Will you?

I was lying in bed trying to sleep, but I got thinking. First I thought about Braxdon and how he’s our last foster child. It made me sad to think, it’s over. I mean, we still have at least 4 months to go with his case, but after that, we’re done. I love going to the trainings, going to things like the UAC and our annual swim parties and BBQ’s, and I’ve loved the caseworker we’ve had with Emma and Braxdon. But, foster care just isn’t the best thing to be focusing on in our lives right now…

Then I started thinking about if we adopt Braxdon and how my relationship with his birth mom will be different them my relationship with Emma’s birth mom. Now, I don’t regret any of it, but I also don’t want to do all the drama all over again. I already told our caseworker I will set up Braxdon a Facebook page for the birth family and post pictures and updates. My mom asked me tonight, “Did you tell them you will let them see him?!” She HATES our open adoption. I thought about it and I’m still on the fence about that… I think about some of the foster parents that have 100% closed adoptions and it makes me sad, I don’t want that. 2 years ago I was freaking out that I would not even have a picture of Emma’s birth mom or dad to show her and all I would know about her was her first and last name. We have gotten so many pictures of her, of them together, letters to me from Sam, letters to Emma from Sam and all the info I ever dreamed up. I want Braxdon to have that too! He will have his own adoption story book, his own life box and binder and I hope I can get pictures of him and his birth mom. Then I think of some of the crazy things that have gone on with Sam and I don’t want to do that again either, just a healthy balance between closed and totally open.

The next thing going through my mind was things that went on with Sam and then a conversation we had today. She asked me a question, “Will you be there with me when I have my C-section?” I thought about it for about a split second and told her, “No, I can’t do it.” I don’t want to be a jerk, but I emotionally could NOT go through that. I don’t think she can emotionally or physically even provide for this baby. She lives in a house with 2 other adults, not one of them has a job, nope they live off of welfare! Sam doesn’t even have a bedroom, she sleeps on the couch in the living room. I’m sure baby will sleep the same way Em did for 4 months, in a bouncy seat on the floor! (I’m not kidding, she really did!) It has been so hard for me to not bring up the fact that I think she should place this baby for adoption. I’m not saying I want her to give us the baby, if she decided to place with us I would be thrilled. I don’t know how she is going to do it.

Okay, maybe now that I have gotten all this stuff out of my head I can sleep…
I have another post in the works too!