Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Birth Parents Hurt Too

I know not all adoptee's are happy that their birth parents choice to place them for adoption. I know not all birth parents are happy with the facts that they decided to (or felt pressured or forced to) place their children for adoption. Not all people are pro-adoption. Not all people like the LDS Church. We are all entitled to our own thoughts and opinions. (LOVE this blog post on adoption haters!)

Which brings me to, "M" took my blog post here and re-wrote it to be about a birth mom... (you can read her post here). Now she and I have 2 very different blogs. I love writing about my experiences with my daughter and my soon to be son. Once again, My feels (wow, I feel like I've been explaining myself a lot lately) are...

I totally get that birth parents feel pain because of their decisions. I say "their decisions" because I've never heard of a birth mom being held at gun point with someone telling her she has to place her baby. Now, I know some are pressured into it. I love Brittany's "The Cardinal Rules of Open Adoption" Obviously these are her feelings and not real rules, but they are very good things to go by. In it she states, that it is not the adoptive couples responsibility to make sure the birth parents perfectly fine and let them grieve in their own ways. As much as I love S, I can't waste my life worrying about her and how she is mourning her children. (yes, feel free to leave more nasty comments because I'm so heartless)...

I shed more tears as I sat in the courtroom when she relinquished her parental right then I did when we finalized our adoption. And no, not happy, I'm so glad she giving away her child to me, tears. It was literally heartbreaking watching her in her pain. I started bawling after she signed and then said "What did I just do?". I cried as I hear her whisper to Emma, "I love you! You're being so strong for me." And I've cried as I thought about how heartbreaking and painful it was back then. I was there with her when she tried to call her oldest daughter to tell her happy birthday, but the adoptive parents wouldn't answer her calls. It sucks seeing her in pain.

I've taken her feelings and her pain as a priority at times. I don't know how many times I've asker her if she's okay with all the pictures and info I send her on Emma. I don't want to be flooding her with picture while it's just too hard for her to being getting them. She has re-assured me that for her, it helps. I can't speak for all birth moms, but for S, seeing regular pictures and knowing what Emma is constantly doing is a comfort to her.

At times I've had to take the back seat and wait for her to contact me because I don't want to be intruding on her life constantly. She needs her own time and her own ways to deal with Emma's adoption and the pain she is feeling. She has shared with me some of her sadness and missing her kids. I hate seeing her in pain. But there is nothing I can personally do to change how she feels. I let her know that I love and support her and I'm here if she needs to talk, but that's about all I can do.

So to make a very long and jumbled blog post short, Yes, I do realize that birth parents feel pain about our joys. And it sucks, I wish it wasn't like that, but it is.


Lannie said...

I think this is a very brave post! You are awesome...the end! :)

Lara said...

Thanks for the shout out. You get it - everyone has their own choices. Sometimes the choices suck, but there are still there. I don't get people who are so nasty about it - when it isn't even their situation. Ug! And nasty comments are the worst! We gotta stick together. :)