Thursday, September 26, 2013

Re: the letter

In response to one question- Is open adoptions legally binding in your state? Or can you stop it at any time?

Honestly, I don’t know about that law in my state. Adopting through foster care is completely different from adopting privately or through an agency. Through foster care, no it is not legally binding. It is a verbal agreement between the birth parents and adoptive (foster) parents.

Regarding the comments that I’m the one being childlike and nasty, I saw those opinions coming. I hesitated on posting this. I personally think that people shouldn’t judge other people’s experiences... You don’t know me. You don’t know my son’s birth mom. You don’t know how she has treated me. Honestly... I was being NICE in the letter. Because Kim has treated me like scum. SO disregard the fact that she gave birth to my son. Would you want someone in your life and the life of your children that treats you horribly? I hope not. But, because she gave birth to my son and because she decided to place him for adoption to me and my husband I am at least trying here.

I am trying to make some clear boundaries here with her. I don’t want to confuse my son. Wouldn’t it be confusing when your birth mom comes around once a month or every other month and she wants you to call her mommy. She parents you, but it is completely different from the way your parents do it? I’ve actually been through this. I know I had different experiences then my son or daughter will. When my birth father came around for the first time I was 14, saw him twice a year and he tried to parent me, it was ridiculous! It made me want to rebel again him. It made me not want to be around him. I know from my own experiences how it may affect my son.

I am NOT closing the adoption. I am not cutting off any contact. I am trying to set boundaries.

Someone commented that all I made the whole thing about myself and not my son... I wouldn’t be doing this (writing her this letter) if I actually through that the way the relationship was going was healthy for my son. Because I do NOT see the path we are taking as being a healthy relationship between Kim and Braxdon. I want it to be healthy, which is why I am trying to bit these problems in the butt! I don’t think it is healthy to tell my son he is going to have a visit with his birth mom on Christmas day, and then have her not show up. It makes him think she is flaky, that she isn’t to be trusted, that maybe her using drugs are more important than seeing him on Christmas day...

It is also confusing for Braxdon that we call him Braxdon and different people call him Owen. If you ask him what is name is, he says Braxdon. After a visit with his birth family (they call him Owen still) I asked him what his name was and he said Owen. This IS affect him.

Since I didn’t respond to her right away she had one of her friends text me and swear at me. What is say that 14 years down the road she doesn’t do the same thing to Braxdon? I’m sure some are thinking, she wouldn’t do that to her son. Again, speaking from experience, yes, parents are capable of treating their children like that.

It is so very different that he came to us through foster care. I do love and respect Kim. This is nothing against her. Her experiences are different from birth moms who decided to place their children from adoption. She didn’t WANT to place him for adoption. She planned on raising him forever. However, she also did (and still does) drugs. Because of that the state took him from her. She didn’t want that to happen. Even while using drugs she thought she was what was best for him. She didn’t want to place him for adoption, but after a 4 months and it was not looking like she would get him back, she decided to relinquish her parental rights. I know that doesn’t change the fact that she is hurting. She misses her son. She is still holding on to the dream of raising him. She still is trying to raise him, which I don’t think helps her with her healing. She has told me, “I have a hard time seeing him. When I leave it kills me and I struggle every time.” She still doesn’t want to accept the adoption. This relationship isn’t healthy for her either. Which is why we need some changes. So this can be healthy and good for her and for Braxdon. I didn’t write the letter to be selfish, or rude, or nasty. I want Braxdon to have a healthy relationship with birth mom.


Shauna said...

I read the letter you sent to Braxdon's birthmom and I personally think you are being very kind. I have followed your blog for some time, and to me you err on the side of bending over backwards to be kind to your birth moms. I don't know if you know but a law was just passed in April that makes open adoptions with adopted foster children and their birth parents now binding and legal. If you want to change any arrangements you have made it now has to be done through the courts. As a mother of 2 adopted children I applaud how kind you have been. I see both the good and bad in arrangements. One of my children has an open arrangement with his birth family, but unfortunately my other child's mother chose not to have any contact whatsoever (private adoption). I see the hurt he experiences especially when he sees the open relationship his brother has with his birth family. I wish I could take this pain away.

FryFamilyof3 said...

Just wanted you to know that I am on your side and I totally get where you are coming from. Unless people are in our positions, they truly don't understand it. I also adopted two kids through the foster care system and I even have previous foster parents "drop-in" (after going behind our backs and finding our where they live) and also I had one take MY son out of my shopping cart to hold him (while I had my back turned picking out a birthday card) and up until that point I had no idea who she even was!
Hang in there!

Darci C. said...

I just started reading your blog and I love how open and honest you are. Thursday we start classes towards the process of fostering to adopt. We have two bio children 10 and 12, but have always wanted more. Losing my girl parts to hemmoraging it would not be possible so it would have to be adoption. We can't afford adoption the normal way so since we have time and room fostering seems logical. I am scared, excited and anxious. Luckily I have a good ward family and extended family for support. My girls can't wait for a brother, whether for a short time or forever.

POWmom01 said...

Adoption from foster care is so different (and hard). It is much different than placing a child for adoption. My son's birthmom had all intentions of raising him & never considered that her drug addict might hender that. Dealing with a drug addict is whole another element of the relationship too. Best of luck!

Kevin and Katie said...

I am a foster mom. I completley support you.