Sunday, January 10, 2010

Guest Post by Katy

When my husband and I got married we had no idea that we would struggle with infertility. In fact we got pregnant with our daughter Madeline EXACTLY when we WANTED to. I say it that way because it is just so gosh darn amazing to me that it could have ever been that easy. I have since decided that it was a miracle. We went about life thinking we would just add to our family so that our kids were around 2-3 years apart. So we started trying again when Madeline was about 20 months old and we had to try for about 6 months before we found out we were expecting our 2nd child! I was so relieved because to me 6 months had felt like forever! I was pretty nauseous with that pregnancy and I just felt like crap for about 2 months. That is supposed to be a really good sign. When we went in for our first appointment at 11 weeks, they couldn't find a heartbeat.

"No worries!" the doctor said. "Sometimes you just aren't as far along as you think, or your uterus is tilted to far."

I really wasn't worried. We went in the next day for an ultrasound and what we should have seen was a strong heartbeat and a beautiful baby. I mean 11 weeks is far enough along that the baby actually LOOKS like a baby.

There was no heartbeat, and it showed a tiny baby that was about 6-7 weeks along. Unfortunately our baby had died. It was heartbreaking. We had envisioned this child, we had thought of names, what it would be like with two kids the following summer. We loved our child from the moment we knew he or she was coming. We had just lost a child that we never had the privilege of meeting. Tears rolled down my face as we left the hospital. I just kept thinking, "Why God? Why did this have to happen?". My husband and I got in the car and at that moment I was filled with indescribable peace. My Heavenly Father loved us and this all had a purpose. He would take care of my baby until it was our time to be reunited.

I was so sure that we would get pregnant again. I mean it had been so easy in the past. Unfortunately it has been three years since we had the miscarriage. I have to say that infertility has been THE most difficult thing I have ever faced. It truly is a grueling process. The ups and downs are never ending. The feeling of loneliness can be overwhelming as those around you get pregnant and grow their families two or three children over, while you are still waiting.

We also are in a different circumstance than most suffering from infertility. Ours is called secondary infertility. So in many ways we don't fit into any group. We have a child and have experienced pregnancy, which I am so grateful for. But it also puts you into different situations than most would have to deal with. We have play groups, you get to see all the other moms grow their families. I am in that world of families but yet I am not. It is difficult to define. I have often told my husband that having a child is a blessing and it is also difficult. If I didn't have any children maybe I could go to school and get involved in a career, where I don't have to see all the mommy play groups and watch them grow their families, while I can't. It is hard to watch my daughter grow up alone while all her friends are becoming big brothers and sisters. It is hard to have her ask me why she doesn't have a baby brother or sister. I love the bond I have with my sisters and brothers and I worry that she won't get to experience that. I worry that her kids won't want to come to our house because they won't have any cousins on our side of the family. There are truly THREE people experiencing infertility instead of just two.

But on the positive side, the side I try to think about the most. We did get to experience pregnancy, feeling a baby move inside of me, giving birth and seeing a child that we created. Even if I may never experience that again I am and will always be grateful for that ONE time. We are watching our beautiful daughter grow and it is wonderful blessing for which we thank our Heavenly Father for daily.

We have tried many medical procedures, our latest being IUI. We have tried that twice but with no success. Infertility definitely takes you out of your comfort zone. It is painful, embarrassing and an emotional roller coaster. I truly had no idea what infertility was like until experiencing it for myself. I remember being that person who offered well meaning advice but had no idea what I was talking about.

We have turned our hearts to adoption. We feel like our Heavenly Father has a plan and that there is a child or children that need us to go through this so that we will open our hearts to a different method of growing our family. Adoption is a wonderful thing and we are excited to and honored to be a family that gets to be part of the adoption world.

I think the hardest part for me was being at peace with my life. To let God have control and for me to stop trying to make things happen. It will happen in His time. My friend who has also struggled with infertility told me how she came to that moment where it was all okay. That God truly had a plan and she could let the atonement take place in her life. I asked her how did she finally get to that point. She told me that she just changed her prayers. ( can it be that easy?!) She quit praying for a baby and started praying for endurance and strength to accept and endure her trial. She started praying to feel the Atonement in her life, because He has suffered and experienced all the feelings and heartbreak every one of us is experiencing. I have started following her advice and it TRULY works. I have felt peace and contentment. I don't feel like I am in the dark hole of infertility anymore. I know it is still a trial but He is giving me the strength to endure it.

I pray that He gives each of you the strength you need to endure it. Our families will come to us the way God has planned. We were called upon to endure one of the hardest things a woman could endure. But that means the blessing will be all the more sweet. May our Heavenly Father bless each one of you as your are called to endure this trial of faith.

Lots of Love,


1 comment:

Jennie said...

I love the advice of applying the Atonement. Thank you for sharing your story.