Thursday, November 18, 2010

Contact with Birth Family

I find it interested what different people do and how they feel about contact with the child's birth families. I want Emma to grow up knowing who they are and that they love her. Contact with her birth mom is easy and has been great so far! I guess I'm still just trying to find a balance. My #1 concern is keeping Emma safe. Then I don't want to get hurt or used myself.

Right after Sam and I became Facebook and Myspace friends I was first contacted by Will's brother. (Will is Emma's birth father) It took me a while and a lot of thinking about it to finally respond to his message. They live 2 states away so I'm not too worried about them personally posing a threat to Emma. But we do live in the same state as WIll and who knows what info they will give to him. Also at the time we were still working with DCFS. I sent them a message that I was open to sharing pictures of her and such, but I was not going to have any contact with them until we finalized the adoption! I am SO glad that I decided to do that. It has given me a few months to really think about it. I haven't contact them yet, but each day I feel closer and closer to being ready for that. I'd love to get to know Will and his family better through them for Emma's sake. Right now I am not contacting Will because he is in jail. After the stories that Sam has told me, it may never be safe or very smart of us to do so.

Not long after Will's brother contacted me Sam's mom "Kay" requested me as a friend on Facebook. I was shocked at first, because her mom did not support her decision with placing Emma. The first thing I did was ask Sam how she felt about her mom and I being friends, she loved the idea that we could get to know each other better and build a relationship. It first she was nice, but as I snooped around on the things she said to her kids on Facebook I did not get a good vibe from her! She was down right mean to her youngest son, openly on her Facebook wall! When Sam decided to place the baby with us and her mom started causing drama I decided it was no longer healthy to be having such contact with her. We are still Facebook friends, but she can not see my wall, my statues or pictures. Mainly, she can just send me messages, which she occasionally does. I've thought about blocking her, especially when she started messaging me lies about Sam and the pregnancy, but I still haven't.

Yes, I strongly believe in keeping contact with Emma's birth family, as long as it remains safe and healthy. But the relationship with Kay is no longer a healthy one!

Each situation is different. I have to keep reminding myself that not all our children's birth parents are going to be exactly like this. If we keep going through foster care we may get a child and it is really un-safe for us to have any contact with their birth families. I never thought that we could have an amazing open adoption like this through DCFS. As much as I longed to have an open adoption, I wasn't really considering it until Sam decided on her own terms to relinquish. Because Sam decided on her own that her daughter was meant to be ours and she deserved a better life, I felt more comfortable with having an open adoption with her. If she was still using drugs and such, then obviously it would of been very un-safe to have an open adoption.

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