Thursday, May 20, 2010

Guest Post by Alicia

If you had told me four years ago that I wouldn't be a mother by now, I would never have believed you. I have always wanted to be a mother and looked forward to that forever.

Four years ago I met my husband. Shortly after we started dating, he told me about how his cancer treatments had resulted in him being sterile. He explained that there was only a slight chance that the sperm that he had saved after chemotherapy would work. That news hit me hard, but I still felt like I would be able to be happy even with comments like, "I would break up with him, if I were you. Knowing that is just something that I couldn't handle." Lucky for me I didn't break up with him, but ended up marrying him 6 months later.

(check out their adoption blog here)

Ryan and I decided that we wanted to try in vitro about 6 months into our marriage. We felt like we were ready for kids and even though we were told that there was only a slight chance that it would work, we had so much faith. We felt like that is what Heavenly Father wanted us to do. When the news came, "None of the eggs fertilized," I just burst into tears and was a complete wreck. It was so heartbreaking. We were not going to have biological children. Our children would not look like us. My dreams of giving birth to many children would not come about. We were just so sure that this would work. None of our family members knew what to say, they just cried with us instead. Ryan's father gave us blessings and some great advice. He talked about how sometimes we don't know why it had to happen, and we might not know why things happen. It had to happen and it had to happen at that time. We were young in our marriage and this was a time that we could strengthen and support each other. The Lord knows what is going to happen and one day we might be able to look back and see why this had to happen. He was there comforting us and we could trust in the One who promises to "bind up the broken-hearted" and "to comfort all that mourn" and to give unto those that mourn "beauty for ashes" (Isaiah 61:1-3).

That night I cried and was whimpering in my sleep. I woke up hoping that it was all a dream, but it wasn't. Our hurt was real. Day by day the hurt lessened. We look back on it still with very tender feelings. It was good that we were able to find out and know. We knew we needed to go down a different path. Jesus Christ has felt our pain and sorrow. He understands. We have been able to keep an eternal perspective. We are so blessed and have never doubted our testimonies or that the Lord doesn't love us. He does.

Infertility still makes my heart ache. I think that there will always be that in the back of my heart. I have learned the difference between just enduring and enduring it well. I can't say that I have always or will always endure it well, but I am trying to endure things well. After finding out that sperm couldn't fertilize the eggs, we had to wait a year and a half until we could get working on the adoption process through LDS Family Services. We had a caseworker that did not have the urgency that we had and it took 6 months to finally get approved. We have been approved for adoption for a year now. We have endured an adoption scam and a failed adoption. And as of right now, there seems to be no end in sight. Satan tries to tell me that something must be wrong with us and that is why no one likes us. I have felt rejected over and over. And often times I wonder if we are any closer to where we want to be. As I think about all the tears that have stained my pillow, I feel like I will be able to say that all these tears were worth it when I hold my little baby for the first time. And I will be able to say, "If my prayers had been answered the way that I wanted them to, you wouldn't be in my arms." We may not be in the exact situation that we wanted to be in or want to be in, but for the most part we are so happy. The Lord has blessed us and is continuing to bless us.

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