Thursday, August 12, 2010

Our Open Adoption

Last night while on the phone with my mom she asked, how involved are you letting Emma's mom be in her life? I asked her, what she meant. I have to confess though, I will lie if I feel it is safer too or to spare my own feelings. I know, I know. My mom (AKA my Grandma) and I have a rough past and I just didn't want to deal with it... She asked if the birth mom knew our names? Well, Yeah! I know both sets of parents would FLIP if they knew she knows our last names. But firstly, we are Facebook friends, what am I supposed to make a fake last name just because of her? She also asked me how I keep these conversations with the birth mom private. Now remember my Grandma is about 74 (ish) and doesn't really get e-mail and all that. Especially trying to explain Facebook IM, LOL!

No. I keep saying it over and over again, if she does something, restraining order... how hard is that? Moving on... My mom also asked if birth mom knows were we live. That she does not know. She had told me that she knows where her other 2 kids live so I'm not too worried about it.

We are Facebook friends and we are open and honest with each other. Yes, she has (and still does) made poor decisions. But that has nothing to do with our relationship. We talk about Emma, of course, things going on in our lives and all the things we have in common, which is a LOT.

I have not promised her mom any visits. Although right now I want to see her. She now lives about 3 hours away from us, but we actually go there quit often. Her birth father is in jail and who knows what will happen there. I still have not written her biological uncle back. To be honest, I don't know what to say. Our caseworker told me not to deal with him, but she isn't in my shoes. I want to, I need to, I just need time to prepare for what to say to him. Why do I want to contact him, because he IS her biological uncle. I would like more pictures of her dad, I have some. I would like to know more about him and his family. I'm not opposed to meet someday (with the uncle and her cousin). It has been hard for our family to understand because we are going through foster care and they automatically assume the worst in Emma's parents. I was also recently contacted by one of her birth mom's friends. She wanted to be Myspace friends, okay no big deal, see the new pictures of Emma and call it good. After I confirmed her as a friend she messaged me wants to meet us and see Emma. I'm not ready to go there. I really want to wait until the adoption is finalized before really dealing with all these other people. Is that horrible of me? And how do I tell them without offending them?

Sorry I just started thinking about all this after visiting The R House. I read how Mrs. R deals with things and the way she explains adoption to her little boys, I KNOW it is possible to do this with Emma.


Re. to comment (because I know I don't always read them), I know I need to be more consistent with what I refer to Emma's birth mom as. Because as of right now I am NOT Emma's mom, I guess I still sometimes refer to her birth mom as mom. Because I don't use her name on here I either say mom or birth mom. She wants Emma to call her by her name though. I guess that's my reasoning because I'm not officially her mom yet. And obviously my 8 month old doesn't know the difference. But, yes her birth mom will be know by her name or as birth mom.

3 comments:

Lina said...

Hi! I just found your blog via a comment on the r house. One question. When you are in a foster/adopt situation, what vocab are you supposed to use to refer to Emma's biological parents? It seems like sometimes you say Emma's mom, then later Emma's birthmom. I've adopted two children and I'm very picky about the birthmom/birthdad titles. If someone asks me: How tall is your daughters dad (and I know they are refering to the birthfather)? I answer, "her birthfather is this tall". I try not to offend but try to be consistent in teaching others the right adoption language. We are also just about to adopt another child, who has been taken from his biological mother, but not yet entered in foster care, and for now when he visits and and when we see him I always refer to the biological mom with her first name. It's clear that she's not going to be his mom anymore, but it's also not yet clear that we get him and I cannot assume the mom title yet. Does that make sense? As a foster mom, when do you see yourself as the mother? When you know that adoption is certain, or all along?

DMN said...

I know I need to be more consistent with what I refer to Emma's birth mom as. Because as of right now I am NOT Emma's mom, I guess I still sometimes refer to her birth mom as mom. Because I don't use her name on here I either say or mom or birth mom. She wants Emma to call her by her name though. I guess that's my reasoning because I'm not officially her mom yet. And obviously my 8 month old doesn't know the difference. But, yes her birth mom will be know by her name or as birth mom.

AJ said...

I saw your comment updating me on your status and I am so happy for you! Very glad that you found a little girl to adopt :)