Saturday, April 30, 2011

Make it all Sunshine and Rainbows

Sometimes I think about taking down my blogs. I get judged and ridiculed because people take the things I say wrong. People don’t know my whole story, then read one post and freak out. Should I edit out all the negative things in my life to make is all Sunshine and Rainbows? No. I don’t sugar coat! I’m going to portray adoption as this perfect, problem free thing, because it isn’t. It is a great, wonderful, miracle, but it isn’t perfect. If it were perfect Birth Parents wouldn’t feel pain, among other things. I blog about the bad and also the wonderful.

I don’t try to “bash” Emma’s birth family. I just write as things are. I love being in contact with Sam’s family and I’d love to get to know Will’s family. Sam has done HORRIBLE things and I’m not going to sugar coat it. I have NOT blogged about some of the bad things she has done to us for a reason. I still love and respect her. Funny how my family and friends judge me for maintain contact with her and the blogger world judges me for saying anything negative about her...

7 comments:

1CrzyMom said...

Whether you are trying to bash her birthparents or not doesn't matter. You've already gone and done it. Reading your circumstances, I would imagine it would be hard NOT to do. But remember, these people are your child's family as well. No one says you have to be all sunshine and rainbows. Life is definitely not like that.(regardless if you have any experience with adoption or not.) With that being said there is also a fine line of sharing everything and editing what is appropriate in regards to who your audience is. When you talk negatively about your birthparents, how is that respectful? How is that showing that you love and care for them? You are not parenting your birthparents, you are parenting their child that they relinquished. Is it hard and difficult to understand some of the decisions they have made that have lead them to where they are now? Absolutely! But are they perfect? No, and none of us are or ever will be. If we were perfect, everyone would have children and there would be no infertility, no foster care and ultimately no adoption.

How do you think your child is going to feel reading this when they get older? You are the one she is gong to be looking to when trying to navigate through life and ultimately how & when she decides if she wants to have a relationship with them when she is older. If you speak ill of your child's birthparents now, that will stick with her. It's similar to when parents get divorced and they put their kids in the middle by talking bad about the other parent to the kids. It's inappropriate to talk bad about the opposite parent in the presences of the children even if what is being said is true. I've seen this happen many times. The difference here is that the birthparents aren't given the opportunity to refute anything that is being said since your child lives with you. When you speak ill of them, you are tainting her ability to chose to have a relationship with them in the future IF SHE CHOOSES. Hearing you talk about them in a negative manner is paving the way for her to push them away simple because she knows what she hears form you. Kids have a way of wanting to please their parents and follow in their footsteps. You are sabotaging the right for her to choose in the future.

1CrzyMom said...

Have you talked with them about sharing these things about them on your public blog? Do they know you have aired their "dirty laundry" for the whole world to see? Would you continue to do so if they were sitting right next to you? I doubt it. That's not being respectful by any means. And yes, this is YOUR blog and you can do whatever you feel or say as you have no one to answer to but yourself. However, when you have a blog that is public, you are going to receive unwanted attention and criticism. As large as the adoption community seems to be, on the internet it seems to be quite smaller. There seems to be a sort of six degrees of separation.

For me, after reading here, I can't help but think; "how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your child's birthparent's were running your name through the mud?" How would you feel if there were things being said about you that you couldn't rebuttal? Whatever happened to the golden rule? Or does that just go out the window because of "bad" things they have done? Does that mean they are no longer worthy of forgiveness, love and respect? I don't remember reading anywhere in the good book of Mormon or the Bible for that matter that said a person is less deserving of love because they aren't perfect. Romans 3:23 "For ALL have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." Some people are harder to love than others because of the difficulties they bring into our lives but they are still deserving of love are they not? My own mother can attest to this!

None of us is perfect! Even when we think we are better than someone because we "live a better life" and don't make the same mistakes as they do. The common thread we have is that we are all PERFECTLY human.

It's sad to me that you chose to emphasize the negative about your child's birthparents rather than the good, even if there is less good than bad. In doing so you perpetuate the negativity that is often associated with birthparents. By doing so you are also giving adoption a black eye. Adoption is more than just the child and the adoptive parents..

Just think, things could ALWAYS be worse...WAY WORSE! I know it's hard to understand and believe that right now given all the you have gone through and continue to go through. Accentuate the positive and try to assuage the negative. Your daughter will love you that much more when she gets older. The more respect you give them now, may actually have an impact on them and be a positive in their lives in the future. Imagine the impact that would have on your daughter. Wouldn't it be great to know that you helped & your daughter in that way?

the Sorensen's said...

I think you are a very courageous person. You put it all out there for everyone to read and interpret. I have utmost respect for you! I may make different decisions myself, however, I think you are an amazing, brave, strong person! I don't think I could go through what you've been through and be as positive as you are. Don't listen to the negatives. Keep your positive attitude and keep writing. You truly are an inspiration!

R*R said...

I'm a relatively new reader, but I have LOVED reading your blog. My husband and I have been suffering with infertility issues for years now and I know all too well how painful it all is. We've yet to get into foster/adoption, but we've talked about it and think it would be the right thing for us. Thank you for NOT sugar coating things! I know adoption is beautiful and such a blessing, but it can't be as perfect and easy as many people make it out to be. I so appreciate your honesty and willingness to share the TRUTH! :) Keep on writing!

Megan said...

One day your daughter will read the archives of your blog. She will read what you've publicly disclosed about her birthmom, and she will be very angry at you. I think these posts about Sam are a bad idea. I am an adoptee, and I can tell you first-hand that you are damaging your child with your comments about the birthmom, even if they are true.

1CrzyMom said...

How is inferring that you have guns in your house and you know how to use them being positive exactly? And yes you are sugar coating things when you DON'T publish ALL of the comments you have received, even the ones that were honest and not nasty. I know you don't have the courage and strength to publish this one...I feel sorry for your child because she has 2 sets of crappy parents now...

Teri Storelli said...

As a mom just finishing my foster care training I find your blog to be "page Turner". I can't put my kindle down, hearing your story, listening to you advice and cautions has been invaluable to me. God bless you, don't let hateful people tear you down, you handle privacey well for the children and adults.