Monday, January 18, 2010

Guest Post by Kelly

First and foremost, I am grateful for the opportunity to share my story. I feel that through sharing and listening that there can be healing from the pain that is infertility.

My story is rather odd. Not very common. I like to say that I am not a in a "cookie cutter" shape at all. Just be aware of this as you read and think to yourself really? ya really :)

My story begins when I was 18 years old. I was feeling fatter than normal and realized I didn't have the best eating habits so I decided to go on a diet. I did lose weight but it was everywhere else but my stomach which I didn't understand but just thought oh well! It was the December before my 19th birthday. I had met my soon to be husband but didn't know that yet. I went to get a massage. I was laying on my stomach and as the woman started to work on my lower back, I started to feel an terrible pain in my lower abdomen. She advised me to immediately see a doctor because that was not normal.

I made a doctors appointment with my primary care physician because to wait for an ob/gyn would take months. I had an exam done and the doctor informed me that my uterus was enlarged. He asked me if I was pregnant. (p.s. my mom was in the room) I told him there was no possibility. He asked again. He said, "Are you sure you just don't want your mom to know?" I said again that it was not possible. He asked me a third time, this time having my mother leave the room. At this point I was angry and I said, "unless my name is Mary, and I missed the angel, there is NO POSSIBLE way I am pregnant." The doctor still ordered a blood pregnancy test. ....idiot...

I got a call a few days later saying it was negative, I thought Thanks Sherlock really? I was scheduled for an ultrasound for 2 weeks later. I went to the ultrasound appointment the first week in January. As I looked at the screen while she did the ultrasound, I did not understand the big blackness she was measuring, but my mother did. The doctor came in.

He said, "Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

I said, "The good news of course!"

he continued, "You are going to lose at least ten pounds."

I thought to myself heck yes! What I have wanted!

He kept going, "Bad news is you are going to lose an ovary."

What! ok at this point I really did not get it or how the two were even connected. He continued to tell me that I had a ten pound cyst that had formed on my ovary over a long period of time. The cyst had destroyed my ovary and any semblance of it remaining in my body.

10 pounds! I about died! I asked if I would still be able to have children and he said yes that it would be similar to how the eye compensates for one that is missing, the other will take on the work for the one lost.

I was immediately scheduled for surgery by an out of date physician who could have done the surgery laperscopically but chose to cut open my abdomen vertically. 18 inches mind you. There goes wearing a bikini!

This was in the first month I dated my husband. This is when I fell in love with him. He spent as much time with me as he could he lifted me up when I couldn't lift myself. He carried me when I couldn't walk and he held my hand through the pain and tears. He told me I was beautiful with the scar and the stapples. He still tells me the scar NEVER bothers him, even though it bothers me.

We were married and 6 months into our marriage went off birth control. I gained 40 pounds in 6 months. It was out of control. I was later diagnosed with PCOS(polycystic ovarian syndrome) on my remaining ovary. Which basically means I do not ovulate. My hormones are off. I was put on a drug called Metformin and it made me vomit for 8 months before I got used to it. They put me back on birth control for a short while to regulate my cycle.

In 2007, I started Clomid for the first time. After 4 months of trying, which is pretty good, we got pregnant with our first baby. At my 9 week ultrasound the baby hadn't grown past 6 weeks and there was no heart beat. I was devistated. My body showed no signs of miscarriage. The doctor gave me a hidious pill that made me lose our baby the next day. I had never felt so sad in my life.

After picking up the peices of my broken heart and all the other things that saddness broke we got back on Clomid in Dcember of 2008. This time was faster, I found out I was pregnant the first week in February. My doctor put me on pergesterone tablets and aslo did blood work and found that I had a thyroid problem, to add to it all. Weekly ultrasounds were recommended by my doctor. Week 6 got a heart beat, so did week 7, so did week 8. Then week 9, I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, week 9 no heart beat. Again I was devistated. My husband held me as I fell apart in the room to get my blood drawn.

This time I had a d&c. Much easier but still very emotional and unbearable.

After this point, I became very contemplative. I had 3 options...

1. Infertility Treatments
2. Adoption
3. Not have kids

Number 3 was not an option actually. I decided at that point that I could and would not continue to give my happiness away to infertility. I prayed and prayed for comfort to find me. It hadn't for 4 years. I needed it. I wanted it. I pleaded for it. Then it came...

Adoption
That was my answer. I knew that would be the right path. I almost immediately felt the most amazing amount of freedom. (I felt so free I almost thought I could do anything! Like get a tatoo and not regret it. good thing I didn't do that one) I talked with my husband and he was so on board with adopting.

Since then, which was June of last year, we have found much more happiness in our lives, mine especially. No more crazy appointments and heartbreaks on a doctors table. No more needles or drugs. No more nurses telling me to "remove my bottoms and sit on the table" no more. It has been a breathe of fresh air.

I have tried as much as I can to become involved in the adoption community. I have a blog that I have dedicated to moving on and serving others. I have met some amazing people along the way.

We hope this year brings us a baby through adoption.

When people ask me about my story I always say, "I wasn't forced by infertility to chose adoption, I chose adoption over infertility."

It has changed me life.

Kelly

p.s. here is my blog if you want to follow. givingwhatiam.blogspot.com

2 comments:

Savannah said...

When I saw the name Kelly, I hoped it was the one I knew! Sometimes I hate reading infertility stories because you know they will have a bad ending, but I love how you said you didn't let it force you into adoption, that you choose adoption over infertility. Thanks for being my inspiration today.

Jennie said...

What an inpiration you are. Thanks for sharing your story! And good luck!