Wednesday, January 26, 2011

How do things get so complicated?

Today as I was driving home from the jail I thought, How do things get so complicated?!? As much as I love Emma, Samantha and baby, Things are so crazy/ stressful at times. And I choice this. I wanted an open adoption. I wanted to adopt Sam's baby. I asked for this, but how did it become so dang complicated!?

Sam was supposed to get out today at 4. I went at 4, nope it was changed to a hefty amount of bail. No idea when she's getting out now... sigh. I hate it! Can I just go to sleep and wake up when baby's being born? I worry (like a lot) about her being in jail and pregnant. What if she's in when she delivers? How will that affect our adoption plan? Will I be able to be in on the C-Section as planned? What about after he's born? What if something happens while she's in there and I don't know? I'm sure she'll be out before she delivers, but I still worry. If I do talk to her, I have a 3 hour chance, once a week to talk to her for 30 minutes. If anything's going on in the pregnancy, I can't know. It's torture being this close to baby's arrive.

One day my friend told me (she's due a few weeks after Sam) "I can feel my baby move and know he's okay. You can't feel yours and be re-assured he's fine." Yep, it sucks. To be honest, I prefer DCFS ups and downs. I mean, I'm so excited for baby, but it's been emotionally draining. Longest 6 months of my life and still have about 2 to go!

Today after I left the jail and had a stressed out meltdown I thought, Man, if only I could have my own children, it would be so much less complicated! Not trying to be negative about it all, but anyone else who's adopted or dealt with infertility feel like it makes your life way more complicated then it should be??

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