Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Still hard sometimes

I feel torn, part of me is excited to have a new niece or nephew in July and the other part of me keeps thinking, I have a kid so shouldn't I be over the whole, having a hard time when you find out someone else is pregnant thing?

The other day my in-laws were in town. We went to lunch, I dropped off some things I'm donating for the Foster Care Foundation's Christmas party, we went to Wal-Mart when my husband got a text from his little brother announcing they are expecting #2. Now, it's nothing personal against them, it's the whole people being pregnant in general that sucks.

Right after we found out we were going to be adopting Emma, a flood of people in my ward announced they were expecting. As I told my friend about this she said, You're adopting Emma so why do you care? Because it still hurts, knowing I may NEVER get to experience that.

I have a beautiful daughter and a son on the way, who I am truly grateful for. But being reminded that I may never experience:
The rush of looking down at a positive pregnancy test
Hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time
Feeling it move inside you for the first time
Feeling it kick
Actually showing that I'm expecting a baby
Labor and delivering a baby

After we left Wal-Mart my husband and I got in our car while Emma was with her grandparents. I told Brad that it was still hard to hear. He let me cry and explain the above reasons that it still sucks hearing people announce they're pregnant. I told him, "I know we have a baby due in April, but walking around Wal-Mart no one else can just look at me and think, oh she's expecting a baby. I don't get to 'show' that I'm expecting. No one else knows."

At the same time, I have S. It's weird seeing her pregnant belly. I get so excited seeing it. Knowing, for once, that little baby growing inside her gets to be mine. It's funny that she'll tell me what he's doing and his positions and then I relay the info on to others like it's my experience or something. One of my best friends is expecting a baby (also a boy) a few weeks after us. The other day she was telling me how he's sitting on her bladder, I add, Oh baby is up by S's ribs and she says he kicks a lot! For once, I feel some what connected to the whole world of expecting mothers.

I'm grateful that my husband understood my pain and let me cry. I do feel blessed to have my kids, part of my feels like I should "get over it", but at the same time I feel validated in my feelings.


James, Stephanie & Kayley said...

It gets easier, but I'm not sure we will ever really get 'over it'. The thought occurred to me the other day that, even if I were to get pregnant and have a baby...I think I'd still struggle with others...because...they just have it so darn easy.

Triumph said...

Hi, its my first time commenting on your blog, but I was particularly join to this post, because before I had my son and was thinking of adoption I was scared that I would never really find peace, until I experience all the things you mentioned in your post.

I believe its not wrong that you continue to grieve and do not let anyone tell you that you need to stop because you have adopted children.

Hope my little words of encouragement helped. Good luck with the new baby on the way.