supportive if she kept the baby.

I don't think our open adoption would change at all. I'd want to meet the baby and have Emma be a part of her sibling's life. I still do want her to get to know her other siblings. One of my friends though Emma might be mad at Sam if she decided to parent the baby after just relinquishing on her. Honestly, I'm not Emma so I don't know how she would feel. But I would explain to her that Samantha felt that we were meant to be her parents and she (Sam) was in a better place in her life and she felt better able to raise a baby and she did what she thought was best for both (all of) her children.

Sam has also recently been talking to me about her decision to get her tubes tied. She is scared because she wants to be a mom someday. She wants to get married and have children with her husband. But, this will be her 4th C-Section and she knows she can not have any more. She feels torn because she knows she can't have more, but still wants to have children of her own (years from now, she told me at least 6 years from now). If she were to get married and have children, I'd be nothing but happy for her. I'd definitely want my kids to know their 1/2 siblings. What if she wasn't married and had children? Because I know Sam, I would be extremely worried that they would end up in Foster Care, but I would also trust her that she was doing what was best for her child. I do feel that if she were married her children would have a better chance, but that's just because I know how she is and acts.

The other day I had to laugh at something she told me, "You're always there for me, even when I'm stupid." I don't know how or why, but I seriously can't not be there for her even when she makes a dumb mistake and ends up back in jail. It's not just because she's pregnant with our baby. I don't feel obligated to just because she is my kids birth mom. I can't explain it other then I love her too much to not be there for her. And I also know what it feels like having no support and feeling alone.

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