Dear Birth Mom,

Dear Birth Mom,

I hope you know that I truly love and cherish our child. That is why I chose to have an open adoption, for my child. I believe it is important for them to be raised knowing their biological family and have the opportunity to know them and have relationships with them.

I also believe it is important that we have a good relationship. In order to have a good relationship there are some things I want you to know...

I have opened the door to this open adoption. If, when the child is older, they do not wish to have contact with you I will respect my child’s wishes. I know it might be hard, or even awkward at first, but I am “Mommy” and my husband is “Daddy”. As my child grows they can decide what they want to refer to you as, weather it is birth mom, your first name or even mom. Until they are old enough, we call you by your first name.

I have changed your child’s name. I get if you are upset or even mad at me. I did not change it to change the child’s identity. I did not change it because I didn’t like it or because I don’t like you. It has nothing to do with you or the name you chose for your child. I feel it is important for my children to know their birth names and the meaning behind them. I want my children to know their birth names are and always will be a part of who they are.

I want to build a beautiful relationship with you that our child will see and know it is safe and healthy. I need some boundaries to make sure it stays healthy for everyone.

I am not an ATM. I do not lend money, items, or a place to stay. I would love to have you over for dinner (or breakfast or lunch) sometimes and on special occasions.
I am not your therapist. As much as I love talking to you, I can’t help you fix your problems.
We love spending time with you, but you being alone with the child is out of the question.
If you want a visit, ask. You cannot show up at my house unexpectedly.
If we have a visit at the park scheduled from 10-12 and you show up at 11:55, I will still be leaving at 12. I cannot postpone my life because you were late.
If you call or text me I promise to respond. Sometimes I might be busy and might not be able to answer. Just leave me a message and I will get back to you when I can.
I love keeping in contact with you via the internet. I will never post pictures of you or any info about you online without your permission. I expect you to do the same for us. Never share our last name, phone number or our address with your friends and family.
We do not judge you if you are still using drugs or even get arrested. That is your life, not ours. But, please do not come to our house while on drugs, brings drugs or alcohol into our home, car or around the kids.
Most of all, be honest with us. I would rather you tell me the truth even if it’s bad then find out you lied to be. I don’t care if you call me at 3 am just to tell me you are using drugs and can’t come to the visit in the morning then have you lie to me about it.
We are mom and dad. We are raising this child as if they are our own. We are in charge of discipline and parenting. Think about it, you get the fun parts!

If our relationship becomes unhealthy or unsafe, I will not continue with an open adoption. I do not want our child to see us having an unhealthy relationship. I do not want your relationship with your child to be built on lies. They will not grow to love you if you hurt them or lie to them. I want what is best for both of you. Most of all, I want you to have an amazing relationship with your child.

Another great post of open adoption in foster care HERE.