Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Guest Post by Shian

I have experienced infertility in two different ways. The first was several years ago while married to my first husband. I had a plan to have six kids by the time I was 30. I hoped to get pregnant easily, yet I felt I wouldn’t. I was very anxious about it and cried every month when my period started. I worked in an OB/GYN office at the time. I was envious of every pregnant woman. Eventually I became pregnant - only to miscarry a few weeks later. I coped well figuring I now knew I could get pregnant. Over the next year, I miscarried twice more. While waiting to be taken to the surgery room for a D&C after my third miscarriage, a certain phrase kept running through my head. “Trials and tribulations can become sweet to you as you understand that the Lord is only testing you.” It was familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it. I suddenly remembered it came from my patriarchal blessing. Although my husband didn’t have the authority to give me a Priesthood blessing, the Lord still blessed me by the Priesthood. I wish I could say my attitude changed at that point, but it didn’t. I wouldn’t understand for years. It was the darkest time of my life. My journal from that year is full of heartbreak and mourning. I despaired that I would never be a mother.

The fourth time I discovered I was pregnant I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Due to my history my doctor ordered an ultrasound to check for viability. I started to cry when I saw the heartbeat. At that point I knew that this baby would be okay. My son, Gavin, was born perfectly healthy and beautiful in 2001. He is the light of my life. I believe that I became a better mother after waiting and praying than I would have been otherwise. I’m sure that’s not the case for everyone, but it’s certainly true for me.

Unfortunately, my husband and I were divorced when Gavin was a baby. But that’s another story. I was suddenly a single mom and didn’t have to worry about infertility, pregnancy or miscarriages anymore. That part was actually a relief.

Three years ago, I married Tom. He is so wonderful and I feel blessed to have such a fantastic husband. Thanks to Gavin’s dad, he was sealed to Tom and I on our wedding day. That is the happiest day of my life to this point.

From the beginning, I felt a little spirit following me around, saying, “Mom, Mom, Mom.” It was so persistent that it got almost annoying. We decided to start trying right away. This time I expected pregnancy to come quickly due to what I was experiencing. Three years later, I still haven’t gotten pregnant. However, I haven’t felt any of the stress I felt while trying to get Gavin here. I have been at peace. We waited 18 months before seeing a doctor. Although we did all the tests, the doctors found no explanation for our infertility. Our doctor offered the next procedure and I scheduled it. I went home, prayed and received the most straightforward answer I have ever received in my life. I actually laughed out loud. The Spirit told me, “You can do it, but you’ll just be wasting your money.” I cancelled the appointment. It was at that point I started asking the Lord what He wanted us to do. I don’t know if I had asked before. I’d prayed to get pregnant, asked Him to send us a child, but didn’t stop to find out if we were going about it the right way. We knew we were supposed to have more children in our family. We assumed because it was a righteous desire we would be given what we requested. Upon praying, my heart immediately changed. I knew the Lord planned for us to adopt. I wanted to start the process right away. I felt great comfort in the thought of adoption and it made me recognize that I had never felt that kind of peace about the infertility treatments.

My husband had more of a struggle. He hasn’t had the opportunity of experiencing pregnancy and childbirth like I have. He wondered if he could love a child that wasn’t biologically his. Then one day it struck him – “I already DO love a child who isn’t mine (biologically).” He realized he wouldn’t love Gavin anymore if they shared genes. It was a fun day for me to watch him come to this understanding. At that point, he received the spiritual confirmation he needed and has been on board 100% since. We have been approved to adopt for three months now and hope to share our adoption story with everyone soon.

I’ve often wondered why my experiences have been so different. Am I just more mature? Is it because I already have one child? Am I more spiritually in tune? Is it because my marriage situation is so much better? Maybe it’s a combination of all of these. I know many years from now, I’ll be able to look back and see the reasons. I look forward to that day. But for now, I have trust in the Lord. I know He has a plan for my family. I know that what He has in store will bring me much more happiness than my best plan ever could. “…Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.”

1 Corinthians 2:9

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