Friday, June 8, 2012

open adoption questions...

I am exhausted, but can't sleep! Don't you hate that?! I figured since I never seem to have time to blog anymore I will try now... I am out of town for my cousin's funeral and typing in the same room my daughter is sleep in, so we will see how this goes.

What do you do when your family does NOT support your open adoption? My dilemma right now... My parents don't like it, my husbands parents don't like it, I know at least one of his siblings doesn't like it and oh yeah, Sam's dad and step-mom don't like it (although they still want to be in said open adoption and in contact, they just don't want us in contact with Sam)

Where do you set your boundaries in your open adoption? I'm trying to figure this out too. Like I said, I'm out of town, and in the same town as Sam. Because our foster son "Clyde" was going to be coming with us, we were not going to see Sam and tell her we were in town. Because he didn't come with us and it is just Emma and I here, we did see her. We surprised her yesterday and I planned on talking to her. We swam together at her apartment and after swimming she, wait for it..... showed me her positive pregnancy tests. THEN she asked me to come with her as she took another, she got a 3 pack so she was just using it/ showing me in person. Yes, she is in FACT pregnant. No, she is NOT planning on placing this baby for adoption. How do I feel about all this, I don't really care! Honestly, it's her baby, it's her life. Now if DCFS is going to remove the baby at any point, then YES I do want it! Only problem is we live in different states! Anyways, that isn't want I wanted to write about.... I wanted to talk to Sam about our open adoption. We have been lied to, hurt and used. We forgave her and gave her a second chance. Since then, she has not done anything wrong. I have caught her in a few dumb lies. But the other night I heard through the grapevine, she was using again.

When I read that I realized how as Em is getting older I need to protect her. This is no ordinary open adoption and I think that is why so many people disapprove of it! Since I didn't get to talk to her yesterday I invited her to lunch today. We talked a little about "Clyde", because of her DCFS history I won't tell her his name or anything. She does know his birthmom though, of course! Everyone in our town knows each other, especially if you have kids removed! Then I asked her about her drug use. She admitted to using Spice recently and said she has otherwise been clean. Because of her story about using and how I found out I completely believe the story. It was hard, but I told her that all I cared about was 100% honesty from her. I don't care if she uses, it's her life, but I can NOT have a relationship with her if she lies to us. I explained how I want Emma to see their relationship as someone she can trust. I don't want Emma to think her birth mom is not trustworthy. So the ball is in Sam's court. If she keeps lying, we're done. I can't have an active relationship with her and put my daughter's emotional well being at stake. I don't care what happens though, I will always have the Facebook account so she can see her and know what is going on. I would just no longer call, text or do visits. She completely understands. She told me, "I shouldn't have to prove to you that I'm pregnant. If it wasn't for my past, no one would want or need proof, but I brought this onto myself!" All and all, it was a good talk and I'm glad I did it.

1 comment:

Denver Laura said...

We've had kids exposed to all sorts of things but I had to google that one.

My family doesn't understand our semi-open adoption. But I saw it's not their call. I just feel it's the best thing for my daughter to know where she comes from so she won't make it into a fairytale when she gets older.

And as far as boundaries, I'm still working on that one. But I think that's the whole idea you know, about relationships in general. They grow as you grow.