Monday, April 25, 2011

Infertility Myths:

Resolve Blog Challenge!

Don’t you hate people’s “advise” on infertility?

I’ll never forget the Sunday an older lady at church leaned over and told me “Go on a cruise and it will happen!” Really?! You know the whole “relax and it will happen”. I always joke that my first month on clomid I not only ovulated, but while we were on vacation! And guess what? No pregnancy!

“Adopt and you’ll get pregnant”. I HATE that one. I remember shortly after we found out we would be adopting Emma all of Brad’s co-workers were telling us that, “You’re going to get pregnant now!” Here I am a year later and still not knocked up! And if I do get pregnant anytime soon it’s the prescriptions that my doctor has me on that did the trick!

“If you are more righteous you will have a baby”. I was at my best friend’s house when her friend texted this to her! I wanted to reach through the phone and punch her! Yes my friend was/ is in-active in the LDS church, but that has nothing to do with conceiving a child! (She’s the one who just had a baby boy! And no, she did not become more righteous!) Hello, What about teenagers and druggies that get pregnant??? If that were true, there would be no children born out of wedlock!

“You are less of a woman if you don’t have kids”. I love that Lady Saw song! I have been treated differently for not having kids! The other day Brad’s brother and his family, along with Brad’s parents came over to visit. As they were leaving we mentioned them not seeing Brad. My SIL said “Well, they only care about seeing Emma!” I almost said “Yeah, because before we had kids they NEVER visited us!” Then last Mother’s Day my mom did her annual chewing me out for not sending a card or calling her on Mother’s Day and adds “I sent everyone, but you, a Mother’s Day card because you’re not a real mom.” I did have Emma at this time, but didn’t know it was going to adoption! This was my second “Fake Mother’s Day”, we also had Ben on Mother’s Day.

"Adoption cures all of the heartache caused by infertility". I have a daughter, whom I love as much (if not more) then I would a biological child. But still there are times when hearing "I'm pregnant!" hurts! There are times I'm sad I never carried my daughter in my womb, or even in my arms until she was almost 5 months old! I love my daughter more then anything, she had made infertility easier, but not completely pain-free.

"Adoption is the easy way to get a baby". Can I tell you how many times I've heard people say, "I have rough pregnancies so I'll just adopt my next one!" Really?!? Adoption is "easy".... have you read our story about Sam and the fake baby? They don't think about the giant cost, the (sometimes) long waits, being chosen and then un-chosen, adoption scams, yeah that's WAY easier then being pregnant for 9 months!

"You're Still Young" Oh, that changes everything, thanks! I'll start worrying about why I can't get pregnant when I'm 40! Considering I started TTC at 19, 21 years of trying is no big deal! LOL

"It will happen when it's supposed!" What does that mean? Do you mean I'm just NOT meant to have kids. If I didn't consider adoption or foster care and I'll just get pregnant when it's supposed to happen, I may never have kids! Some bodies just aren't designed to procreate. How hard is that to understand! It's not magic people!

"Infertility is caused by using birth control" I was told this at 15! I "started" a few months before I turned 12 and always had very heavy and un-regulated cycles. I think it was about a year into starting that I went to the doctor for the first time and got put on birth control to regulate my cycles. It was heaven having nice normal cycles. Then a few years later I was talking to an adult in my ward and mentioned I was on BC. She freaked out and told me if would cause me to be infertile! I immediately stopped taking it! I remember I had to go back on it for a few months when I was 18, but it made me extremely nauseous and I stopped again. After I got married is when my cycles decided that they never wanted to stop and now I have to take some sort of med to force them to stop!

"I think it's your husband" I will never forget the conversation... I had been TTC for about 2 years at this point. I had baby-sat for (someone) the night before. The next day I was invited to join them in taking the kids to the park. On our way there we passed Outback Steakhouse, Brad's favorite restaurant. This person tells me that's where they went while I baby-sat. I commented, "We're going there next either for Brad's birthday or when I get pregnant." They say, "I think it's Brad." At first I was stunned, "Really? You think Brad's birthday will come before I get pregnant!?" They say, "No, I think Brad's the reason why you can't get pregnant." I was extremely hurt! They person knew I had crazy cycles and Brad and I both assumed my cycles were why if wasn't happening. As we later found out it is PCOS. Brad has been checked and everything was average to above average! Not really a myth, but an infertility-hurt and it was not true! I don't believe in pointing fingers as to "who" is to blame for infertility!

“You just go off birth control” Another, “I want to strangle you moments!” We had been TTC for 4 ½ years and had recently had our “almost” pregnancy. (We fertilized an egg, got a BFP, but the egg didn’t develop) It had been 4 months since our positive pregnancy test and although I wasn’t having cycles I was having ovulation pain accompanied with positive ovulation tests. I was excited when a got a positive ovulation test for the 2nd time on my own, no fertility. I joyfully announced it to someone, their remark, “Uggg. Is this the story about when you THOUGHT you were pregnant?” and walked away. A few minutes later she tells me, “You just go off birth control and you get pregnant. Worked 3 times! First month off birth control with all 3 kids!”

“Infertility is all the same”. After I was diagnosed with PCOS I was told by at least 4 different people, “Oh ‘so-in-so' got pregnant by just doing ‘x’! Do that and you’ll get pregnant!” Wow, really? I’ve done ‘x’ a dozen times and have NEVER gotten pregnant! How do people not get that each person is different and not every person can do X to get pregnant!

(Infertility 101)
(National Infertility Awareness Week)


Melody said...

I don't think the heartache of infertility ever goes away. After 5 years of trying and 4 cycles of IVF we now have 3 beautiful children. I still hurt when someone announces they are pregnant. Knowing I will never get that "surprise pregnancy" knowing that it comes so easy for some and so hard for others.

I've really enjoyed reading your blog. Your insight has really been interesting and eye opening. I am sorry for what you have gone through and am amazed at your strength.

Kaleen Nelson said...

Thanks for the post! It made me laugh several times because anyone who has gone through infertility has had someone say those things to them at least once.
Thank you for your candidness!

Becky said...

Two boys (through adoption) later and infertility still sucks. Thanks for sharing your story!

Jana said...

great post!