My Infertility, Adoption and Foster Care Blog

When things dont go as planned...

2012-01-07T02:35:00.001-08:00

Between my very active toddler and starting a new business I just don't have time to blog. I wish I did, I have stated a number of posts I haven't gotten around to.

After reading Mrs. R's post on not getting the baby they are planning on, I needed to take the time to blog.
http://www.therhouse.com/a-family-of-four/

Our situation was different, but the end result was similar. We didn't end up with the baby we were planning. Mrs R talks about the peace she felt about it. Ours didn't come as soon, but it came. We have no negative or hard feelings towards Samantha.

9 months after the fact we are still getting negative comments about Samantha....It makes me so mad. I was the one she hurt and i'm over it so please no one else hold on to this grudge!

I know I have said things that have upset and offended people, which I never intended to be worded or said in that way.

The hardest part. First. Telling people. Second. The nursery and clothes. I wanted it all packed up asap, but I wanted to keep everything for future use. I couldn't stand the thought of seeing other people using my stuff and reminding me of what I didn't get. My never ending problem, the negativity. Samantha has enough on her plate with trying to turn her life around, she doesn't need people telling me they don't agree with us forgiving her and continuing to have a relationship with her... We love her and still plan on doing foster care and hoping to adopt a few more little ones and that's all that matters to us.

Christmas without kids

2011-12-23T22:02:00.001-08:00

I know it's Christmas eve eve, but I was asked how to celebrate without kids, so here you go! :)

My husband and I are lucky enough to live reasonably close to both sides of the family. We trade off each year who's side we spend it with. Our first Christmas we went to my parents (2 1/2 hours away) on Christmas eve and left as soon as the family party was over. We got home to our tiny apartment, which we had all decorated (christmas tree and lights) and opened presents. Around 2 am we headed to my husband's parents (1 1/2 hours away). We got up and did presents with them and then decided to go to my husband sister's... We had to back track home, pack and leave again, then 4 hours away. It was crazy, but one of our fondest Christmas!

I love the basic stuff (even before we had kids)... Setting up the Christmas tree, put up light, decorating, making decorations, i love painting wood and ceramic ornaments and making paper decorations with my silhouette, listening to christmas music, driving around looking at lights, and watching Christmas movies! (movie ideas: National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, Elf, Santa Clause 1, 2 & 3, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Home Alone 1 & 2, Midnight Clear, The Nativity Story, Christmas Angel, and many more!)

As a kid, my favorite memory's are of going and seeing the "Live Nativity". Coming home and roasting marshmallows, drinking hot chocolate.... Fyi, my husband and I recently discovered "stuffed lolo's" Emma calls marshmallows, lolos. You roast a marshmallow normally then after taking it off the roaster, put chocolate chips inside!!!

My favorite Christmas as a teenager was when my young womans class at church did the 12 days of Christmas for a single mom. We got money and items donated, even a Christmas tree and doorbell ditched them for 12 days to this mom and her 2 kids.

My husband and I occasionally sent out Christmas cards (not every year). In fact we haven't even sent out a card since we've had Emma!

Remember the real meaning of christmas. It is not about kids or Santa. In fact the first few years a kid doesn't even know what's going on. Em is 2 and the highlight of this Christmas has been seeing Christmas lights! Emma exclaims "oh, pretty lights" then as we leave, "bye lights!". I hope to teach Emma that Christmas isn't about what you get, but about giving and remembering Christ and feeling the spirit.

I've found the most joy at Christmas in serving others. Making goodies for friends, family and neighbors. Pick a child off the "Angel Tree" to buy gifts for. I love spending time with others and playing games! If you can, offer to baby-sit some one's kids and make cookies, decorate gingerbread houses or make gifts for their parents.

"it's a Jones thing!"

2011-12-23T15:35:00.001-08:00

Growing up in my family, it was known that if you had short, stubby fingers or a bubble butt, that you got it from the "Potter side". If you are a lefty you get it from Papa D.

I have loved throughout Emma's open adoption that we have gotten to know her biological family better and where certain traits come from. We have learned that she gets her Lefty from "grandpa Greg" and her youngest uncle.

The other night I was on the phone with Emma's "Grandma Lily" making plans to meet Sam's parents for Christmas! :) As I talked to Lily she said, "we're not morning people." Me, "neither is Emma." Lily, "Yep, that's a Jones' thing!" Hearing little things like that always brings a smile to my face!

The Greatest Christmas present…

2011-12-21T07:54:00.000-08:00

If you have followed my blog then you know how I have thought a LOT about making contact with Emma’s ½ siblings. I have wanted. I have even had dreams about it. I’ve waited. I’ve been scared of rejection and losing the relationship we never had. Sam had told me (like a LOT) that they didn’t want anything to do with us. They didn’t want Ethan and Avery to even know Emma exist. So I’ve sat back and done nothing. I’ve seen them at the store and have wanted so badly to go up and say Hi. But I didn’t want to scare the parents off or have them tell me they don’t want contact.

Well, at the beginning of the month I got a call from a lady saying she got Emma’s name off the Angel Tree. What? I was baffled. How did it get there and how did she get my #? Long story short, Sam had Emma’s name put on there. I thought about it for a brief moment, but then ignored the thought that she might of put Ethan and Avery’s names on there too. Then a few days ago I got a phone call from a guy saying he got Ethan and Avery’s names off the Angel Tree and wanted to know what to get them…. Yeah, like I know! After I hung up and talked to my husband he told me, “THIS is your chance to make contact with the parents! DO IT!”

I’m a perfectionist when it comes to letters. I wrote it up, send it to my husband and asked what he thought. He said it was perfect. I’ve waited this long, I wasn’t going to wait any longer. I sent the message and then went about doing other things. Less then 5 minutes later I got a text from Facebook with a friend request from Ethan and Avery’s adoptive mom! I was so excited I almost cried. Then I got on Facebook and saw she wrote me back.

Just as I suspected for so long….. they too want contact with us!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know that Emma will get to meet and know her siblings! I spend 18 months with it drilled into my head that they wanted nothing to do with us! So happy they do want a relationship!!

Something better

2011-11-29T21:55:00.001-08:00

This makes me thing of when I was struggling with the idea of having to go on fertility to get pregnant. I was scared and sad and did NOT want to have to take medication to get pregnant. Why can't it just happen naturally?... 6 years later I have a 2 year old that I wouldn't trade for the world! I've never been really pregnant and I don't care about that anymore! I am a mom and that is all that matters.

Facebook at it AGAIN!

2011-11-20T22:43:00.000-08:00

I used to love Facebook. I love being able to keep up with my friends and family. BUT I think one’s “Statues” should be strictly TRUE and about them or their families, NOT jokes or games! FYI people, they are NOT funny. They are hurtful…

I was laying in bed, about to go to sleep when I saw part of my friends statues, “We’re Expecting! 6 Weeks!......” My heart leapt, WHAT? I almost started texting her and probably would have if it wasn’t 11 pm. My mind was racing, freaking out for her. She and her husband are getting divorced, she is currently a single mom who is also in college! How is she going to handle another baby when her youngest isn’t even 9 months old!? She has rough pregnancies, oh my gosh, How is she excited, I’m freaking out for her?! Finally my phone loaded the whole statues, “OK.....I can't hold it anymore.....WE'RE EXPECTING! :) 6 weeks!! I know, I know its crazy aint it? I can't believe it myself. I wasn’t going to put it on here but wanted to make it official :) ..I mean who would have guessed that were expecting… again!! Yup its official...We are expecting Christmas in just over 6 weeks !!! Re-post if you have any sense of humor!!”

Having a “sense of humor” and joking about things that can be hurtful to others are 2 totally different things. I honestly don’t get how people think stuff like this is funny? You don’t see people joke about serious topics like abuse or cancer, but hey let’s pretend we’re pregnant!

Anyways, Today is my sweet baby girl’s second birthday! Also, I went to the Best foster care training class a few days ago! I’ll post on it later!

2011-11-07T22:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry I’ve been MIA, I have been busy planning Emma’s second birthday party and we moved! So here is a post, Finally!

Emma loves to talk! Most of the time we have no idea what she is saying, but she just jabbers away. She will repeat almost anything she hears. She also loves reading her adoption story. She always points to us and tells us who it is, “That’s daddy! That’s mommy! That’s Emma.” But as much as I tried, she would never say Samantha. Last week at church she was looking at her book and pointing to everyone as usual. I whispered, pointing to Samantha, “That’s Sam.” Emma repeated “Sam”. I never thought that hearing Emma say her birth mom’s name would make me want to cry, but it did! Now every time she sees a picture of Samantha she exclaims, “That’s Sam!” It’s so sweet to hear her as she looks at pictures and tells us, “That’s mommy, that’s Emma, that’s Sam!” She also tells us, “I Emma Sam.”

Foster Care Friday: positive parenting and play therapy

2011-10-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

Some of my favorite Foster Care training classes have been on Positive Parenting and Play/ Art Therapy. I just found this blog that combines those two things, and is purely amazing!

- Play at Home Mom

Foster Care Friday: More in Birth Family Relationships

2011-10-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

I had another awkward question and conversation with Will’s mom… I honestly think they just don’t understand adoption and I don’t know how to approach it and explain it to them (Will’s parents). Not only that, but they were completely out of the loop when it can to Samantha placing Emma for adoption. Will wasn’t in the picture and then all of a sudden “Jay” was adopted by strangers! I can’t imagine realizing that your son is no longer “daddy”, he’s just “Will”.

The question, “Will told us her name was Jay …. ……, Why is her name Emma?” I explained to her, “Samantha did name her Jay …., but when we adopted her we changed it to Emma. Sorry, I'm sure it is difficult to have had her placed for adoption and you guys had no idea what was going on. We hope to get to know you all better and be able to stay in touch through Facebook!” She took it really well! She thanked me for being so honest with them and she also wants to have a relationship and know each other better for Emma’s sake. I don’t know why I’m so nervous about these things. I guess I just don’t want to say the wrong thing and upset them and mess up our relationship!

Elder Anderson Talk: Guest Post by Ashley

2011-10-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

I LOVED Elder Anderson's talk, probably my favorite from this weekend! (Have no idea what I'm talking about? Click here for more info!) I just couldn't put into words my thoughts and feelings until I ready Ashley's post! With her permission, I'm posting her post as my Guest Post! enjoy!

My Take On Elder Andersen's Talk

I wasn't at all offended by it. I wasn't hurt by it either. Not even a little. I watched it once and listened to it again when I made Mike watch it. I honestly had a difficult time seeing why people were stung by his words. Bear with me.

To me, the talk said several things that applies to everyone, even the infertiles:

1. It's not about how you bring a child into your home, through birth or adoption, it's about that you do it if you're supposed to.

A few years ago, I decided to mentally edit talks. Whenever I hear the words "bear children" in a talk, I add two words, "for your." So whenever I heard Elder Andersen say "Bear and raise children" I heard "Bear for your and raise children." I do this because I'm an adoptive mom.

I don't see the call to 'bear children' as meaning 'shoot a baby out of your vagina.' I see 'bear children' to mean "add a child to your family." Bear means 'to produce or yield.' People automatically assume that it means to be pregnant with and deliver.

I bore my daughter into our family just as much as I bore my son.

I endured the trials of infertility. I called the agency. I worked with the office. I scheduled appointments, I arranged the homestudy. I completed the paperwork. I wrote our profile, I compiled photos. I spoke with expectant mothers and worked to form those relationships. I was the one who went shopping for gifts for Carri. I was there for the birth. I stood while people said horrible things to Carri. I spent the night with her and did everything I could to show her who I was so that she felt entirely comfortable that what she saw was what Julia was getting. I was the one who collapsed in the hallway unable to breathe after we said goodbye. I worked with the caseworker, I wrote to Carri, I did whatever I had to to keep my daughter in our home. Carri didn't just show up at our front door with a baby asking if we'd be interested. We had to meet half-way and I was the one who did 90% of the work from our half-way point end.

I did bear my daughter into our lives from our end. Maybe other couples going through the adoption process are more 50/50 in their efforts, and to those who are that's awesome. But Mike will be the first one to tell you that I was responsible for our relationship with the expectant mothers and Carri. That when we say "We did it" that he says it as "SHE did it."

So when I listen to people say that it's our sacred calling to bear and raise children

I don't feel like I'm being singled out for being infertile.

2. Some have said that the talk came across as "I don't care if you're on food stamps living under a bridge, have babies." I didn't see it this way.

There are a lot of reasons why people don't have kids. Or choose to wait. Debt. School. Circumstances. Medical reasons. All of them understandable, all of them very VERY good reasons to not just have babies just because.

What Elder Andersen was saying is "Despite your circumstances, have you asked? Have you and your spouse gotten down on your knees and had a long conversation with Heavenly Father about whether or not now is the time to bring a child into your home? Have you asked until you got an answer? Why not? What's stopping you from asking. And do you have the faith to move forward, regardless of the answer? Even if it seems like it's going to be impossible? Have you asked?"

We haven't asked. Honestly, I didn't know that I had the right to ask. Our promptings to add Julia and Gabriel came so strongly that we didn't ask, we were blindsided. But now, we don't know. Honestly, truly, we don't know.

So Mike and I asked ourselves, "What's stopping us from asking? Why do we feel that we can make this decision without asking? What's holding us back?"

So we're asking. And talking. And praying. I don't know what the answers are yet. I know why it would be a bad idea. But should I put my faith in God and move forward if He asks me to?

3. We have no place to question anyone else's answer. I'm infertile. I've been there. I've seen that family with four kids, no money and barely scraping by. And guess what? She's pregnant. Again. And I didn't have one.

We've been on the receiving end of it. "You've been married seven years, don't you think it's time you stopped being so selfish and started a family?"

The point he was making was, don't question someone else's answer. Because while one person may have gotten a "Have another one" someone else may have gotten a "wait. Not yet."

4. If your answer is "no" then you still have a sacred responsibility. Just because you don't have children in your home doesn't mean that you're not important to children in the world. Because you are. There are roles you can fill that sometimes a mother can't.

There's a reason that they say that it takes a village to raise a child. Because it takes all kinds of people to round out a child, to teach them love, compassion, sympathy, strength, empathy and courage. I wouldn't even begin to pretend that I can educate my children on everything. Because I can't. But friends, family, neighbors and other people can help. For those of you whose arms might always be lacking a child with your last name, there are children who need you to teach them about service. To lend a listening ear and offer sound advice. To be a friend, a confidant and cheer-leader. Your mom is supposed to love you. But having someone who isn't your mom tell you that they think you're amazing and a gift can do so much good. I had a very good cheerleader, Sister Tunks. She made me feel special and I was so grateful to her.

Part of who I am is because of her. And so many others.

You have been blessed with that role.

5. If you've asked, gotten your answer, are doing everything you're supposed to be doing and waiting, then this talk isn't really about you. I mean you can get anything you want out of a talk, yes, but this talk was for people who were scared. Hurting because they weren't going the right direction. Or just needed a little reminder.

This talk was for me. As an infertile woman, I got a lot out of this message. Ask. Have faith to act. Trust. Move forward, no matter what the direction. Find the joy in your answer. Even if it isn't the one you were hoping for. Because you have something to offer, something to give.

And the world is blessed for it.

Love...

2011-10-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

I LOVE checking our mail, obsesed with it actually! If the mail comes later in the day I will check it every 30 minutes or so! Why? Because I LOVE getting mail from Samantha! We write each other at least once a month, it used to be once a week, but I've been slacking (okay, just really busy with our new business!). Today when I check the mail, there was an envelope. Before now all packages have been from my parents, but when I saw this one I just know it was from Sam. I look at the return address.... Samantha! I ripped it open and found a letter, a card to Emma and this....

My husband and I were freaken out the first 30 minutes it was in our house, "Oh my gosh that is the cutest thing I've ever seen!" Hubby, "I have to take a picture and send it to my mom and show her what Sam made for Emma!" Then he told Emma, "You birth mom loves you SO much!". Emma loves it too! She usually keeps hats on for about 30 seconds. Not this one, she loved having it on. She would take it off and come up to us, "Mommy's hat!" and try to put it on me. She would just walk around the house with it on! Too cute!!!

It's weird to explain why we are so excited and so thrilled about a HAT. We feel so blessed that Emma has letters and such from Sam. They have their matching blankets and a few gifts Sam has given her. But this, this is something that Samantha made just for her, plus it's freaken cute! I told hubby, the second she out grows that it's going in her life box!

Foster Fare Friday

2011-09-30T13:35:00.000-07:00

We have never made contact with Will. At this point, I want to, but don’t want him to have our address and in his current situation that is the only possible contact. The weird thing is, I don’t know what Will knows about us or what has gone on with Emma. I do know that at least two of his siblings know Emma was placed for adoption and they have been great about it. Samantha tells me that Will knows, but I still wonder. Letters I found between them (Sam and Will) are, I’ll just said, Strange!

I have the Facebook account for Emma and I’m friends with all of Will’s family. I try to post an update every once in a while. I posted one yesterday and said that Emma wasn’t as into her dance class as much as she was last week because she was too distracted by the fact that daddy was there. Then Will’s mom commented, “You guys saw Will?” It makes me uneasy reading that. I thought they knew Emma was adopted. Or do they just assume that Will is and always will be “Daddy”. As far as I have been told, he has seen her a few times, but has never held her or even touched her. He’ll go back and forth between denying she’s his and then wanting to be in his daughter’s life. I commented and told Will’s mom, “No we didn’t see him. I was talking about her (adopted) dad, my husband.” I'll see if she says anything else.

Sometimes it is hard to find a healthy balance in adoption relationships, especially through foster care. I love LOVE our open adoption with Sam, but I also have to look out for the best interests of our daughter! I’ve also been too chicken to make contact with Ethan and Avery’s adoptive parents. I know, I need to suck it up and just write them!!!

....Really?

2011-09-30T01:12:00.000-07:00

It all started in the beginning of September… I was on my “WomanLog App” and notice and told my husband, “Hum, we did it on the date I should of ovulated!” Also note, I haven’t had a period since April… A few days later I start spotting, but nothing else, it stopped at that. Now, that is weird. I know my body/ cycles and it was out of the ordinary! I waited… and waited tried to push it off as much as I could. Then Tuesday I spotted again. I decided to text my friend and talk to her about it. My fear, that I WAS pregnant but was already miscarrying! Oh yeah, after dinner I was on the verge of throwing up… I couldn’t sleep. If only I had a pregnancy test so I would just know I wasn’t and move on with my life. I laid in bed, decided to get up and just check. What’d ya know, I had one! A few minutes later I texted my husband who was at work, “Call me when you can.” 3 minutes later, “I’m freakin out here! Call me ASAP!!” He call me asking what was wrong, Me: “I really wish I didn’t have a sleeping child right now!” husband: “Why” Me: “So you could bring me the car so I could go to the store!” husband: “Why?” Me: “To buy another pregnancy test! Because the one I’m looking at is POSITIVE!” Now, we’re been married for over 7 years and this is the second time this has happened. My husband’s response, “You better NOT be pregnant!” I know, so sweet! Don’t take that the wrong way, he would be thrilled if I was, but we just love adopting through foster care, plus hubby is convinced our children would be ugly, LOL! He had to go back to work and now I really couldn’t sleep. I sat in bed and kept looking at my stomach, Really??? I was shocked and shacking. Hubby couldn’t come home soon enough!

I finally went to sleep. Emma slept in. We watched Sesame Street and then got ready and went to the store. Came home, peed on a stick…. Negative! Awesome, exact same thing that happened in April of 2008. We decided to wait a few more days before checking again. I’ve been nauseous every time I eat, but I was hoping that was a good sign. After lunch, well, I’ll just say I am 100% sure I’ve once again miscarried….

Why body? I was fine never being pregnant! I love adopting. I love foster care! Why taunt me? “Ha ha, look you can get pregnant once every 3 to 4 years, but it’s never going to stay in, Just so ya know!” Really, I’m fine with the whole thing, more so annoyed with my body and really wanting a hysterectomy! In happy news, We found a new rental that we love and are really, really hoping to get into it!!!!

And my husband’s advise to my previous post, “Just know sometimes you’re going to have to get your heart broken a few times!”

How do you not get your hopes up in a possible adoption situation just to have them shattered?

2011-09-25T00:59:00.000-07:00

Thing #1 I am not outwardly “Praise the Lord” kind of person, however I deeply believe in my Faith.

Thing #2 I love getting message, e-mails and questions. They get me thinking and writing and I usually end up turning them into a blog post.

That being said: How do you not get your hopes up in a possible adoption situation just to have them shattered?

(Sorry to get a little preachy on ya’.)

I think the only thing you can do, even though it's hard at the time, trust in Heavenly Father. He has a plan for you. He knows how and when your baby is meant to come! Following promptings you get and it will lead you to the child that was meant to be yours. I know how emotionally hard that is to do at the time. But once you have your baby you will be to see the Lords hand in it all. I swore I would never do foster care again, but my friend talked me into it. As we worked on getting re-certified, Samantha was finding out she was pregnant. It's crazy how it worked out. Once we had Em we could see how we were guided to be in the right place to get her!

I know it's not the best advice. I had days that I wondered WHY God put me through this trial. Hadn't I already been through enough? It can be emotionally draining and there is no quick fix, but try to keep up hope. I had some rough days!

One day we were asked (in foster care) about a 2 year old little boy. We went and met him, I fell in love. I wanted him, I loved him, he was to be ours! They were debating between 2 or 3 families. When I got the call that they went with the family that already had 8 kids I cried. I cried hard. Why, Why should he go to a family that already has lots of kids and I have none! It’s not fair, it doesn’t make sense! Why can’t I have just one?

I don’t know God’s reasoning other then he wasn’t meant to be mine. Emma was. I saw that little boy recently. He was happy and healthy. I remembered the pain of finding out I didn’t get to be his mom. Then I looked at my daughter and forgot all about it. I felt so grateful that she is mine, forever.

Why did we have to go through our adoption scam? I don’t know… We learned a lot, most things I can’t even put in words. Maybe to set an example of what true forgiveness really is. I learned how deeply I love and care about Samantha, even when she makes mistakes.

Trusting in God’s plan sometimes is hard. Taking steps into the darkness, into the unknown, can be scary. But once you are done you realize it wasn’t so hard and you came out braver and stronger. Even though at the time you thought for sure it was going to kill you (emotionally).

Foster Care Friday: Calls

2011-09-23T16:58:00.000-07:00

We got a call the other day about a foster child. After hanging up and talking with Brad, I realized something. We get 2 different kind of calls from DCFS.
1 is: We have a placement for you
2: We are going to have a placement we were wondering if you'r interested in

They sound the same, but are really different. For example #1 (like with Emma) "We have a baby girl that is getting removed and we want to know if you're interested."

#2 "We are in the process of removing this child and we're just looking for families that might be intested."

How is this different. With #1, you say yes, you want to take the child and you get them. That is how Ben, Isaac, Madison and Emma was, and also Joey. With #2, they have not yet removed the child and if you say yes, you are on their list, but they are also looking at other families to see how would be best for the child.

We have gotten #2 calls probably 4 or 5 times and we have never once gotten one of those children. It's a different kind of emotional roller coaster. #1, it's crazy because it's out of the blue, "FYI you'll have a new kid at your house in an hour!". #2, you are waiting and waiting for the phone to ring. Do you get ready or not? Is it going to be hard taking down all the baby clothes you got out when you find out you aren't getting it placement? But what if they do call and your getting the child, then it's a mad scramble to get ready! Ahh, it's fun doing foster care!

Update: 3 days later I was 99% sure it wasn't going to happen. But then I saw our RFC at a meeting and asked her, they still haven't been removed and she hasn't found anyone else, so who knows!!

Fundraising and Vinyl

2011-09-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

Looking for a Fundraiser? This is a great one (here)!!! Custom vinyl decals, wall art, name art and more!

Also adoption and foster care themed vinyl! (here)

-and more!

Foster Care Friday: Would You?

2011-09-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

I know the world of open adoptions in foster care is small. I don’t know how many couples out there have one, but I’m sure there’s not many. I know a number of foster parents who view birth parents as bad or scary people. We should look past their mistakes and see them for who they really are. How would you like it if people looked at you and only saw your flaws and mistakes? Some birth parents view the foster parents as the bad people. They are in foster care to steal away the birth parents baby and their only motive is to adopt, not to help in any way.

I’m glad that I’ve had some great experiences with foster care and that I don’t view the birth parents in a negative way. After hearing comments from foster parents like “Make sure the birth parents don’t even know your names, in case it goes to adoption.” It got me thinking… I know each case is different, but how likely am I to do an open adoption again in foster care? What about my past placements, would I of done an open adoption with any of them?

Ben: His dad and I got along really well and had a lot of one on one interaction. I never meet the birth mom, but I think she would be #1 reason I wouldn’t do an open adoption. After really thinking about it, I can’t say 100% if I would or would not.

Isaac and Madison: The way our case was going (4 years ago), I would do semi-open with their birth mom. I would be open for visits at the park or other public places and e-mail correspondents.

I forgot about Joey.... Last night I was at the store and I thought I was his mom, but wasn't 100% it was her. Then she saw me and came over, "HI!!!" We talked for a minute, she showed me a new picture of Joey on her phone. It was nice talking to her and oddly enough, I really enjoy it. Would I do open with her? Ummmm, you want a shocking secret I've kept??? Emma's birthmom, Sam, and Joey's birthmom are friends! There is more to the story, but it's too crazy to share. Now, the weird thing is, Joey's mom doesn't know that Emma is "Jay" so it's been no big deal. IF we adopted Joey, it would only be a matter of time until Sam either figured it out, or Joey's mom did or someone tells the other person. Other then the fact that Sam and Joey's mom are friends, I really do think I'd like an open adoption with them! Well, we don't have Joey any more and I really do hope they can work and get him back, I'm just saying hypothetically!

Social Media: I would with all my cases (past and possibly future) do like I’ve done with Emma. Because the way I do it still protects our identity so there is nothing to fear! I’ve posted about it a number of times, but once again, what I’ve done is made Emma her own Facebook page. I do NOT include our last name, her middle name, where we live, our address, or pictures of us. Instead of putting her adoptive name, I use her birth name along with just “Emma”. I post pictures of her and what she is up to, new things she says and things she loves. I also felt very safe when we first started our open adoption with Sam with e-mailing each other. That way she didn’t have our physical address or phone number, but we could still stay in contact. She did/does know our last name, but that’s never been an issue. Even with her knowing where we live, it was never a big deal. Each case is different and just go with your gut

Foster Care Friday: What Would You Do?

2011-09-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

I have recently heard a foster parents ask a question like this: The birth mom to their foster child would like a picture of them. The caseworker advises not to. The sympathetic foster mom, understand that is must be hard to have some stranger taking care of your child and not even know what they look like.

My thoughts: With Samantha and also Joey’s birth parents, they both found great comfort in meeting my husband and I and knowing who had their child. Obviously with Samantha, she felt a real bond with me and the rest is history. But I’ve never had a negative experience when interacting with birth parents. I even had a visit at the park with Isaac and Madison’s birth mom and the caseworker forgot to come to supervise so it was just me, the kids and birth mom. Nothing happened. We talked, she gave the kids lunch, they played. (The caseworker eventually did show up, after we called her!)

I know each case is different…. But if I were in that situation, I would see if I could meet the birth mom. If it wasn’t possible or not safe then I would ask our caseworker about the CW showing the birth mom a picture of us. I don’t think I would just give a birth parent a picture of my husband and I for her to keep. You have no idea what she might do with it.

Also, in regards to some of the comments this foster parent got, I have never had a birth parent try to get info about my husband and I. I’ve never had them ask personal questions, or try to follow me. I was asked questions regarding the child and how they were doing, what they were eating and such, but never anything about me. The only time I was asked personal questions was after Samantha had decided to place Emma for adoption and she wanted to get to know us better. Which I was happy to do! I know I’m only at 4 cases with 5 foster kids’ total, just my experiences and thoughts.

Also trust your caseworker, If they say something isn’t safe, then trust them. There were times (post adoption) that Sam told me she was clean, and then when talking to our caseworker she told me, You know Sam’s still using, right? But no, Sam swears to me she’s clean. Guess what, our caseworker was right! They do know what is best for your case and do what is best for both birth parents and foster parents.

Foster Care Friday:

2011-09-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

Joey left 7 weeks ago. The day he left was a little crazy. We had no idea he was going to kinship that day. I started out the morning as usual. I got him ready to go for his visit. He was still in his pajamas so I put an outfit in the diaper bag, along with a bottle, burp cloth and lotion. As I was putting his car seat in the caseworkers car I found out he was going to kinship that day. While he was at the visit I packed up his things. I figured I at least would see him one last time, say good bye, change his clothes and get our stuff back. It didn’t happen like that. He left while he was at the visit. When I found out he left at the visit I told the caseworker that a handful of stuff that was with him was ours. Okay, no problem we’ll get it back.

I went back in a few weeks later to see if they had my stuff. No, we need a detailed list of the things. I scramble my brain, What did I even send? I made the list to the best of my knowledge. A few days maybe a week later I realized I get the wrong details about the outfit. I went back in and left caseworker a note. I waited a few more weeks, no word. I went back in and left caseworker a note asking if they had gotten my stuff. 6 weeks after Joey left, still nothing. Now I know it’s not the end of the world. The stuff’s value was maybe $20 total, but I’m a sentimental person. The burp cloth was a gift to us for Ben. My husband is a huge baseball fan and I found the outfit sometime in the 6 years of TTC for our future son. The pajamas, I bought right around the time Brad and I met, weird I know! My boss gave me a $100 gift card to Dillard’s and I couldn’t find anything for me, so I bought baby clothes! Yep, I know I’m crazy! The bottle, Ben and Emma (and Joey) all drank from that bottle, no worries, I did buy new nipples for them. Okay, back to 6 weeks later…. I go into DCFS again. The caseworker tells me they lost the list of items and asks for it again. Yesterday caseworker called and said my stuff was there. I picked it up today. I got the outfit and the lotion back. They also included 4 bottles, none of which were mine, pajamas also not mine, and 3 shirts none of them were mine. The caseworker asked if that was my stuff or if it was okay. Whatever, I’m tired of fighting this battle over trivial things! For future placements I’m marking all our stuff with an N, like I do with the clothes, but on everything. Brad said, we should just make sure to send them to a visit with just their own stuff. Only problem with that plan is sometimes, like Joey and Emma, they don’t come with hardly anything so you physically can’t do that!

Next thought of today: I LOVE our doctor! On Sunday Emma got a blister looking thing on her lip. Monday it was really bothering her, and she got another one. Soon they were all over her tongue and inside her mouth! She would cry in pain for hours, wouldn’t eat or drink anything and nothing helped! We were out of town (of course) so we couldn’t go to the doctor today. I guess our doctor wasn’t in because we w saw the PA. After talking about Emma’s blister and she looked at them, and said she didn’t see any inside her mouth (when I got home I easily saw 5 without even searching), she came back in and asked me, “Do you or your dad ever get cold sores?” I was taken back by the question. What does that have to do with my (adopted) daughter? I sat there with a puzzled look on my face and told her, I don’t know. PA “You’d know if you did.” By this point it’s sinking in, oh yeah she doesn’t know Emma is adopted and obviously wants my personal history in reference to Em. So all Emma has is cold sores. As I drove home I thought, man I really love our doctor. He is great with Emma being adopted and never asks me questions like that.

Those dang Facebook Status Games!

2011-09-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

I’ll admit, I did the “Bra Color” game and laughed as my husband was wondering what the heck was going on! It is the only one I have done. The “I like it on” and shoe sizes one I thought were all dumb. Whoever invented the “I’m pregnant one”, you went TOO far. The others were not offensive or hurtful, but this…. Really what infertile wants to read dozens of “I’m 14 weeks and crazing pickles!” Just another reminder of what we may never have!

I first heard of this game on my “infertility account” on facebook. I know, I’m weird I have my own account and my infertility one. I heard about it before I ever saw a post, thank heavens! Then the post started coming… gag me! I got the message inviting me to do it. I said something on my infertility account because I knew people could relate. But did I dare say something on my account…. No guts no glory! The first comment to my status “FYI the "I'm pregnant game" isn't very funny or cute (or even promote breast cancer awareness), especially to those of us who have struggled with infertility!” was from my friend who sent me the message about the game saying she was sorry. Then I noticed a message, she sent everyone a link to an infertile’s blog about the game! Then she posted she feels guilty for promoting that game.

Now, I’ve dealt with a lot of inconsiderate people when it comes to infertility and 99% of them just don’t care. It’s no big deal in their eyes. I’m amazed at my friend for now spreading the word on how hurtful this game can be!

Post Update: I can't keep my big mouth shut on this.... I was honered to recieve this message from a friend on the subject, "I agree completely about the "game" that is being played. It breaks my heart that so many people are suffering from infertility. I am even more sorry that one of those people is you. As an individual who doesn't know what it is like to want a child so bad I am grateful that I have people like you in my life that I can learn from. I am sorry your pain is a blessing in my life."

Then my gut churned for another friend who posted my status above. She got the dreeded, "Don't stress over it" advice. If you've struggled with infertility and it's not a secret, then there is a good chance you've heard it before. "Just relax and it will happen. Stop trying for a while." It's NOT helpful. In fact, it's just hurtful! That advise does not help in creating a baby! Infertility is a disorder not a mind set!

To be honest (um, when am I not) I can't stress it enough now emotionally hard infertility is! I have been through every form of abuse possible, have suffered from depression and Infertility is the hardest thing I have ever been through! As I alid in bed trying to sleep I remembered one time while we were TTC, I went to take a pregnancy test. I locked myself in the bathroom and bawled while my husband was out side the door asking, "Well??". I cry just thinking about all of the rough times.

Today we took our daughter swimming. I took some way cute pictures of her while we were there. After we put her to bed I was looking at them and I told my husband, "I'd think after 1 1/2 years of having her I wouldn't get this way over a picture of her. But I still can not get enough of her!"

This is my all time favorite video on infertility. Every person alive should watch it! (here: Empty Arms, Broken Hearts)

Here is the blogger who posted about it (here). I didn’t feel as strongly disguised with this game as this blogger, but still! Very well said!

Say Yes Video

2011-08-31T20:07:00.000-07:00

Closing an open adoption

2011-08-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

After we found out Sam wasn't pregnant and information that came out at that time, we thought about closing our adoption. We thought about it... We had good reasons to do so. Just because we were thinking about it, we still didn't want to cut all ties. We ended up not closing it, but this article just got me thinking today.
http://isaiah61girl.wordpress.com/2011/08/19/dear-adoptive-parent

It's so sad when I hear of people who close open adoptions for no operant reason. When I was considering it, we had very good reasons... I haven't post a lot of things that happened or things I've read between Sam and Will. Our main concern was Emma's safety. Untimely I felt we could find a healthy balance of openness and safety! It's also a whole different world doing foster care compared to adopting through LDSFS or privately. Not trying to say that the birth parents in foster care are bad people, just completely different situations. Wow, I got side tracked there... Just wanted to share the link on closing an open adoption.

Positive Parenting Class

2011-08-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

For the record, I am NOT a morning person and neither is Emma. She usually doesn’t wake up until 9 or 10. That being said, it was torture having to get up at 6:30 to take Brad to work then having to get up again and be ready to go to foster care training at 9.

The training was “Positive Parenting” and it was by far the BEST class I’ve ever been to! If you are a foster parent, an adoptive parent or any kind of parent or deal with kids, you should take this class!

I can’t even begin to describe it, other then amazing! Just in the last 20 minutes I’ve used what I’ve learned today and avoided 2 major fits! First I went to the gas station to get gas (duh) and got a soda because I was dying of thirst. I made sure to get something Emma could drink too. While I filled up with gas I let Emma share the soda with me, but once I was driving I couldn’t share with her without either her spilling it all or her refusing to give the soda back to me. So she was starting to throw a fit “Drink! Drink!” Me, “Emma, you can’t have a drink right now but once we are home mommy will share with you.” She kept going and I was starting to get worked up because she was getting louder and louder! I took a deep breath, “Emma, when we get home I’ll share with you, but I can’t give you a drink right now. How about mommy doesn’t drink any either until we get home and I can share?” The fit ended! How cow, how did that work?

Then, same issue over the soda… We got home and I was sharing, but Emma likes to back wash. I put some in a sippy cup for her and she is happy about it. Then she sets her cup down and grabs mine and keeps drinking it. “Emma, that’s moms not yours. Yours is over there.” She keeps drinking mine, which happens ALL the time! If I try to take my cup back, she screams! “Emma, what’s wrong with your drink. It’s the same as mom’s. Do you need more? Or do you want a straw?” Emma, “Straw!” I give her a cup with a straw and she’s good!

Now, there is a lot more to the class then my few things that have happened since it. But Emma is in the terrible twos and throws fits rather easily, so I was impressed with how she has done. The main point of the class was to spend more Time Energy and Effort on praising and giving attention to positive behavior. And give less attention to the negative behaviors, not ignore them, but minimize the attention given to them.

I’m so excited that I was able to take this class with Emma at such a young age. Hope the next 16 years go better because of it!!!

Foster Care Friday: Belongings and Labels

2011-08-05T00:18:00.000-07:00

The arrival and departure of a foster child can be crazy. Sometimes the child comes with lots of items or sometimes it's just a few. The child is supposed to come with a "Home to Home" binder (at least in Utah, I don't know about other states). In the binder is a form to fill out recording the items the child comes with. Now with both Emma and Joey I didn't get the binder right away, or at all with Joey. So how do you keep their things straight?

For their clothing I've made my own system of markings. I need to just pick one way and do it on all things, because out of the 5 placements, I've done 3 different things! With Ben, Madison and Isaac I used a sharpie and drew a line on the tags of our clothes we had. All of their clothes they came with or were purchased with their clothing allowance were left un-marked. So when the time came for them to leave I looked at the tags to see what was whos.

I've done similar things for Emma and Joey. With Emma, or Jay as she was, I put a "J" on the tag of her things. Then with Joey I put an "N" (our last name) on our things. From now on I'm sticking to the N on our things so I don't get confussed. But it works wonderfly to keep tract of what clothes are theirs and what stays when/ if they leave!

Struggling

2011-07-23T00:57:00.001-07:00

I was doing great... Key word is WAS.

Don't you love it when the pain of infertility comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks? In the past 7 months we've had 3 family members announce pregnancy. The first is due any day. Tonight when my husband read me the expecting parents facebook status it got to me.

It is nothing against them. Just that ever familiar pain that has been hiding out, waiting to spring up on me when I least expect it.

This person mentioned their mother-in-law was there taking care of them before the baby comes. It got me thinking... I do foster care, no one brings me dinner when we get a new little one, no one comes to help me out or help me adjust to two under two, no one gives me baby gifts, I still have to teach Relief Society 3 days after our little one arrives because after all it's not like I gave birth...

I know Emma isn't even 2 yet, but it's hard just knowing I can't have a baby whenever I want.

Life Box

2011-07-16T23:34:00.001-07:00

What is a life box?

It is this idea I've had for a while and I finally put it together!

I had Emma's life book, her baby book, a ziplock bag with cards in it and a ziplock bag with other important things in it scattered around Emma's room. Not really ideal for me.

Growing up I had 2 shoe boxes I kept stuff in. One had.cards and the other had important things to me or memories: movie ticket stubs, like things from girls camp and stuff like that.

So the other day I asked Brad to being me home a box just bigger than a shoe box. I just had to make it cute, I put scraps of paper on it and Brad topped it with heavy packing tape to keep it all together!

What's in Emma's box? Like I mentioned earlier, her life book and baby book. I made 4 little bags to go inside the box. One has cards from my baby shower and her first birthday. 2 bags are still empty and the other one is my favorite! It has: the bracelet she wore during the sealing and her blessing, the bow she also wore in those events (solid white at the sealing and then I added a pink ribbon to it that was from my blessing dress for her blessing!), one of the earrings she got her ears pierced in (she lost one a week after getting them done), a pacifier she came to us with, and the headband Sam brought to her at a visit which she was also wearing when Sam decided to place her for adoption!

I'm sure a lot more things will be added through the years! I love how it turned out.

I had a dream

2011-07-14T12:56:00.001-07:00

I completely agree with the comment I got on my post about making contact with Emma's siblings. I think I just need to work up the courage to do it.

Last night I had a dream.... In my dream we contacted Ethan and Avery's parents. It turned out (in my dream this is) that they were told that we didn't want contact even though they did. We actually got together and the kids played.

Today, 2 unlikely events lead to yet another sign we need to at least try contacting them.

So my husband and I only have one car. Our other one was dying so we sold it and we're still saving for a new one. If I ever need the car Brad brings it to me during his lunch at 1. Last night he decided he was going to bring me the car so I could run errands. I told him, those can be done on Friday, his day off. But no, he wanted to brings it to me (which also means Emma and I can go swimming after her nap, yay) So not only that, but he was going to bring it at 10 instead of 1.

I was running my errands and last on my list was milk. I headed towards Store A. We go to Store A 95% of the time. Every time I've seen Ethan and Avery it's at store A! Well as I was headed there something told me to go to store B... Weird, but okay. I like store B and it is closer, we go there like 5% of the time. I went in and was looking around. I eventually was headed for the milk and I passed an older guy. I didn't take much notice to him or his cart. After I passed him I noticed Emma staring at him. I turned around to see what she was staring at.... Ethan and Avery!

Of my gosh, Universe, I've got the hint! We are going to contact them!

When I told Brad he said, so you see them everywhere we go! Exactly my point, never saw them or their parents once in a year and all of a sudden almost 10 times in 2 months! It's getting kinda creepy actually!

So, we are working on it! Brad and I are going to figure out what to say and how to do it (mail, e-mail, facebook?). I'm excited and very very nervous!

Path to Parenthood

2011-07-12T12:16:00.001-07:00

When faced with infertility (and sometimes people without fertility issues) the path to parenthood is different then most peoples.

Yesterday I taught Relief Society at church (along we with sunday school, thanks to my husband). The lessons (i had 2 in RS) where on eternal families and family responsiblity. My favorite quote from them was "President Boyd K. Packer praised woman who were unable to have children of their own yet sought to care for others. He said, When I speak of mothers, I speak not only of those woman who have borne children, but also of those who have fostered children born to others, and of the many woman who, without children of their own, have mothered the children of others." (Mothers, 1977, 8)

I know some people who are determined to pursue everything possible for a biological child. Others instantly feel adoption or foster care are the path they are to take. For Brad and I, the important part was that we became parents, we didn't care how.

Today I read this quote on the Utah Foster Care Foundations site by Amy B., "In the end, the way children enter into your family is not nearly as important as the fact that they do."

When to make contact?

2011-07-11T23:40:00.001-07:00

Any other adoptive parents with kids who have sibling with different adoptive parents?

Emma has a brother "Ethan" and sister "Avery" who have also been adopted (they are together). Sam has told me that their adoptive parents don't want them to know about Emma, yet. I've respected that decision and their privacy. Which is also why I don't use real names.

It all started abort a month ago... One whole year had gone by and I had never, not once ran into them. Then one day I was at the store getting pictures of Emma printed for Sam and I saw them! The next week I was once again getting pictures for Samantha and I saw them! How crazy is that?

A few weeks after that my neighbors were having a yard sale and I put some things out to sell too. During I sale I look up and notice the kids adoptive dad in my front yard! Holy cow!

Once again about a week or so later I was at the post office mailing a letter to Sam and I see the dad again! By this point I'm really wondering if this is all a sign I should make contact with them! I've been thinking about it a lot.

Which brings me to today. I once again mailed Sam a letter today. Every time I go to the post office I hope to run into the dad again, but haven't. A little while later we went to the store. I saw Joey's grandma, who got him, with him. I ran over to see him before they left. This was the first time I've ever seen one of our placements after they have left!

After I talked to them I turned around and noticed my husband standing 5 feet away from Ethan, Avery and their dad! On the same day I mailed Sam, again! What is the universe trying to tell me?

We wondered around the store while my mind raced... I got us back to where they were, the dad and I made eye contact and said hi to each other. He kept looking at Emma, who is the spitting image of Avery with a little Ethan mixed in! I kept thinking, "Does he know who she is or who I am?"

It was killing me to not say anything to him. But because I've heard they don't want the kids to know, I wouldn't say anything with the kids around anyways... Ahhhhh. I feel so torn. Do I keep living my life or do I attemp to contact these people. What if they don't want me to contact them? If I did, what is the best way? Via mail, phone, or Facebook, or in person if I run into them again?

I'd love for Emma to know her siblings. I'd love for them to actually be a part of each others lives. I also respect this other family and the fact that they might not want their kids to ever know Emma exists. I feel the need to contact them, then if they want nothing to do with Emma, that's their decision. But what if they feel the same way I do, they want contact but aren't sure how to approach us.

Foster care friday: Lens

2011-07-01T09:03:00.001-07:00

I recently attended a training that really opened my eyes. In this class we talked about the "Challenge Model" and looking at birth parents through certain lenses.

The first one we discussed was the "damage lens". How some people see parents who children are taken with distorted or negative views. Our list of words in that lens were:
Unfit, worthless, losers, scum bags, white trash, and irresponsible.

After that list was compiled the instructor talked about how we as foster parents need to change that negative/distorted/damaged lens and view parents through the "needs lens".

What do these birth parents need? Assistance, counseling, a support system, drug rehab, parenting classes, life style change. Once you look at these birth parents and see them as what they need it really changes things!

There is also the "resiliency/ strengths lens" and then the "challenge lens".

Not all parents with children in foster care are bad people. They have made mistakes and need help. It is amazing the difference you feel when you really look at these parents and see their needs and strengths instead if seeing them negatively!

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Joey, the conclusion

2011-06-30T12:10:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to make our DCFS office sound bad, they really are great!

Things were really all over the place with Joey's case. Not even Joey's case worker knew what was going on.

So Joey had his weekly visit. The case worker we had with Emma came to our house to get him, she was helping out Joey's worker. I asked her if she knew what was going on in the case. She said it might go to kinship today!

While he was gone I packed up his stuff. The relative getting him took him at the end of the visit so that was that.

I forgot how crazy the first month can be with a case. We had some similar issues with Emma, not knowing all info. But the next 6 months in Emma's case was so prefect I forgot about the craziness!

I do love our office. They do their best. Emma's case worker agreed with me that Emma's doctor office is the best with foster kids! I get why they prefer that I stick with the doctor the kid is seeing. If I do get another child that goes to that office I'm going to talk to our medical worker first so maybe I won't have the same problems!

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I (heart) technology and social media!

2011-06-28T22:15:00.001-07:00

One thing I've done that I love, with our open adoption, was made Emma her own Facebook page for her birth family.

Before now all her "friends" were family members I knew of: Sam's parents and siblings and Will's brother. The other day I got a friend request and a message from Emma's aunt, who I didn't even know existed! I confirmed the friend request and replied to her message asking if she was Will's sister and said I knew nothing about their side of the family.

I got another message from her today. She said she would be happy to answer any questions I have about the family. She also told me their mom, so Emms'a biological grandma, was adopted! How amazing is that?!

I'm hoping to get to know Will's side of the family more. We still have not made any contact with him. We've thought about it, just haven't yet.

I really do love foster care...

2011-06-28T00:20:00.001-07:00

Foster care can have it's moments of being frustrating and I'm having one of those days.

Joey recently had a doctors appointment. I love the doctor we take Emma to, they are amazing when it comes to the foster care situation. Of course Joey goes to a different doctor... Needless to say I got tired of saying, "he's in foster care".

When I called to make the appointment I told them he was in foster care, they didn't seem to care. When I checked in they stated asking their usual patient questions and I had to remind her, he's in foster care. The nurse called us back, then started asking family medical history questions, he's in foster care, I'm not his mom! So she asked me my husband and I's history and put that on his file! Really?! I get if he was adopted and we didn't know the birth parents info, but putting in the foster parents info? I'm sure it will greatly impact his life that the foster mom he had for 3 weeks of his life was 5 feet tall! Things weren't a whole lot better with the doctor either.

We've been totally out of the loop on Joey's case too, which is the most frustrating! We happened to drive by the courthouse and see Joey's parents there. Apparently they had court and no one notified us before or after. When I asked for Joey's "home to home binder" the caseworker told me he didn't know when I'd get it. I asked how much warning I'll get when he's being moved, none. Sweet, so do I have his stuff packed and ready to go today, tomorrow, or next week? Sigh, I remind myself that it's not always this bad. And I still love foster care, I really do.

Questions and Answers

2011-06-25T22:52:00.001-07:00

I've gotten some questions from people (in real life) about Joey leaving.

1) Does he have to go? Do you have a say in the matter?

Yes, he has to leave. Yes and No on if I have a say in the matter of a foster child leaving. Majority of the time, you have no say. Or if you are having problems with the placement you can request they be removed, which DCFS doesn't take lightly. (I can write more on that later if anyone wants the details on that subject). Or if you feel the child either returning home or moving to kinship is really unhealthy, you can fight the courts on it. Which I have never really heard of anyone doing.

In our case I have no reason to fight the judges decision, so no I don't really have much of a say in it.

2) Is it a good thing or bad thing he is leaving?

I hope it is good for him. They (dcfs) try to place childen with family. When they are trying to find/ approve family, or if no family is willing and able, is when a child is placed in a foster home. Think about it, if you had a niece/ nephew, sibling, cousin, or grandchild in foster care wouldn't you want that child to come stay with you while it's parents worked things out. Do you think it would be best for a child to live with family it knows and loves or complete strangers? Joey is our 4th out of 5 to go to family, so we're used to it.

3) Did the mom change her mind and want him back?

It isn't that easy for parents to just want the child back (in foster care). The parents did something to get the child removed and they need to change that thing to get the child back.

Also, if the situation was in fact just adoption, different states have laws about how much time a parent has to "change thier minds" it ranges from zero time to up to months. Our state is once you relinquish you can't change your mind. They made that very clear to Samantha when she was relinquishing. So if you are a birth parent/ adoptive parent make sure you know your states laws on the matter.

Will I miss him?
Sure, but it isn't heartbreaking. He is a pretty good baby, I just know he isn't meant to be mine. There will be more foster placements in our future, so we will see what happens with those.

Any other questions?

Thoughts on Joey

2011-06-24T00:20:00.001-07:00

I thought I already posted this, but I didn't....

We already know Joey will be leaving soon to kinship (family), but these were our thoughts before we knew:

We've been asked if we are hoping for adoption. Now that we are parents our thoughts on foster care are a little different. We don't see each case as our one shot at becoming parents. Our feelings are, if it happens (adoption) great, if not, oh well. Whatever happens happens.

It took us 6 years to become parents. We finalized Emma's adoption 7 months ago. At this point we feel no rush for another baby, but if one comes along that's great too.

I don't know if his parents will get him back. To be honest, I hope they can straighten up and get him back. They are nice kids who love him so much. They just need a little help.

With our first 3 kids I felt strongly that they weren't meant to be mine. With Emma I didn't feel strongly either way, but felt a little like she was. With Joey I felt in the middle again, but a little like he wasn't. I love having him around. I love him in a way that is hard to describe. I'm sure other foster parents understand. I know more kids will come when they are meant to.

A few first's...

2011-06-21T22:48:00.001-07:00

We have experienced a few firsts with Joey's case. It is the first time I've met both birth parents. We get along really well.

But, Joey will be our shortest placement yet! Less than 3 weeks total. We'll miss him, but it's all a part of doing foster care.

I love and treasure each foster care experience I get. However long or short I learn new things and fall in love with foster care all over again.

Between experiences with Sam, the last training class I took, and now experiences with Joey's parents I see birth parents differently. I'll post more on that once we have a computer again! (it's too hard from my phone)

I've also learned I'm not as anxious for #2 as I was before! If it comes along great, but until than I'm fine waiting a little while longer.

Father's Day

2011-06-20T09:34:00.001-07:00

I've had foster kids on holidays like: Easter, mothers day, and halloween. But I have never done anything for the birth parents.

I've had an open adoption with Sam for a year now. I'm in the mindset of doing crafty/ seasonal things for Emma's birth mom so it has rubbed off on my foster care experience. Which I love! So for Father's day I had to include Joey in making a craft for his dad. To be honest Joey's turned out better than Emma's!

Visitations

2011-06-15T09:31:00.001-07:00

Joey is our fifth foster child. As we had our first visit with his birth family I reflected on all my visitation experiences.

I have had visits at DCFS, the family support center, the park, the arcade place at Wal-Mart, & Mc Donald's.

We have had visits as close as 2 minutes away and as far away as 1 1/2 hours!

I have gotten no warning for visits "can we do a visit right now?", or a few hours notice to 1 to 2 days notice. Once the case is more established they are usually set like Mondays and Wednesdays at 1.

I have met at least 1 of all my foster kids birth parents. I have never met both the birth parents on any case. 1 of them it was the birth father and the rest have been the birth mom.

I have had unsupervised visits with just me and the birth parents in the dcfs lobby.

I have had the supervisor to the visit not show up, at the park. We (birth mom and I) called her and she eventually showed up.

I have had birth parents cancel last minute, not show up at all & leave a visit early.

I have never had a bad experience with a birth parent. Never been yelled at, or had anything scary or threatening happen!

I have taken a little one to a visit fully clothed and picked them up in just a onesie for no apparent reason.

I have taken a hungry baby to a visit with a full bottle ready to eat, told the birth parent baby was hungry. Picked them up an hour, baby screaming and a full bottle and the parent wondering why they cried the whole time.

My friend had a birth parent feed the 1 year old an entire container of Oreos!

I have had visits with not just the birth parents there but also siblings, aunts, and grandparents.

Okay on to Joey's visit... Our case with Joey is a little complicated (which I obviously can't say). We have been working with 2 CPS workers. Worker 1 is our actual worker, we've known him for years. Worker 2 has been helping worker 1.

So I didn't meet the birth mom at the start of the visit. I was still hoping to meet her that day. Towards the end of the visit Worker 2 came out and asked me to go into the other room to avoid the birth mom. We went into the other room and I explained to her that even though our case is weird I'm not going to let that cause problems. Worse case scenario is they (birth parents) come to my house. Worker 2 said if anything like that happens I'm to call the police. Plus that only makes things worse for the parents. Worker 2 agreed with me that it was important for me to meet them, but because of the complexities worker 1 was hesitant. She went and talked to 1 about it some more. The birth mom really wanted to meet me too, to know who had her son and such.

The other day I got the cutest picture of Joey smiling. I printed a copy of it and brought it for the birth parents. Worker 2 said the mom loved it.

After a few minutes worker 2 told me I could come out and meet the birth mom. She told the mom just don't do anything stupid! So we got to meet! She was really nice, we talked about what a great baby Joey is. We would of talked longer but I had to be somewhere.

I also meet the guy who will be our actual dcfs case worker. We were hoping for the same worker we had with Emma, but it isn't. Oh well. I've never meet this guy or worked with him, so for all I know he might be awesome too!

Foster care...

2011-06-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

As soon as we found out Sam wasn't pregnant we felt strongly that it was time to do foster care again. I was excited for another placement, but in no rush. My philosophy is, they come when they are meant to!

It has been 3 months. I think I recently said it had been 2, I miscalculated. The other day we were out and I realized I forgot my phone at home, oh well no big deal. After we got home I changed and eventually checked my phone. I had a missed call from our Resource Family Consultant (RFC) and I had a voicemail. I skipped the voicemail and called him back. My favorite words, "We have a placement we were wondering if you are interested in?"

I wrote down the info he gave me, asked questions and handed Brad the info and asked what he thought, we agreed and said yes!

Very shortly there after he arrived. This was the first time ever Brad was home when we got a placement! He said the rush of getting the call and running around getting ready and anticipating their arrival was exciting! It really is! The number 1 question we're asked (other then his name and age), how long will you have him? We don't know. A few weeks, months, we really don't know. Can it go to adoption? Maybe. But kinship hasn't been ruled out neither has reunification.

Brad and I have agreed that it is so much easier now that we have Emma. We don't feel the pressure of this baby being our one shot of parenthood. It's a fun adventure and we're so excited for it. I also don't feel strongly either way, that he isn't meant to be our or that he is. We'll see as the case progresses.

I've also been asked, would you want to adopt him? Yes! I'll admit, it's crazy with 2 kids and Emma is a little young, but we re-opened our case knowing that. He is an adorable and sweet little guy. He will be called "Joey" on here (not his real name of course).

I'll attempt to keep blogging, but I honestly have no time anymore. Which is okay, because I'm loving it!

A year ago today

2011-06-08T21:55:00.001-07:00

I remember standing in my kitchen when our case worker told me. My friend was living with us, I was shaking as I stood in her doorway and told her, "Sam's thinking about relinquishing!"

It was a long 24 hours... Our caseworker came out to get me after she and Sam talked. As we walked to her office I asked her, "so, is she going to place J for adoption?" I had to stand there a minute and just breath.

It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Sitting and taking to Samantha about her decision was something I can't describe. It was one of the biggest days of my life, next to getting married and Emma's adoption and sealing.

What did we do to celebrate? Went swimming! One of Emma and Sam's favorite activities!

More to come on our day later...

PCOS and hair loss

2011-06-06T23:35:00.001-07:00

Anyone else with PCOS experience bouts of major hair loss? Is it just me, or is it PCOS related?

It doesn't bother me that my luscious locks are falling out. I have super thick hair and honestly I can stand to get rid of some.

What bugs me about it is my phobia! You see hair that is wet and not attached to my head freaks me out! Why? Growing up we watched Unsolved Mysteries a lot. I'll never forget a case they did, a young woman was found dead and the only identifying thing on her was a ring made out of hair. Thus started my phobia of hair! At first it was all hair not attached to the head, now its just wet hair not attached. My sister once made a ring out of hair just to torment me! I absolutely hate these times my hair falls out by the handful, especially since it always happens in the shower!

I've had people tell me if I comb/ brush my hair in the shower it won't happen. I always do that and yet every once in a while it's horrible.

Just another reason to hate PCOS!

Sorry if this picture is gross... This was just part from 1 shower!

Looking back

2011-06-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

...it's been nearly 2 months now. Really, that long? Saturday I ran into Sam's PO, who told me she wasn't pregnant.

At times I have felt like an idiot for believing her. I had in the past been e-mailed by 2 or 3 scammers. Ones that were clear as day that I didn't believe for a second. I read others stories about getting scammed. I should of known better.

It didn't matter what Samantha did, I believed her. After reading someones blog I finally was able to look back and see things as they were (signs she wasn't pregnant). This brave blogger is a recovering scammer. She makes me think of Sam (not in a bad way).

I need to add that I've forgiven Sam and I still love and care about her very much.

Signs in our a adoption scam:

1) She put off making a doctors appointment. She said she was waiting to get her medical card.

2) She didn't show for meeting with the attorney with us.

3) Missed, rescheduled and changed plans on doctors appointments.
Her first appointment she rescheduled last minute. She had her best friends funeral that day, which was the truth.
Next she "slept in".
Then she rescheduled because she was out of town.
Lastly, an hour before the appointment she told me she didn't want me to go.
For an ultrasound she didn't show because she "didn't feel good".

4) Counseling: Late one night we texted about her anxiety about the adoption. I mentioned counseling, she said maybe. After taking to her more about it, she changed to No way! And I am very pro-counseling, it's I wonderful thing!

5) All talk, no show: She said she was going to throw me a baby shower, never happened.
She said she had pregnancy pictures done, but never showed me.

Nothing added up:
6) Ultrasound pics- One month into it I had a weird feeling. She'd tell me she had ultrasound pictures, but never showed me. Then she said she didn't have any pics yet. A few hours later she said the cd of pictures was in her friends car.
Another time she unexpectedly had an ultrasound and texted me the pic saying it was from that day, but the date and location on the picture was wrong.

7) She had an amnio done at 10 weeks and had the results a few days later. After looking into it, not possible.

8) Her premature labor: she didn't tell me until the next morning and was home from the hospital. She said she didn't want to bother me during the night and said she was then on strict bed rest. That night I got her dinner and dessert, when I called her to let her know I was coming over (she know I would be) she was out with her boy friend.

There were other things I left out too.

I was too afraid I was going to push for too much and offend her.

Letter to Sam

2011-05-31T00:28:00.001-07:00

This is just a part of my recent letter to Samantha:

"You say you're not important to your kids, I can't speak for Ethan and Avery's parents, but that will
never be true for Emma. I want her to know how important you are in her life. You created her, you grew her inside you and loved her. You decided you wanted what was best for her. I could be a perfect mom to her, but nothing can change the fact that you made her, you gave birth to her and that makes you very important!

I don't know what will happen in the future, but I think to you should write letters (but not send them) to each of to our kids. Maybe even make a journal or notebook for each kid. Tell them how you feel, how you love them, miss them and want what is best for them. Then, someday if they come to you, you can show them the letters and how much you thought about them over the years."

It's weird how much I miss seeing her and taking to her.

Long time, no post

2011-05-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

I feel like a slacker, but our laptop died! Brad was convinced it was the power cord, so we got a new one. 2 days later it officially died!

Our life is pretty boring right now.Waiting for another foster placement and Emma is growing up way too fast.

Foster Care Myths:

2011-05-13T01:24:00.000-07:00

There are many myths and misconceptions about foster care, way too many! I was trying to think of all the myths I have personally heard, but for the life of me I can’t think of them.

In our latest "Foster Roster", our foster care news letter, there was an article and I'll share part of it. One big misconception is "foster parents do it for the money". Ha ha ha, yeah right! With Isaac and Madison we might of broke even! A few fun facts from the article, "You can earn more money running a daycare from your home then doing foster care. The kids go home at night and you get weekends off!" "The Utah legislature cut the reimbursement rate for foster parents by a dollar a day last year."

Recently I read this, “we would like to foster adopt children who don’t have families anymore” Uh, they’re foster kids, NOT orphans! I can tell you from experience; these children still do and always will have biological family who love them! Just with my experience with Emma, I am currently in contact with 9 of Emma’s biological family members! That includes, Sam (her birth mom), her grandparents and her aunts and uncles. I have yet to know of a case that the child is an orphan, no parents and no extended family.

I know some people who think all foster kids are “drug babies”. Now, I can’t really bust that myth personally because each of my foster kids parents have done drugs. When we got Emma she however was not removed on drug related charges. My friend’s foster son was because of alcohol, it’s not always about drugs.

I’m trying to think of ways foster care is portrayed on TV… Usually it’s that foster parents do it for the money and don’t care about the child. I’ve also seen it where the foster parents have TONS of foster kids in their home at once. All I know is our state laws, but our law is a limit to 4 and only 2 under the age of 2 (either foster, adopted or biological). I’ve also seen where foster parents are abusive, which obviously they can be but that’s why DCFS and UFCF has so many rules and laws to attempt to prevent that from happening.

“State agencies may withhold information about a child’s past in order to get that child placed with a family.” I’ve heard this one. Our agency is awesome, the only problems I had with no getting info was a direct problem with a caseworker (the one we had with our first 3, not Emma). Our CPS worker bent over backwards to get us every little thing we asked for or needed (info and document wise). Then when our case went to adoption- (again I just know our state laws) you can look at the child file and all their records at DCFS within 60 days of finalization. Even though I was in contact with Sam and had unlimited information from Samantha, I still wanted to look at Emma’s file to make sure I did have all the info.

‘Isn’t it expensive to adopt, even though foster care?” Nope, not at all. Emma’s adoption was about $850, which we were reimbursed for by DCFS, and then we were reimbursed the full amount again with our taxes!!!! Yep, we banked $850 for adopting Emma!

(more info here and here)

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today was my first, official, Mothers Day. To be honest, I didn't feel special, empowered, honored... It was a pretty regular day at church.

Last night Brad and I went out to dinner, which is always nice without the stinker! Brad gave me my Mothers day gifts, 2 gift cards to a few of my favorite places to eat, just for me!

Sunday: I wasn't all that excited for my first mothers day, like I would be betraying my infertile self if I enjoyed it! I usually dread the talks, which I didn't and I actually loved! The first one was especially good. All 3 mentioned the mother-less. It was nice until Emma got fussy towards the end. I went out in the hall with her. I was still out there when sacrament ended, Brad told me to in because they were handing out the mothers day gifts, I refused to go in. I know, I'm a mom now, but after 6 years of not being one, I still felt that pain. Brad did get me the chocolate and I dropped Emma off at nursery. I taught RS and my lesson went well, which was nice. Picked up Em and she wanted the pen in my hand more than she wanted to see me.

Brad made lunch and dinner, and did the dishes! We both napped while Emma took a nice long nap.

In the past Mothers day was too hard to even call my own mom. Which always resulted badly! One year I was told, "you are my only child who didn't call me! But I guess because your not a mom you didn't really think about it!" Last year (we had Emma, but didn't know it was going to adoption) I got, "I sent everyone a Mothers day card except you, because your not a real mom!" Thankfully I didn't get anything rude this year!

The "real mom"comment reminds me of something that happened the other day... I was putting Emma in her car seat and my neighbors kid came up to me and asked, "Is she your real baby, or fake baby?" Uh, how do you nicely explain adoption to strangers? I was in a hurry and this girl drives me nuts, so I just told her, "She's my real baby!"

All in all, it wasn't a bad day, just didn't hurt but also want special.

Might be a while...

2011-05-07T00:03:00.000-07:00

our laptop has died and even though I can blog from my phone or the wii, it's a pain! So there might not be much postings for a while!

I finally heard from Sam after almost a month! It's always nice to hear from her!

Then the other day while at the store I noticed a little girl who looked like Avery. I commented that to Brad right as I noticed Ethan! Brad asked me if I was sure it was them, Yes! This was the first time I have ever seen them in person! Their adoptive mom doesn't want them to know about Emma yet so I kept my distant. That's also why I don't use their real names. It was still great to see them in person though!

ABC's of Infertility

2011-05-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

(Love this idea!)

A) Age when you started TTC: Me 19 1/2, Brad 23

B) Baby Dancing or Sex: "it" or sex

C) Children wanted: I wanted 7 (yep, 7) when we first started TTC, Brad wanted 3-sh. Then we would be happy with 1, but now that we have Em I want at least 3. We'll see how it goes.

D) Dog/Cat/Fill in Children: We have our dog Maggie who we call our "First baby".

E) Essential oils/ Vitamins/ Snail Oils: Dr. Midwife gives me a hard time for not taking a prenatal, but I suck at remembering to take pills.

F) Fertility meds I've taken: Clomid, Glucophage, Provera, Prometrium, Progesterone.

G) Gain: It has fluctuated between 15 pounds since I got married. Dr. Midwife wants me to loss 15 to 20.

H) HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Never been done. Dr. "not-diagnosed PCOS" talked about doing one, but never did.

I) Infertile Pet Peeves: Too many, mainlu people complaining about their pregnancy or complaining that they had to try forever and how hard it was and it was like 2 months!

J) Job title: Emma's stay-at-home mom. I used to baby-sit and have worked other random jobs for the past 8 years!

K) Kids name you're afraid will be taken by the time you have kids: Payson, our favorite boy name, note that's what we were naming our fake baby (and my cousin named her son Mason, oh well). My mom's name has already been stolen... I'm the third generation of Don/Dawn and we wanted to name a daughter Hannah Donlyn (my mom's name) after I told my sis, she decided to name her daughter's middle name Donlyn! Didn't help she gave birth the day I started fertility drugs for the first time, I can't bring myself to use the name anymore. Still on a quest for a Don/Dawn name.

L) Length of time TTC: 7 years next month

M) Miscarriages: none-ish... LOL. Okay I claim none, but if people be-little the fact that I did have a positive pregnancy test twice and we did fertilize an egg that didn't stick, I claim I did have one!

N) Number of times you've switched OB/GYN's, RE's: 4- Dr. Midwife, Dr. "didn't diagnose PCOS" Dr. "who did diagnose PCOS", and back to Dr. Midwife

O) Ovarian quality: PCOS

P) POAS or wait for AF: Ug, I have POAS more times then I can count, I'm not good at waiting. Although last month I did wait for AF!

Q) Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Too many... I think the one that stings the most, "You don't deserve to have anything because you don't have kids!"

S) Sperm: He is all average to above average!

T) Time tried naturally: From the time we started until I went on fertility was 15 months, but I started meds to regulate my cycles after 9 months.

U) Uterus: No idea! As far as I know, it's fine

V) Vagina: ?, problems, no. Would love it if it didn't get probed so much!

W) What baby stuff do you have already: When doing foster care you need the basics so before we ever had a baby in the house: crib and bedding set, car seat, swing, pack n' play, high chair and lots of clothes.

X) X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?: All our family and friends, who ever reads my blog!

Y) Yearly Exam. Do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?: Because I'm not really doing any fertility treatments, kind of. It's a complicated weird story, I'll leave it at that.

Z) Zits: Thanks to PCOS, horribly so! My husband gives me a hard time because they are not exclusive to my face!

National Foser Care Month Giveaway!

2011-05-04T01:12:00.000-07:00

I am really enjoying National Foster Care month today! We have our FC annual swim party! Yay!

I made this cute bow with the National Foster Care Awareness color, lavender. Even if you have nothing to do with foster care, still enter to win!

How do you win?
1) Leave a comment including your e-mail address, it’s as simple as that!

For additional entries:
2) Follow my blog, leave a comment saying you follow
3) Facebook about this contest, add the link to your status so I can see you really did it.
4) Tweet about this contest, add the link too
5) Blog about this contest, add your blog post link
6) Join my Facebook group
7) E-mail your friends and family about this, e-mail it to me too (maggiemoo2005@gmail.com)

The contest will end 4/23 at midnight. I will select the winner using Random.org and the winner will be notified by e-mail.

Not my intensions…

2011-05-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

I have wrote a lot of things about Sam (and Will) and their families and I just write as I think and feel, I am not so good about filtering my thoughts.

I still love Sam, very much. I think about her all the time. I wonder how she is doing and having gone over 3 weeks without talking to her has been torture!

I don’t mean to make all birth parents look bad. Some are great people, some are bad people. Some are very trust worthy and you can have a very open adoption with and it can be a great thing. Some are bad people who you do need to protect your child from.

I hate when other people say negative things about Sam with Emma around! I do NOT want my daughter growing up hearing that her mom is a bad person. I don’t think Sam is a bad person, I think she had made some mistakes and bad decisions. I don’t know Will so I can’t even had an opinion about him, except all I have heard from Sam and Kay are mostly negative things.

2 months ago I trusted Sam 100%. She was welcome in my home any time. She occasionally even baby-sat Emma. I would drop everything I was doing to go help out. Then things came crashing down. I found out our whole relationship was lies. I’m NOT implying that birth parents are bad people. I’m simply blogging about MY experiences!

Should I sugar coat things and leave out anything bad or negative? “So we just found out Sam isn’t pregnant. But we still trust her 100% because she is such a wonderful person. She created my daughter and gave birth to her and decided to do what was best for Emma and place her for adoption. So that means all positive and greats things being said about her. Investing emotionally and finically into this fake baby has been no big deal. Who cares Sam lied, she’s still GREAT! I’ll let her come over and baby-sit Em again any time, even though she has told me she’s still addicted to drugs, I don’t care!” No, because I don’t feel that way.

Sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes people make mistakes. I am in no way implying birth parents are bad people and shouldn’t be trusted. Just personally, my daughter’s birth parents are emotionally un-healthy.

I thought having an open adoption through foster care and I still do think it can be, a great thing. That is was totally safe because I trusted Sam so much!

AND even after all of crap Sam has put us through, we STILL want to maintain contact with her (and Will) because she did create my daughter and I love her for that (and many other reasons). Even though my daughter’s birth parents aren’t the safest people we still believe it is in Emma’s best interests to know them. My husband and I have both agreed that if Will were ever to contact us and want visits with Emma and pictures and to know how she’s doing, we are open to that. As we are also to these things with Sam.

Before we found out Sam was lying about the pregnancy, I only had positive things to say about Sam and our open adoption. I am still hoping to have a (healthy) open adoption in the future.

Even though I blog how it is, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I do not sit down and tell my daughter bad things about Sam. Well, let’s face it, Emma is only one. Growing up I got some experiences with having a birth father that wasn’t around. I LOVE and appreciate the way my parents handled the situation. I didn’t ask a lot of questions about him. I don’t remember how I found these things out, but I always knew: he was raised LDS, served a mission, he and my mom got married in the temple, but for some reason after their divorce he left the church.

The first memory I have is my mom sitting me down and showing me their wedding pictures. Then at 13 he made contact with me for the first time. My parents sat my sister and I down and explained we had received letters from him in the mail that day. They read the letters first to make sure they were not inappropriate and then gave them to us. I don’t remember much of what he said. It was a few days later that we met for the first time (well, that I remember. He saw me a few times between birth and I don’t know when). My (grand) parents didn’t tell us he was good or bad, they just let us form our own opinions of him.

I thought he was harmless. As we e-mailed back and forth (without my parents supervising the e-mails) I willing shared with him as many details as he wanted. Then one day I got an e-mail from him saying I was his daughter and I was not meant to be with my parents and he was going to take me away. I was smart enough to take to my mom and decided this guy was a creep and I dropped contact.

I came to the conclusion on my own that I did not like the guy. He gave me the creeps and I didn’t like him being around. After I expressed my dis-like for him (I was about 14) my mom shared 1 story with us that were partly negative, but the truth of what kind of person he really was.

I always respected the way my parents stayed neutral about him until I decided for myself I didn’t like him. I tried to regain contact with him a few years ago and my parents supported whatever I wanted to do. It did not go so well and I saw that he really was a horrible, bitter man. I have since then asked my grandma more questions about him and have found out other negative things.

I’d love to know the whole story about my birth father and the things he has done. Unfortunately, my birth mom is deceased and I will never get the whole story.

My point in this story is that I plan on letting Emma form her own opinions of Sam. I am NOT going to sway her either way, but telling her Sam is great and she should trust her or that Sam is bad. I will tell her how much Sam and Will and their families love her. I will let her figure out for herself (but make sure I don’t put her in danger in doing so) how she feels about them and the contact she wants to have with them.

I still love and respect Sam in the way that most (if not all) adoptive parents feel about their child’s birth parents! Even though I am no longer showering her in gifts for all occasions like I used too, I am still making the “brag book pages” that go to Sam’s album I gave her for her birthday. That in addition to keeping her updated on how Emma’s doing and current pictures.

Also I have never used Sam’s name, or posted pictures or posted her letters to me without her permission!

I have edited some post to not share so many details or negative things and I will continue to censer my thoughts on here! Some of my friends (nicely) pointed out that I do need to not post certain things to protect my daughter.

Foster Care 101

2011-05-02T00:31:00.000-07:00

May if National Foster Care Month!

I thought I would answer some questions I am asked often:

#1 Question: How does it work?
A side from mountains of paperwork, background check, home study, and training hours... You tell the Foster Care Foundation what sex and age child you are interested in. If you are strictly looking to adopt a new baby, they will ask you to look into an adoption agency. So for us, we take any sex and the age range is 0-5.

#2) Do you have any say in the children placed in your home?
Once a child comes into care, or is about to, they will call and ask if you are interested in the child. You can ask any questions and get as much info as you want before deciding. I have only said no to one call! Obviously if you are too picky about what you will take they will be less likely to call you about future placements.

#3) Other kids?
A few weeks ago we were at dinner at someone in our ward's house. We've been in this ward for a year, so people don't really know anything about our past foster experiences. I said something about "other kids" and got a weird look. Not all foster kids go to adoption, another thing I have to explain a lot.

#4) Family matters:
One of DCFS's first priority when a child comes into care is "kinship". To see if any of the child's family is interested, willing or able to take that child in. 3 of my 4 foster kids have gone to kinship.

The main priority is reunification, getting that child back to it's birth parents. They are not an cheap and easy adoption agency. They do a lot of work with birth parents to make sure they do everything they can to help reunification happen. Their goal is not to place a baby in the aching-infertile's arms, but to try to keep the original family unit in tack, as long as it is safe.

#5) How long do the kids stay?
When I get asked this I'm always a little baffled as to why people as that. It is not a set thing, "This kid will be in foster care for 6 months and then go back home." Yep, not even close. You NEVER know. When we first started and had Ben my friend, who is adopted through foster care, always told me, "We were told that these 2 girls would be with us (as foster siblings) for 6 weeks, that was all. But, my parents ended up adopting them!" That was one thing I was told when we got Emma, "It might be a week or two, a month or so, or ......, we don't know how long you'll have her." I always though it was funny whenever our CPS worker would pause there at the end, he didn't dare say forever! We had Ben for 3 months, but only because his kinship was out of state. If they had lived in the same state, we would of had him for 1 month.

On the 2 month mark of having Emma in our home I really thought reunification with Sam might happen! She was really working at it and I was nervous. I have never done reunification before, and still haven't. Then a few hours after I thought Sam would get her back our caseworker called to tell me Sam was thinking about relinquishing! Long story short, ya never know!

#6) Is it hard when they leave?
I was an emotional wreck when Ben left. He was my baby, my first, my sweet little tiny baby boy. I remember watching their car drive off and started bawling! We went inside and my cousin was talking about how she went to the movies the night before. Trying to take my mind off Ben, in my sobs I asked her, "What.. (sob, sob, sob) movie... (chocking back tears) did you... (breath) see?" But, that is all a part of foster care. I knew that going in and I was okay with that. It was hard, but I would do it again in a heartbeat!

I'll be honest, the horrible combination of circumstances lead me to not feel even a little bit sad when Isaac and Madison left. I did miss Madison, but nothing like I did Ben. In fact the night before they left I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve! I know, horrible... But we had too many emotionally (and physically) straining things going on all at once! They went to family, whom adopted them so I truly believe they were better off that way.

#7) What are the benefits/ What makes it worth it?
Aside from adopting Emma, the first thing that comes to my mind is Ben. When we got him he was delayed, wasn't thriving, was sick and on and on and on! He eat non-stop the first week we had him! Heck, he eat constantly the whole time we had him. I remember once he just kept eating until he threw up! By the time he left he was happy, healthy, thriving, developmentally when he should be, and 100% perfect. We only had him 3 months. That is why it makes it worth it for me, to physically see how I affected him life!

#8) How long does it take to get a child placed in your home?
Ben- 15 minutes!
Isaac and Madison- 2 1/3 months
Emma- 7 1/2 months
Each one of ours has taken longer and longer. Our next foster child probably hasn't even been conceived yet! LOL, once again you never know! It all depends on what and when children are taken.

#9) Do you know when your next foster kid is coming?
Well, it isn't really a planned thing! You don't get 9 months notice.
With Ben, we found out on a Monday around 4PM and were able to pick him up on Thursday around 4PM. It would of been sooner, but there was a blizzard that kept him from getting to us.
Isaac and Madison, we had right around 24 hours notice.
Emma was our shortest so far... 45 minutes!
I always tell people, I can just randomly show up with a kid one day, I have NO idea when they are coming!

#10) How long until you can adopt a foster kid?
Someone asked me how long it was until Sam decided to relinquish, 2 months. So why was another 4 months until you finalized the adoption? ALL children/ teens being adopted in the state of Utah have to be in the home that is adopting them for 6 months before they can finalize the adoption.

Once the adoption is finalized you can get sealed! All you need is a copy of the adoption decree. Our attorney said if it was urgent we could of gotten a copy that same day.

One of my awesome readers reminded me I forgot #11) how long does it take?

Time #1:
September : We decided to do foster care and called them. The consultant, I think that’s what she’s called, came to our house and talked to us more about it and made sure we really wanted to.

October: We took the training classes

November: We finished and sent in all the paperwork. We didn’t get the paperwork until the classes and then we were out of town for a week so we were slow!

January: Found out everything cleared

February: the beginning of the month we had our home study. We were told the Regional Adoption Committee ”RAC” would call us within a week. After 2 weeks I called them. We met with them at the end of February. That was the final step for us to be approved. 15 minutes after meeting with them we got the call about Ben. 3 days we were able to pick him up!

So from start to finish with a placement, 6 months.

Then we had a three month gap between Ben leaving and Isaac and Madison coming. We had about 3 calls between them, but none of those panned out.

Time #2:
January: We decided and called the Utah Foster Care Foundation. Because we had done it before no consultant came out.

February or March (I can’t remember): We took the training classes. We also sent in our paperwork around this time.

June: Everything cleared and we scheduled a home study. It was either the end of June or sometime in July we had our home study.

August: Again, “RAC” didn’t call us, I eventually went there because they wouldn’t return my calls. We met with them sometime in August.

This time took 8 months!

Then we didn’t get a single call until the end of February, which didn’t happen. Then we got the call on Emma in April. So from when we started until we had a placement was 15 months!

For more info go -here-

National Infertility Survival Day

2011-05-01T15:54:00.000-07:00

National Infertility Survival Day: A Day for Self-Care and Celebration
Coping with Infertility on National Infertility Survival Day
By Rachel Gurevich, About.com Guide, Updated April 26, 2010

Mother's Day isn't easy for those coping with infertility, but now, we have a day of our own - National Infertility Survival Day! National Infertility Survival Day is a relatively new holiday, invented to celebrate all the hard work and effort that infertile couples put towards trying to have a child. The day’s main emphasis is on self-care and celebration for what we do have. It’s also a day for friends and family to help lift the spirits of a loved one coping with infertility.

Just like Mother’s Day, when all the hard work that goes into motherhood is celebrated, on National Infertility Survival Day, we celebrate and honor couples who are desperately trying to become parents.

When is National Infertility Survival Day?
The holiday falls on the first Sunday of the month of May. In 2010, the holiday is celebrated on May 2.

Scheduled for the weekend before Mother’s Day, the holiday's timing is intentional, so it can blunt the sadness and frustration that many women feel as Mother’s Day approaches.

Why National Infertility Survival Day?
“As lovely as Mother’s Day can be for mothers, it can be extremely painful and disheartening for infertile women,” explains Barna. “One can feel terribly left out and ripped off. For me, it tended to be a time when all the disappointment about my situation coalesced around this one day.”

The holiday is also a chance to turn around and bring something positive to what is normally a difficult condition. Often, we focus our energies and thoughts on what we don’t get, or have not received, despite all our efforts. On this day, we honor and celebrate all we have done to try to have a child.

Instead of focusing on our losses, we focus on our strengths.

For Infertility Survivors, How to Celebrate and Spend the Day:
This is a day just for you, and you should celebrate the day however you like!

A few possible ideas:

•Go out to dinner.
•See a movie or a play.
•Buy yourself flowers.
•Get together with friends, either at home or out of town.
•Pamper yourself by visiting a spa, or getting a massage.
•Take the day for some creativity -– messy art, corny poetry, whatever you like!

Some women may feel silly celebrating when they feel they have nothing to celebrate. Our society puts so much emphasis on celebrating after we’ve accomplished a goal. It’s not uncommon for women coping with infertility to feel like failures. But you are not a failure.

With infertility, your accomplishment is the effort you’ve already put towards becoming a parent. You’re celebrating your strength and your efforts. You may not be able to hold these types of accomplishments in your hand, but they are just as real and deserve to be celebrated.

For Partners, Friends, and Family, How to Support Someone with Infertility:
For partners, this is a day for a special gift. Something to brighten her spirits. “Chocolates –- unless she’s on a diet, in which case, jewelry is always good,” suggests Barna. “Perfume! Cards! Candlelight dinner! Wine! Champagne! A poem! A trip!”

For family and friends, assuming the couple has let you in on this private area of their lives, anything to lift the couple’s spirits is great. Bring over some balloons, or send a funny or uplifting e-card. Sometimes just a phone call letting them know you’re there, if they ever want to talk, is nice.

Whatever you might consider doing for their birthday, those kinds of ideas probably fit for National Infertility Survival Day celebration, too.

Make it all Sunshine and Rainbows

2011-04-30T23:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think about taking down my blogs. I get judged and ridiculed because people take the things I say wrong. People don’t know my whole story, then read one post and freak out. Should I edit out all the negative things in my life to make is all Sunshine and Rainbows? No. I don’t sugar coat! I’m going to portray adoption as this perfect, problem free thing, because it isn’t. It is a great, wonderful, miracle, but it isn’t perfect. If it were perfect Birth Parents wouldn’t feel pain, among other things. I blog about the bad and also the wonderful.

I don’t try to “bash” Emma’s birth family. I just write as things are. I love being in contact with Sam’s family and I’d love to get to know Will’s family. Sam has done HORRIBLE things and I’m not going to sugar coat it. I have NOT blogged about some of the bad things she has done to us for a reason. I still love and respect her. Funny how my family and friends judge me for maintain contact with her and the blogger world judges me for saying anything negative about her...

Really???

2011-04-30T00:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight my husband told me (personally, not in general), "The more aroused you are the more likely you are to get pregnant!" Uh, Say what Honey?

I told him, A) I'm NOT ovulating and B) if I was ovulating it is not going to increase our chances at all! If I got no egg to fertilize then how is me being aroused going to help us any??? Ha ha ha, sometimes he really does believe Infertility Myths! Like, Adopt and you'll get pregnant! He seriously thinks at least 1/2 of all couples who adopt end up getting pregnant and naturally at that! Just because it is so common in the media! (ie: The King of Queens and Did you Hear About the Morgan's) One day when he brought it up I asked him, Name one person you know personally that happened to? Brad, "My cousin!" Me, "NO, she did fertility and got pregnant, doesn't count!"

Ahh, I love him, but sometimes all I can do is laugh (or roll my eyes)!

Another funny tidbit of info... Don't ask why because I don't know, but every time we are around our caseworker we had with Emma, Brad and I start disagreeing about something! And it's always something dumb or little, like what day of the week we last talked to Sam! Me: "We talked to Sam last Wednesday." Brad: "No, it was Thursday." Me: "No I remember it was Wednesday because this other things happened." Brad: "No it wasn't! It was on Thursday!" Really, does it matter, no, but every time we're around Caseworker it happens!!!

I just remembered another "myth" I've been told- Get drunk! I don't drink and I'm pretty sure alcoholic doesn't not produce eggs or super sperm! I really was told to get drunk! "You'll relax more and haven't you heard of all the girls that get drunk at prom and end up pregnant!"

Another fun one: It's natures way of telling you you aren't meant to be a mom.
Would you ever go up to someone with terminal cancer and tell them, That's natures way of telling you to die at 38-years-old! Uh no...

In the works, or so we think!

2011-04-29T00:06:00.000-07:00

I made Brad call the attorney’s office because I was too annoyed to deal with them again on the birth certificate matter! Because of the weekend and Brad’s work schedule we finally got around to calling them yesterday.

The secretary that we always deal with wasn’t there. Brad tried to explain it to the other person, who said the secretary would call us back that day. I’ve been dealing with their office for 10 months now and one thing I’ve learned (among many other things) they NEVER call back. Well, I think 2 or 3 times out of 20 they have. We never heard back yesterday.

I had Brad call again today. He said he could tell the secretary knew we were mad! Yeah, who wouldn’t be! She said everything got sent in yesterday! My response, “Yesterday? Why not 6 MONTHS ago!?” Okay, we only finalized 5 ½ months ago, but still! Ahhhh. I told Brad, I’m kind of glad we didn’t adopt the baby because I would not be thrilled about having to deal with this office for yet another adoption! When the next one comes around, I’m finding someone else! Now, other then this, they were great!

-Not sure if anyone cares about what's going on with Sam, but I am anxiously awaiting a response to my letter. Last I heard from her was 3 weeks ago. She said she was moving to the state prison any day, so I opted to wait before writing her again so I wouldn't sent it here in town and she was up North. 2 weeks later I found out she was still in town so I wrote her. That same day she was transferred! She wrote her mom and told her mom to tell me to write her! What? So she couldn't write me herself? Her mom said she thinks I hate her. I don't hate her, in fact I still love her very much.

How much did your baby cost?

2011-04-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

Anyone ever hear, “If you can’t afford to do all the fertility treatments/ IVF then how can you afford a baby?” (Loved this blog post)

So I decided to do the math (FYI it took a LOT of thinking)
2 doctor’s visits while on insurance: $20 a co-pay
Prometrium while on insurance for 5 months: $15
Prometrium without insurance: $70 (times 6 months)
Clomid: $15 (times 5 months)
2 doctors visits without insurance: $100 (ish, I can’t remember)
Ultrasound, I can’t remember if insurance paid or not so I won’t include it

Vitex: $12
Pegesteron cream: $8

-switched doctors
Doctor’s visits: $70, x 10 visits
Birth control: $30, 7 times
Prometrium: $70, 5 times
Clomid: $9 x 3, $18, $27
Ultrasounds (2) : $200 each
Glucophage: $12
Labs: Too many to count!!!! No joke, probably $1,000 or up to $1,500

Next Dr.
1 visit and ultrasound: $800
Provera: $4
Clomid: $18

Current Dr.
1 visit: $160
Progesterone: $20, 2 months so far
Glucophage: $12

Two trips to the ER because of my PCOS/ extremely heavy bleeding: $1,000 each

An additional $50 (times two) in fees and fingerprinting to do Foster Care

(Rough) Grand Total: $6,500

OUCH!!! I’m sure I missed things too, this is an under estimate!

Unprotected Sex: FREE

(and I’ve totally have had people tell me, Well, My kids delivery was X amount! Oh my, IF I ever get pregnant, I’ll have that too on top of the $6,500 trying to get pregnant costs!)

National Infertility Week Giveaway!

2011-04-26T01:01:00.000-07:00

National Infertility Awareness color is blue and pink. I commented to my husband, "Don't you think a different color would be better? One that doesn't remind us we're childless by being baby colors!" He agreed with me, but oh well. It made for a cute bow!

So even if you still don't have kids yet (or just have boys right now), enter to win this really cute bow!!

How do you win?
1) Leave a comment including your e-mail address, it’s as simple as that!

For additional entries:
2) Follow my blog, leave a comment saying you follow
3) Facebook about this contest, add the link to your status so I can see you really did it.
4) Tweet about this contest, add the link too
5) Blog about this contest, add your blog post link
6) Join my Facebook group
7) E-mail your friends and family about this, e-mail it to me too (maggiemoo2005@gmail.com)

The contest will end 4/30 at midnight. I will select the winner using Random.org and the winner will be notified by e-mail.

Infertility Myths:

2011-04-25T02:56:00.000-07:00

Resolve Blog Challenge!

Don’t you hate people’s “advise” on infertility?

I’ll never forget the Sunday an older lady at church leaned over and told me “Go on a cruise and it will happen!” Really?! You know the whole “relax and it will happen”. I always joke that my first month on clomid I not only ovulated, but while we were on vacation! And guess what? No pregnancy!

“Adopt and you’ll get pregnant”. I HATE that one. I remember shortly after we found out we would be adopting Emma all of Brad’s co-workers were telling us that, “You’re going to get pregnant now!” Here I am a year later and still not knocked up! And if I do get pregnant anytime soon it’s the prescriptions that my doctor has me on that did the trick!

“If you are more righteous you will have a baby”. I was at my best friend’s house when her friend texted this to her! I wanted to reach through the phone and punch her! Yes my friend was/ is in-active in the LDS church, but that has nothing to do with conceiving a child! (She’s the one who just had a baby boy! And no, she did not become more righteous!) Hello, What about teenagers and druggies that get pregnant??? If that were true, there would be no children born out of wedlock!

“You are less of a woman if you don’t have kids”. I love that Lady Saw song! I have been treated differently for not having kids! The other day Brad’s brother and his family, along with Brad’s parents came over to visit. As they were leaving we mentioned them not seeing Brad. My SIL said “Well, they only care about seeing Emma!” I almost said “Yeah, because before we had kids they NEVER visited us!” Then last Mother’s Day my mom did her annual chewing me out for not sending a card or calling her on Mother’s Day and adds “I sent everyone, but you, a Mother’s Day card because you’re not a real mom.” I did have Emma at this time, but didn’t know it was going to adoption! This was my second “Fake Mother’s Day”, we also had Ben on Mother’s Day.

"Adoption cures all of the heartache caused by infertility". I have a daughter, whom I love as much (if not more) then I would a biological child. But still there are times when hearing "I'm pregnant!" hurts! There are times I'm sad I never carried my daughter in my womb, or even in my arms until she was almost 5 months old! I love my daughter more then anything, she had made infertility easier, but not completely pain-free.

"Adoption is the easy way to get a baby". Can I tell you how many times I've heard people say, "I have rough pregnancies so I'll just adopt my next one!" Really?!? Adoption is "easy".... have you read our story about Sam and the fake baby? They don't think about the giant cost, the (sometimes) long waits, being chosen and then un-chosen, adoption scams, yeah that's WAY easier then being pregnant for 9 months!

"You're Still Young" Oh, that changes everything, thanks! I'll start worrying about why I can't get pregnant when I'm 40! Considering I started TTC at 19, 21 years of trying is no big deal! LOL

"It will happen when it's supposed!" What does that mean? Do you mean I'm just NOT meant to have kids. If I didn't consider adoption or foster care and I'll just get pregnant when it's supposed to happen, I may never have kids! Some bodies just aren't designed to procreate. How hard is that to understand! It's not magic people!

"Infertility is caused by using birth control" I was told this at 15! I "started" a few months before I turned 12 and always had very heavy and un-regulated cycles. I think it was about a year into starting that I went to the doctor for the first time and got put on birth control to regulate my cycles. It was heaven having nice normal cycles. Then a few years later I was talking to an adult in my ward and mentioned I was on BC. She freaked out and told me if would cause me to be infertile! I immediately stopped taking it! I remember I had to go back on it for a few months when I was 18, but it made me extremely nauseous and I stopped again. After I got married is when my cycles decided that they never wanted to stop and now I have to take some sort of med to force them to stop!

"I think it's your husband" I will never forget the conversation... I had been TTC for about 2 years at this point. I had baby-sat for (someone) the night before. The next day I was invited to join them in taking the kids to the park. On our way there we passed Outback Steakhouse, Brad's favorite restaurant. This person tells me that's where they went while I baby-sat. I commented, "We're going there next either for Brad's birthday or when I get pregnant." They say, "I think it's Brad." At first I was stunned, "Really? You think Brad's birthday will come before I get pregnant!?" They say, "No, I think Brad's the reason why you can't get pregnant." I was extremely hurt! They person knew I had crazy cycles and Brad and I both assumed my cycles were why if wasn't happening. As we later found out it is PCOS. Brad has been checked and everything was average to above average! Not really a myth, but an infertility-hurt and it was not true! I don't believe in pointing fingers as to "who" is to blame for infertility!

“You just go off birth control” Another, “I want to strangle you moments!” We had been TTC for 4 ½ years and had recently had our “almost” pregnancy. (We fertilized an egg, got a BFP, but the egg didn’t develop) It had been 4 months since our positive pregnancy test and although I wasn’t having cycles I was having ovulation pain accompanied with positive ovulation tests. I was excited when a got a positive ovulation test for the 2nd time on my own, no fertility. I joyfully announced it to someone, their remark, “Uggg. Is this the story about when you THOUGHT you were pregnant?” and walked away. A few minutes later she tells me, “You just go off birth control and you get pregnant. Worked 3 times! First month off birth control with all 3 kids!”

“Infertility is all the same”. After I was diagnosed with PCOS I was told by at least 4 different people, “Oh ‘so-in-so' got pregnant by just doing ‘x’! Do that and you’ll get pregnant!” Wow, really? I’ve done ‘x’ a dozen times and have NEVER gotten pregnant! How do people not get that each person is different and not every person can do X to get pregnant!

(Infertility 101)
(National Infertility Awareness Week)

Best Quote EVER!

2011-04-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

I will attempt to make this and then will be giving it away... Stay tuned!
You can see the video that goes with this (here)

I (heart) Adoption

2011-04-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

Brad, my mom and I took Emma to meet the Easter Bunny today. She didn't mind Santa, she didn't love him but didn't cry. The past 2 days she has cried upon seeing the baby turkey I got for Easter and whenever she see's my parents turtle. Brad and I were both predicting tears! I waited in line with Em while my mom returned clothes for Emma that were too big and I sent Brad off to get Emma some water in her sippy cup.

As I waited I overheard some guys that were next to me in line talking. Guy 1 to Guy 2, "Do you just have these 2 girls, or do you have any other kids?" Guy 2, "We just have these two. They are actually adopted." Okay, I'm way interested in their conversation now. Guy 1, "When are you telling them they're adopted? You know some parents don't tell the kids." This was all in front of the girls who looked like 6 and 3 or 4ish. Guy 2, "We've always told them! They know they were adopted and that we choice them and wanted me very much." A minute or so later guy 2, "We got them through Child Haven." That is Nevada's foster care system. I just had to pipe up now. Me to Guy 2, "How old where they when you got them?" I can't remember if he said 2 weeks and 1 month or 1 week and 2 months. I then told him, "We adopted her through foster care too!" He said it took 4 years to finalized their oldest adoption because of problems with the birth parents.

I love, "I heart adoption" kinda days! Even if the event of meeting the Easter bunny resulted like this-

What we've learned

2011-04-22T23:40:00.000-07:00

The past 6 weeks an interesting, learning experience.

Today we met Kay, Sam's mom, for the first time. It was nice to meet her and be able to talk to her. I wanted to get a picture of her and Emma, but she said no, so I respect that. I have some pictures Sam gave me of her and Emma, but the quality of pic is bad.

Brad and I have reflected what we've learned and gone through the past 6 weeks. We wouldn't change any of it, even the horrible stuff. We're both willing to have another open adoption through Foster Care. Now our boundaries are:
1)Social Network friends, share pictures and status updates about the kids
2) Maybe visits at public places, or anywhere but our home
3) Never give them our address

Now if it were an adoption through an agency or private, it might be different. I don't know, I'm not in that situation yet.

Still is J. B.

2011-04-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

2 months post adoption finalization Brad and I asked our attorney about Emma's birth certificate. He said it used to be 6 weeks like clockwork, but they have been taking longer and longer and he told us to wait a while longer and it should come.

I don't remember how long after that I finally called vital records. They said they had NO paperwork to order the new birth certificate!

I went to the attorney's office that day. They claimed they put in their paperwork and the fee, but apparently the court didn't! They contacted the court and they then sent in their end of it.

A few weeks, maybe a month later we got a letter from vital records saying they needed additional info and the fee. They sent a copy of our letter to our attorney. I assumed they would handle it...

4 month post finalization, Brad calls the attorney to cancel all stuff going on with the baby's adoption. He also asked about Em's birth certificate. They said it was all done and we should receive it in the following week!

That was almost 6 weeks ago... I called vital records, again! They said, attorney still hasn't sent in our non-identifying medical info or the fee! Are ya kidding me?

So Emma will remain J. B. longer... I know, she really is Emma, but we still don't have an Emma birth certificate!!!

Uhhhh….

2011-04-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

Just after Sam and I became Myspace friends I got a message and friend request from Sam’s friend “Lee”. She told me she was Sam’s friend and wanted to stay in contact with Jay (Emma). Okay, whatever. After I accepted her friendship she sent me pictures of her and Emma and asked if she could visit her sometime. I thought about it and decided, no, but didn’t respond. I suck at telling people no! I never heard from “Lee” again.

Just an hour ago Brad was in the shower and there was a knock at our door. I open the door and see 2 girls that look between 16 and 18, one of the girls, “Hi I’m Lee. Sam’s friend.” Uhhhh, WHAT? “I wanted to come by and introduce myself to you and to see if I could come by tomorrow and see Jay?” Me, still dumbfounded by this, “HOW do you know where I LIVE?” Lee, “Sam told me. She’s in jail.” Lee sensing my hesitation and anger that Sam told people where I live, “Don’t worry, I’m not in contact with any of Sam’s family.” Yeah, Sam’s family is the least of my worries! In fact I’m meeting Kay, Sam’s mom for the first time in a few days! (FYI, I’m totally nervous about that!)

Brad and I are both annoyed that Sam has told people where we live!!!

Ahhh, I did NOT see anything like this ever happening. I have looked into getting a PO Box, but it would cost $ to have one just for Sam. I've also thought about just lying and telling Sam we have moved so stuff like this never happens again! I could of lied and told "Lee" she had the wrong apartment, but we are MySpace friends so she's seen my profile picture.

Will I ever do an open adoption through foster care again? YES
Will I have it as open as Sam and I’s? Never! I think I will stick to “social network” friends with pics and stuff, but nothing like Sam got!

Facebook (or MySpace) Friends

2011-04-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

I’ve mentioned it a few times before about Sam and I’s Facebook friendship. After all the chaos, I started Emma’s own Facebook account. It’s strictly about Emma, no info about us, not our last name, no links to our blogs, just statues about what Emma’s up to and pictures of her.

So how does one decide to be Facebook friends with their children’s birth families? My motivation was to keep contact with Sam. She is transient and having a physical address would only be useful for a month or so. Same with having a cell phone number, she just uses her friends. She doesn’t always have internet where she’s staying, but she will eventually get my messages and can see pictures of Em at her leisure.

We decided to become Facebook (and Myspace) friends at our final visit. So it was pretty much right away.

What's new with you?

2011-04-14T23:54:00.001-07:00

Month #2 on Pegesterone- Still not loving it… My cycle (and cramps) have been better than last month. We’ll see how it goes. I’m still 99% sure I’m going to switch to Provera though. I have discovered that I can take 3 ½ pills of glucophage no problem. 1 whole pill= nausea (bad)! My in-laws were over and I had to turn off my Scentsy because the smell (which was awesome) made me wanna puke! I don’t know if 3 ½ pills a day will do much, but that is all my body can take. Yesterday I asked Brad, “Has there ever been a time in the past 2 to 3 years that I have not wanted a hysterectomy? Because I still do!”

In case anyone was wondering, because of my medications and my “regular” cycle and my predicted ovulation date… Nope, I am NOT pregnant. Dang, I was just a little hopeful about it. But I did not expect it to happen at all. I’m not sad about it or anything, I just want another kid and I don’t care if it’s biological or foster or adopted, I want just want another one…

Haven’t heard from Sam in a week. She was supposed to go to prison so I was waiting to write her back. Maybe I’ll call the jail tomorrow and see what’s going on, where she is at and all.

Oh, how could I forget!... Yesterday we were at the store and my phone rang. 98% of the time it is a sale's men or some junk call I never answer. I looked at my phone "caseworker"! What!?! (an excited, yay we get to talk, what) She called to see how things were going and if we had Sam's new baby. I gave her the short version, then we talked about Emma. We ended up going to her office to visit her right after that. It has been since right after we finalized since we have seen her! I really do miss seeing and talking to her all the time! Emma, who has never once wanted caseworker to hold her, of course wanted her as we were leaving! Em's funny like that!

I can not wait to get another placement. I don't even care if it doesn't go to adoption. In fact, Brad would be thrilled if it didn't! I joked with him the other day saying how crazy it would be if I got pregnant. He said, "Oh great! Here we go again!" I asked, "What do you mean? I've never been actually pregnant!" He meant having another baby! Emma loves playing with other kids and I love doing foster care, it's a win win! I've been "waiting" for over a month now! Considering we were waiting for 7 months for Emma I'm not expecting anything anytime soon!

Pre- National Infertility Week Giveaway!

2011-04-12T02:55:00.000-07:00

I have another fun giveaway for the actual National Infertility Week as well as participating in the Resolve Blog Challenge! (that post will come up on 4/24), but for now...

Here is what I’m giving away:
New Hope for Couples with Infertility Problems: Your Friendly, Authoritative Guide to the Latest in Traditional and Complementary Solutions

I have read this book, the first book I ever go on infertility. It's more of a "beginners guide" so if you have done any fertility treatments then this might be a little boring. But, still great if you are new to infertility or for a friend who is new to the whole thing! It's a great book!

How do you win?
1) Leave a comment including your e-mail address, it’s as simple as that!

For additional entries:
2) Follow my blog, leave a comment saying you follow
3) Facebook about this contest, add the link to your status so I can see you really did it.
4) Tweet about this contest, add the link too
5) Blog about this contest, add your blog post link
6) Join my Facebook group
7) E-mail your friends and family about this, e-mail it to me too (maggiemoo2005@gmail.com)

The contest will end 4/23 at midnight. I will select the winner using Random.org and the winner will be notified by e-mail.

Bitterness to Hope and Healing

2011-04-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

I was recently Facebook friend by a couple struggling with infertility. A little while later I got a message from the husband with a question in it. I thought I would take the time to do a post for them.

Do I think it is a doctor’s fault if one never gets pregnant? No. Well, not unless your doctor is doing something wrong and purposely or accidentally inhibiting you from getting pregnant. If a doctor does everything they can to help you then you should not hold hard feelings for that doctor!

If you never get chosen by a birth mom through LDS Family Service, should you be mad at them? No. It is not their fault either. Unless they take down your online profile and refuse to show your profile to expecting parents, then it is not their fault.

For some reason Heavenly Father has other plans for you. I encourage you to take it up with him. Ask the one person in charge what he wants you to do. Maybe you are meant to keep waiting a little while longer through LDSFS, maybe you need to try one more round of fertility drugs, and maybe you need to try foster care. I have heard of couples that decided to just be childless in this life. No one but you and Heavenly Father can decide or figure out what is best for your family. Do not be bitter or angry at anyone, the doctors, LDSFS, or Heavenly Father.

I think that every infertile couple has their moments that they might be angry. I know for me that was a very short period. There were moments off and on, this was just one experience: I remember the day we found out we would not be getting a little boy through foster care that we wanted. I was angry at God that day, it only lasted that one day though. Here is this 2 year old little boy that I would love and take very good care of, why can’t I have him when no one else wants him? Because he was not meant to be my son!

I personally don't think harboring the feelings of bitterness about infertility (or anything) is healthy. Wither you are mad the doctors or LDSFS, it is not healthy. I know from other experiences, not my infertility struggle, how hard it is to let go of these feelings sometimes. You feel that this person (or trial) has hurt you so deeply that they deserve that you feel angry at them. Once I started working on forgiveness it was like a weight had been lifted. You feel lighter, happier, at peace, like life will go on and it's not so bad!

Wither your trial is infertility, death of a loved one, abuse or something else; we all go through the stages of grief:
Shock & Denial
Pain & Guilt
Anger & Bargaining
Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
The Upward Turn
Reconstruction & Work Through
Acceptance & Hope

“Bitterness seems all too normal for someone who feels he or she has been treated unjustly, dishonestly, or wrongfully. Moreover, for those who didn’t want a divorce (or whatever trial they are going through), it seems that paradise is lost and that good feelings can never return. But going on to a new future seems impossible for those wrestling with an unchangeable past…

“But how do I do it? How do I put away feelings that I didn’t ask for in the first place, emotions that I feel so strongly?” many ask. First, we must reconsider our view of where bad feelings come from. Bitterness, and feelings like it, cannot develop into a lasting attitude unless we cultivate these feelings. In clinging to bitterness, we blind ourselves to the fact that we are doing just that…

“When we harden our hearts, gospel counsel looks unrealistic or impossible. But when we soften our hearts, amazingly, we begin to ask different questions of ourselves and allow the Lord to comfort us in our search for peace…Even Enoch had to learn that to refuse to be comforted is to consciously spurn the comfort of God. Enoch’s refusal to be comforted and his bitterness of soul went hand in hand. Yet the Lord did not abandon him…

“Coming unto Christ requires becoming meek and lowly in heart as he is. When we are meek and lowly of heart, we experience spiritual peace. Even if we progress toward this peace only gradually, line upon line, day by day, we are slowly succeeding in our search for personal peace… We can relinquish our bitterness, but only through the Lord. As we soften our hearts, we accept his offer of comfort and find rest unto our souls.”
(Freedom from bitterness, Terrance D. Olson, Aug. 1991)

As I searched on LDS.org for “bitterness” they also suggested forgiveness, adversity, atonement. Take the time to search these topics and try to find peace and healing instead of bitterness.

Some random thoughts:

2011-04-11T00:28:00.000-07:00

Ever since Thursday (the one year mark since Emma came into our home) I have though a lot about her and how much joy she had brought into our lives. I couldn’t imagine not having her. Then an interesting thing happened at church…

Back when we got Emma we had our CPS worker for a few weeks, but when he removed Emma from where she was at and brought her to us there was another CPS working with him, “Brother M”. As it turns our Brother M is a High Councilmen in our stake! I’ve seen Brother M at our ward building a few times, but never had a chance to talk to him. Then today he was at our ward, sitting right behind us. Throughout Sacrament meeting Emma would look back at him and smile and wave hi. I kept thinking, she had no idea that that man helped bring her into our home! After Sacrament meeting Brother M started talking to us, not realizing who we were. Then I mentioned to him that he brought her to our house! We talked about how things turned out with the case and how well she is doing. Emma has a thing for men so she reached out and wanted him to hold her. He happily picked her up. We went off to Sunday School and Brother M sat next to us. There were a few times that Emma went over to him and wanted to sit on his lap. As I looked over and saw Emma sitting on Brother M’s lap it almost made me cry. He brought her to our house! He was there when I saw her for the first time.

There were a lot of people involved on Emma’s case and all of which I have been grateful for. It was just ironic that as we celebrated her one year of being with us we got to see and be around this CPS worker that brought Emma to us.

Tonight as Brad and I went to bed, obviously I can’t sleep, we started talking about Sam and Will. I’m tired of people telling me what to do about Samantha. “Cut her off, never have contact with her again!” is not advise I am taking. Brad has agreed with me 100% about how I feel about everything. Tonight he kept saying, “Sam isn’t a bad person, she just makes really bad decisions!” it to totally true. It is just hard because only I know her the way I know her and know everything and feel the way I do, so I can’t expect others who think she is scum to feel like I do!

Then we got on the subject of Will. We have never met him, have never had any contact with him, nothing! I have thought about contacting him (via mail) for a while. I’ve been on the fence about it. As Brad and I talked he agreed that maybe we should contact Will and maybe get to know him better for Emma. I’m not going to run out and write him right this second, but it will be a work in progress.

It's official...

2011-04-09T23:20:00.000-07:00

I don't like progesterone! Or Glucophage! Or having PCOS! I'm still rooting for a hysterectomy!

I've had so many people tell me, none of which have been through my PCOS, I don't want that, that it would make me feel worse... I currently have to take 3 pills a day, that make me nauseous. Then for 10 out of 25 days I have to take 2 more pills that make me gag and then give me cramps! Then I get to endure 5 blissful days of Heavy bleeding (along with horrible cramps) where I feel like I'm going to die and I remind myself, I get to go through this again in 25 days!!!! Yay!

I am enduring the progesterone for as long as I have a prescription, I'm on month 2 of 4. Once I go to my doctor again I'm requesting something else! I loved Provera, but she (Dr. Midwife) thought I would do better on progesterone. I'm not, I'm miserable here!

Someone I know was having similar problems with their cycles as me. They didn't have PCOS, but just horrible, uncontrollable cycles. No one in this flippin town would give her a hysterectomy. She has 4 kids and is done, but no, we live in Utah so being voluntarily barren is unspeakable! She moved out of state and told me her doctor didn't even hesitate to do a hysterectomy. I told Brad, that's it we're moving out of Utah just to get that done!

1 year ago today!

2011-04-07T13:15:00.000-07:00

1 year, it's been 1 year since Emma has been in our home! I can't believe how much she has changed and how things turned out. You never know when you get that call about a foster child. Will you have it a week, a month, 3 months, or forever?

The first time I ever saw her was when our CPS worker brought her into our house, she was asleep in her car seat. I was baby-sitting and my friend came over to help me get adjusted to the new baby. We all stood around just looking at her until she woke up. I took her out, she smelled like drugs (which I just recently found out Sam was using back then, but denied it at the time). The kids's I was watching mom got there to pick them up. The kids wanted to hold her, we passed her around. After the kids left my friend and I decided to give her a bath. I'll never forget the look on Brad's face the first time he saw her, then asked to hold her! We went to a pizza place for dinner, she slept though most of it. We went to the same place to eat to celebrate her court finalization!

Look how little she was:

She could: hold her head up, burp and spit up really well! LOL Now she walks, talks and is our crazy monster!

Sometimes you wonder WHY?

2011-04-05T22:37:00.000-07:00

I can’t seem to fall sleep and I need to get up in 5 hours, I hate when that happens!

While I couldn’t sleep I was looking online and my cousin’s facebook status is a quote from conference. It got me thinking and that didn’t help my try to fall asleep at all! So here are my thoughts:

7 years ago I was blissfully engaged. I didn’t know exactly how our lives were going to turn out or where we’d be living, but I pictured us owning a home and having roughly 3 kids by now. Instead we are renting because we lost our home when the economy crapped out and my husband lost his job (no worries, that was 2 ½ years ago). Instead of 3 kids, we have 1 beautiful, sweet, crazy daughter! For so long I wondered WHY, why did we have to struggle with infertility, why did we have to go through this? Hadn’t I been through enough in my life already? Why does it have to be so painful to hear other people announce they are pregnant? Why does it have to make me so uncomfortable just to hear conversations about pregnancy? Then why after already so much, did we have to endure the horrible events with Sam? (Which we just got some new news that will not be blogged about, but she might be doing more prison time because of something else she did to us!)

My cousin’s Facebook status: “Thank you Mr. Gardner for loving me enough to cut me down.”

I LOVED this talk. This talk and ones like it always remind me that God does know what he is doing, even if it seems to suck for us, there is a reason. Without our infertility we wouldn’t have our Emma. I mean, yes we would have biological children whom I would obviously love, but I could not imagine not having our Emma. I could not possibly love her more than I do, even when she does drive me crazy! Without our “fake baby” our foster care file would currently be closed for placements. Now, we haven’t gotten a call about a child yet, but eventually we will. If we had not been planning on that baby coming right now we would not be emotionally or physically ready for another child. But, we are! We are ready and anxious for another little one now. Our plan before the baby ever existed; wait until we had finalized Emma’s adoption for a year before opening for placements… A whole year, that’s 7 months from now. Any foster child we get before then will come to us because of Sam’s lies! What if we were meant to adopt another foster child, but it was to come before November 2011? (I’m not saying it will, just a “what if”) How would Heavenly Father get that child to us if we were not ready? By causing a little pain to make us ready!?! There is a reason and purpose for all things. Something, okay, a lot of the time, we don’t know Why. We just have to trust that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing and just go with it!

By Elder Hugh B. Brown, January 1973 New Era: “I was living up in Canada. I had purchased a farm. It was run-down. I went out one morning and saw a currant bush. It had grown up over six feet (two meters) high. It was going all to wood. There were no blossoms and no currants. I was raised on a fruit farm in Salt Lake before we went to Canada, and I knew what ought to happen to that currant bush. So I got some pruning shears and clipped it back until there was nothing left but stumps. It was just coming daylight, and I thought I saw on top of each of these little stumps what appeared to be a tear, and I thought the currant bush was crying. I was kind of simpleminded (and I haven’t entirely gotten over it), and I looked at it and smiled and said, “What are you crying about?” You know, I thought I heard that currant bush say this: “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as big as the shade tree and the fruit tree that are inside the fence, and now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me because I didn’t make what I should have made. How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.” That’s what I thought I heard the currant bush say, and I thought it so much that I answered. I said, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down. Thank you, Mr. Gardener.’”

Years passed, and I found myself in England. I was in command of a cavalry unit in the Canadian army. I held the rank of field officer in the British Canadian army. I was proud of my position. And there was an opportunity for me to become a general. I had taken all the examinations. I had the seniority. The one man between me and the office of general in the British army became a casualty, and I received a telegram from London. It said: “Be in my office tomorrow morning at 10:00,” signed by General Turner. I went up to London. I walked smartly into the office of the general, and I saluted him smartly, and he gave me the same kind of a salute a senior officer usually gives—a sort of “Get out of the way, worm!” He said, “Sit down, Brown.” Then he said, “I’m sorry I cannot make the appointment. You are entitled to it. You have passed all the examinations. You have the seniority. You’ve been a good officer, but I can’t make the appointment. You are to return to Canada and become a training officer and a transport officer.” That for which I had been hoping and praying for 10 years suddenly slipped out of my fingers. Then he went into the other room to answer the telephone, and on his desk, I saw my personal history sheet. Right across the bottom of it was written, “THIS MAN IS A MORMON.” We were not very well liked in those days. When I saw that, I knew why I had not been appointed. He came back and said, “That’s all, Brown.” I saluted him again, but not quite as smartly, and went out.

I got on the train and started back to my town, 120 miles (190 kilometers) away, with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. And every click of the wheels on the rails seemed to say, “You are a failure.” When I got to my tent, I was so bitter that I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, “How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?” I was as bitter as gall. And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, “I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.” The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness and my bitterness. While kneeling there I heard a song being sung in an adjoining tent. A number of Mormon boys met regularly every Tuesday night. I usually met with them. We would sit on the floor and have Mutual.

As I was kneeling there, praying for forgiveness, I heard their singing: But if, by a still, small voice he calls To paths that I do not know, I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine: I’ll go where you want me to go. (Hymns, number 270)

I arose from my knees a humble man. And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to Him and say, “Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.” I see now that it was wise that I should not become a general at that time, because if I had I would have been senior officer of all western Canada, with a lifelong, handsome salary, a place to live, and a pension, but I would have raised my six daughters and two sons in army barracks. They would no doubt have married out of the Church, and I think I would not have amounted to anything. I haven’t amounted to very much as it is, but I have done better than I would have done if the Lord had let me go the way I wanted to go. Many of you are going to have very difficult experiences: disappointment, heartbreak, bereavement, defeat. You are going to be tested and tried. I just want you to know that if you don’t get what you think you ought to get, remember, God is the gardener here. He knows what He wants you to be. Submit yourselves to His will. Be worthy of His blessings, and you will get His blessings.”

I Understand…

2011-04-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

Way back in August a crazy thing happened. At the time I was baby-sitting my friend Britt’s little boy K. We met in foster care training and we went through a lot of infertility crap together. A few days after Sam told us she was pregnant (we hadn’t told anyone yet) Britt came over to pick up K and she told me she was pregnant! “Sam is too!” She was the first person I told that Sam was pregnant and that Sam had decided to place the baby with us. Our babies were due 2 weeks apart, BOTH were boys and the names we picked out for our boys were 1 letter different- ours started with a P and theirs starts with a T.

I don’t know about any of you, but there are some people that just made infertility harder. Either they don’t know you are struggling, their insensitive, rude and what not. Then there’s people who have also struggled and are amazing and you don’t feel any jealousy for them when they have a baby. It was like that with Britt, she got it and was always careful and mindful of us hurting. She had a baby shower a few days after we found out Sam was lying. I was planning on going, but totally forgot. When I texted her to say I was sorry I forgot, she said she didn’t expect me to come because the baby hurt was so fresh and then coming to a baby shower!

Well, last week Britt had her beautiful baby boy! I have been so excited to see him and hold him. Last night Britt texted me, “You guys can come meet T anytime. But I completely understand if you aren’t ready, I know how hard it is to be around babies after you lose one.” Don’t you wish EVERYONE said stuff like that?! As I told Brad about Britt’s text he said, “Sometimes just acknowledging it like that makes all the difference!”

We have also experienced the opposite of Britt’s reaction. A few days after our miscarriage someone (who will remain anonymous) announced they were pregnant. I think that was the hardest I ever cried upon hearing someone’s announcement. Their baby was due about a month before our miscarriage was due. Their whole entire pregnancy was rough (on me). Of course the second the baby was born my husband wanted to go see it! While I was holding the baby I said to Brad, “I need to get a job and work my butt off so we can save up and adopt!” The mom of the baby said, “Oh I’m sorry. I’ve felt so bad that you guys have struggled and I just had another kid with no problem.” I kept thinking, you know, you could have voiced that throughout your pregnancy. It would be nice if people started announcing they were pregnant like this, I know it is hard for you because you have been struggling and its okay if you aren’t even happy for us because it hurts so much but I’m pregnant. Then to make matters worse, this person blessed their baby on our baby’s due date! Yeah, talk about emotional wreck at that kids blessing! If it was up to me, I would have skipped it.

I think sometimes people just don’t know what to say, so they say nothing at all. That doesn’t help.

Just the Same

2011-04-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes—
God sends rain
Straight from the sky
To nourish the young flower
and it grows.

Sometimes—
God sends rain from the sky
To the mountaintops,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the flower
and it grows, just the same.

Sometimes—
God sends a child
Straight from His realm
Into a mother’s arms
and love grows.

Sometimes—
God sends a child
From heaven to another’s arms,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until he reaches the arms of his mother
and love grows, just the same.

- Diana Lynn Lacey

Guest Post by Megan

2011-04-02T13:27:00.000-07:00

My next guest post is by Megan-

2007 was a horrible, terrible, no good year. Well, except for the fact that my handsome son was born and I didn’t die. That pretty much sums up the year. After a pregnancy plagued by a rare neurological disorder brought on by high levels of progesterone, we were sternly warned to never attempt another pregnancy. They needn’t have said a single thing to us; one was more than enough. Our extended family had been blessed by adoption several times and we knew before John Henry was ever born that our future children would come to us through adoption.

We began filling out our mountains of paperwork before John Henry was a year old. We were approved to adopt in January of 2009. We knew that the average waiting time for a domestic adoption was a little over two years. We also knew that couples who were proactive in their adoption efforts often decreased that wait significantly. I have an MBA with an emphasis in social marketing. We learned everything we could about domestic adoption and I threw the full force of my education and experience into promoting our desire to adopt.

One of the things that couples looking to adopt domestically are rarely told is that most of them will go through at least one failed adoption. Laws in this country protect the rights of the birth parents (as they should) to parent their child until after the birth of the baby, depending on the state, for as long as six months. (Three to seven days is a more common waiting time before a birth parent can sign relinquishment papers.)

Lincoln, my husband, and I are just over achievers, I guess. In 2009 we suffered through four failed adoptions. In November of 2009 we pulled our all of profiles down. We weren’t giving up, but we were heart broken. We needed some healing time.

I believe that God often lets us get to that broken hearted stage so that we will truly recognize and appreciate a miracle when he sends it to us.

In December of 2009 I got a call from our agency. I didn’t respond right away because I though they were only calling to tell us that we needed to renew our home study. I didn’t want to think about that right then. A few days later I got several phone messages and an urgent email from our case worker to “Call her right away!” I finally did.

Because we had matched the very specific requirements of a potential birth mother they had sent our profile to her. She wanted to talk to us, and more so, she wanted to place with us! WHAT? We were so excited, and yet so afraid to open our hearts once again.

I talked to Lisa* on the phone for the fist time a week or so later. It was if we were long lost friends. Her story was heart breaking and I mourned with her. We spent the next several weeks getting to know her through email and over the phone.

In February I flew to Alaska several days before Lisa was scheduled to be induced. Those were precious days for me. The day I first saw Lisa in person there was no awkwardness, we hugged as if we had known each other our whole lives and fell into the happy and comfortable conversation of old friends. Lincoln and I spent the entire day in the hospital with Lisa the day she was induced. It was a slow and painful labor and we did what we could to make her more comfortable. Finally, more than 12 hours after her initial induction, they gave her an epidural and things moved fast from there. Leo was born late at night. I was with Lisa as she delivered. I cut the umbilical cord. It was the most miraculous experience of my life. I cried as they handed this precious baby who would bond two mothers together for life to Lisa. She held him, I kissed her and told her how amazing she was, and then she handed him to the nurse and I was torn. Should I go with the baby or should I stay with Lisa? As a true mother, Lisa told me what to do. I called Lincoln to come into the room. We assisted as the nurse cleaned, measured and swaddled our new born son.

The next few days were a whirlwind of emotions. If you were under the impression that a person can only feel one emotion at at time, let me assure you that you are wrong. I was flooded by every emotion known to man, often hitting me in waves, one after another without respite. But in the chaos of feelings swirling around the adults, the perfect calm of a sweet new baby anchored us and we moved forward.

Lincoln had to return to Washington to our older son and to his job. I stayed behind in Alaska waiting for clearance to leave the state and for an opening on a flight back to the lower 48. Lisa and I spent at least part of every day together. We took turns holding our precious boy, kissing him, feeding him, smelling him.

Some might think this would have been difficult for Lisa, spending so much time with the child she had carried, nurtured, and given birth too, but would not be parenting. I’m sure it wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, but she cherished the ime to tell him how much she loved him and to say goodbye. Like many birth mothers, Lisa is an amazingly strong woman.

Some might thing this would have been difficult for me, ‘allowing’ Leo’s birth mother to spend so much time with him, to cuddle him, to bond with him. Some might assume I would feel threatened or anxious that she would change her mind. They would be wrong. I would not have had it any other way.

Lisa and I share the bond of motherhood, each of us giving our son something that the other could not. We both love him fiercely, and each of us have and will continue to make great sacrifices to ensure he is given the very best we can give him.

Leo is now a year old. We talk to Lisa several times each month. We are friends on facebook. I send her pictures, she sends Leo presents! She watches Leo grow and shares in the journey. I get support from her as I parent, someone to ask about medical concerns, and best of all, the knowledge that Leo will know his birth mama and know how much he is loved by both of us.

Adoption is a miracle. Open adoption is a living miracle. It takes work. It takes strength. It’s rewards are infinite.

To learn more about adoption visit my blog: adoptionfyi.blogspot.com

*not her real name.

Truth

2011-04-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday after getting Sam’s letter I thought a lot about it/ her. She will be leaving for prison as soon as Thursday (the prison is about 4 to 5 hours away) and our jail only has visits on Saturday morning. So, this would be the last chance to visit her for up to a year and ½. She doesn’t know how long she’ll be in for yet, 3 to 9 months before she can parole, but she wants to just stick it out and not go on parole so probably a year to 1 ½. I decided that I would go and see her today.

I was anxious to see what she had to say and how it would go. Our jail only has 7 visitation times and only 4 people per time, the later you go the busy it is. I’ve learned that the first time is the best to go. I got there 20 minutes early, because even then sometimes it’s already filled. I don’t do well when I’m anxious and to make things worse, the visit time was pushed back by an 30 minutes! We eventually went in.

Sam didn’t expect us to come see her. I have had so many thoughts and questions that I wanted to say in person. Writing one tiny postcard is hard to pack everything in, I know, write more then one, but they are .30 cents each so I use them sparingly.

I asked her to tell me the 100% true story about her pregnancy, so here it is: She claims she really was pregnant, found out the day she told me and the first 3 months were all the truth. She had an amnio, it was a boy, however, what she didn’t tell me back then, she was doing drugs! She said she thinks it was a combo of the drug use and stress about being in jail caused her to have a miscarriage. She said it happened around Nov. 17, she started bleeding bad and they took her to the hospital.

We talked about her drug use. I asked her why she not only lied about being pregnant, but came up with such other crazy details (like her fake premature labor). She said “I came up with some crazy stuff when I was high!” I was kind of annoyed with some things that came out, but I told her “All I care about is you are being HONEST with me!”

We will continue writing and see how things go.

Another letter...

2011-04-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those times that you just have no idea what to say to someone? I’m sure she doesn’t expect anything or much of a response back from me, but I’m still stumped…

I got a FB message from Sam’s step-mom. Being in contact with Emma’s birth families is awesome, cool, weird, and crazy at times. Today I told Brad “BOTH of Emma’s birth parents are (going to be) in prison. Not just jail, Prison!” Its nuts I tell ya.

After getting Sam’s letter today I’ve realized how okay I am with everything that has gone on. If I do cry it is not because I feel hurt or angry, it feeling the loss of a baby. Wanting so badly to have another little one. I feel greedy saying that. I have one beautiful daughter that I could not love any more then I do, but I want more!

You know the saying “I wish I knew then what I know now!” That is what comes to mind after reading Sam’s step-mom’s message to me. She tells me about how Sam lies all the time and about things that have no reason to be lies. Dang, wish I knew this like a year ago! Still, I don’t regret anything. I’m a perfectionist, especially when it comes to writing people, so I’m trying to sort my thoughts and write Sam’s step-mom back…

April 1st, how I dis-like you!

2011-04-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

Oh how I have been dreading today… Well, I used to be so excited and anxious for today. Sam was supposed to have the baby today. But instead my day has gone like this:

Can’t stop thinking about the ironing of the fact that I got pregnant on April 1, 3 years ago. Then as my medications and cycle would have it, my predicted ovulation date is TODAY, April 1. I’m not doing ovulation tests because it stressed me out to know and gets my hopes up. Plus I should be holding my newborn baby today, but I’m not!

Then someone who is pregnant came over. I just kept thinking A) don’t mention your pregnancy and B) don’t mention Sam’s non-pregnant! Thank Heavens, her pregnancy didn’t come up and I was the one to mention Sam like “That rooms a mess because all of Sam’s belongings are in there!” Then they wanted to see everything I’ve made with my Silhouette and my “baby's name” sign was one of my projects. So all and all, not too painful of a visit!

The icing on the cake… got a letter from Sam!
“Well I got sentenced to prison today. I’m actually at peace with. It’s better then doing a year at this county jail. At the prison I’m going to do the drug program and got on some regulated meds. I don’t know the address to the prison if you decide to write me. I should be leaving next week… I hope you are all safe, happy, healthy. My prayers are with you. Thank you for everything. I DO love you guys SO much and I miss you even more. God bless you all. Sam”

She also wrote a note just to Emma. I can’t read it without crying! All I can think is no matter how Sam and I’s relationship ends up, at least Emma will have this note from Sam saying how much she loves her. As crazy as things have been with Sam I keep thinking, at least Sam has done more than my birth father ever did to show or say he loved me! (Well, he did nothing so it’s not hard to beat).

On a happier note: It is beautiful outside so Emma and I will be going to the park just before Brad gets off work!

Can I have a hysterectomy yet???

2011-04-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

Today as I was going into the pharmacy to pick up my progesterone I thought, “I honestly WANT a hysterectomy!” I know, I complain too much about it! My two options are: no medication which will cause bleeding like crazy. Or glucophage which makes me super nauseous 24/7! I don’t like either of those options!!! PCOS, you are the root of all evil!

On the upper side of things: Our computer got fixed up and it’s like a brand new computer! And my daughter is extremely cute (when she’s not throwing a fit!) I am grateful for my daughter and I’m 100% okay with adopting all my kids. I keep thinking, I’m not trying to get pregnant, so why am I putting my body through this??? Cuz, my doctor told me too!?

2011-03-31T13:21:00.000-07:00

Does it ever end?

2011-03-31T05:38:00.000-07:00

When we first found out there was no baby Brad kept saying, “We’re going to be explaining this for a LONG time!” It has been 3 weeks now and although most people know, it still feels like it is dragging on every time someone doesn’t know.

Right after we found out I ran into someone from our ward who of course asked me about the baby. No one knew at that point, not even our families. I didn’t really tell her much other then we weren’t getting the baby. Wednesday night she asked me about it again… How else do I explain it? I still didn’t really tell her anything. Sorry if you ask me about it and I’m just not in the mood to share!

Then of course 15 minutes after she asked our Stake Relief Society President came up to me and asked about the baby too! I just told her, “No, we’re not adopting another baby.” It was however, the first time I was not bombarded with questions! Nope, not a single question as to why! It was heaven!

Later I realized, well duh she didn’t ask questions… Her daughter does foster care and she knows we do foster care and she totally gets confidentiality and stuff like this! Since realizing that it has put my mind in spiral thinking about confidentiality in foster care, or should I say people’s lack of respect of our confidentiality! I don’t remember it being so bad with Ben, Isaac and Madison, but with Emma, we could not pay people to stop asking questions!

It really bugged me when before we ever got a placement we told people, we cannot tell you anything once we do get a kid. Then their first reaction to the announcement that we got a placement (on my Facebook wall might I add) “Details, details, details!” Then when told in person we can’t share details they denied saying such a thing on Facebook! Oh well, not the end of the world, it just bugs me when people think my foster kids’ life is an open book! They just don’t get, “I don’t care if you are my family… I still cannot tell you!”

With Emma we got a lot of: Why was she taken? Does the mom do drugs? What kind of drugs does she do? What’s the mom’s name? Does Jay have any siblings? What are their names? Where does the mom live? What about the dad? And many, many more!

I’ve decided with any future placements, I not even going to tell my husband the details because A) he has a big mouth and B) he’s a push over, ask more than once and he’ll spill the beans! Well, that is unless I’m with him and I enforce “No, we can NOT talk about it!”

I’ve heard that people asking such questions about a foster child is like us asking them about their sex life. Honestly my response to any questions I get with future foster kids, “So, what position where you in when you conceived your child? See, intimate personal details that you don’t want to share!!!” Because, “Please, stop asking!” Does not work!

Okay, my vent on confidentiality is over!

Support Group!

2011-03-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

LDSInfertility.org is starting up infertility support groups! And I'm very excited to heading up a group!!! Here is more info-

In an effort to help raise awareness, to encourage discussion, and to provide an opportunity to share tangible ways to deal with infertility, ldsinfertility.org sponsors small support groups.

Objectives:
To create a warm, comfortable, and caring environment for discussion.
To open dialogue.
To invite those who attend to participate in a discussion on infertility, as they feel comfortable.
To provide those who attend to feel that they are not alone.
To have everyone leave feeling lifted and hopeful.
To consider ways the gospel can help us as we deal with the challenges of life.

General Information:
These support groups are offered at no charge to women who would like to attend (in the future, we may open support groups just for men).
The support groups are casual in nature, so feel free to dress casually.
Usually, a support group will last no longer than 1 1/2 hours, but will be based on the needs of the group.

Current ldsinfertility.org Support Groups:
Las Cruces, New Mexico
TBA
Starting April 2011
Contact: Tammy…tlgonzo49@gmail.com or 575-496-2259.
Please contact Tammy before attending your first meeting.

Cedar City, Utah
Second Tuesday of each month
7:30PM
Contact: Dawn-Marie, maggiemoo2005@gmail.com, 435-590-9491,
Contact Dawn-Marie about location.

Davis County, Utah
Last Tuesday of each month
Starting: April 26, 2011 from 7:00 – 8:30 PM
Location: Bountiful Davis Art Center, 745 South Main Street Bountiful, Utah 84010
Contact: Katie (801) 201-6626 or at wsfirm@hotmail.com
Please contact Katie before attending your first meeting.

Lehi, Utah
4th Wednesday of every month
7:00-8:30PM
Starting May 25th, 2011
Contact: Kerstin Daynes, kerstin.daynes@ldsinfertility.org
Contact Kerstin about location

Logan, Utah
More information coming

If you have any questions, or want to head up a group in your area contact Kerstin at kerstin.daynes@ldsinfertility.org

Guest Post by Devin

2011-03-29T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get back into doing guest post, I've been slacking lately! So to re-start I'll start with my friend Devin! Devin and I met (almost) 8 years ago. Holy cow, has it really been that long? We met on Church History Tour and became friends, then we got an apartment together/ became roommates (up until I went and got married)! So, here is Devin's post- I'd like to start off by thanking Dawn for letting me guest blog! I love talking about adoption, getting our story out there, and being apart of the adoption world. I'm actually not going to talk about our adoption story in this post though. If you want to view our story, please refer to our blog (www.jndpayne.blogspot.com). For this post, I'd like to talk about a couple of things that have recently been on my mind. Adoption can be a wonderful, sacred, and uplifting process. Adoption is all this and more, when it is done right. By "done right" I mean, there's open communication and respect within the adoption triad (adoptive parents, birth family, and the adoptee). Unfortunately many people are for one reason or another getting hurt in that adoption triad, so they totally dismiss adoption and may even become anti-adoption. These situations make me sad to see because of how special adoption really is. Next, I would like to talk about open adoption. Open adoption means that everyone expands their family. The adoptive family and the birth family join together and expand. For example with our birth family, we want to invite them over for family events, birthdays, Christmas and other events. On our side we do not want to separate our child from their birth family. On the birth family side they get to see the children grow up. For grandparents what more do you want? For the child they get to know that both their birth and adoptive families love and care for them. This is the ideal situation for everyone. In the past many adoptions where closed and the children and the birth parents did not have regular contact. The children had a longing to know where they came from. A good open adoption allows the everyone to work together and help raise well adjusted children. To me, open adoption is when the birth family KNOWS and loves the adoptee too. By knowing the adoptee, I mean they know what the adoptee likes/doesn't like, where they are at in life, etc. The third thing that's on my mind is... there's people out there that know of someone who wants to place, and they know someone who is trying to adopt. As that mutual person, they are afraid to talk to the expectant parent, for fear of offending. This is a hard situation to be in. People want to help both of their friends but do not want to offend either. I will say that if you don't say anything then you never know what beautiful opportunity may have been missed. Many times the birth family is under extreme amounts of stress, due to their present situation. Please be considerate of their needs. As an intermediary here are a few things you can do. 1) Talk to them with sensitivity, but TALK TO THEM! 2) Have the expectant family over for dinner/dessert/game night/etc., with the hopeful adoptive family and let them talk about adoption. Both sides are probably well equipped to discuss the topic. Even if things do not work out between your friends there is usually not any animosity between adoptive families and birth families who do not place with each other. 3) Ask the adoptive couple for a pass along card! A lot of adoptive couples have them. If the adoptive couple does not, then get basic contact information to pass along. Any Wal-Mart or office supply location has business cards you can print on your computer. Just pass the information along. Thanks so much for reading my rantings! Please feel free to look at our blog, e-mail, comment, etc. Thanks so much again, Dawn, for this opportunity!!

Infertility Sucks.... Again!

2011-03-27T23:17:00.000-07:00

We've all been there, when the hurt of infertility brings us to tears. You dis-like seeing pregnant woman, or hearing anything pregnancy related and so on. For years it was hard, very very hard. Even when we had our first 3 foster kids it was hard. From the time we decided to do foster care again up until, well now, I was doing fine! I still got the cringe of envy every time someone in my ward announced they were pregnant, but all and all I was okay.

Then last August I thought, it's finally my turn! I mean, I don't get to be pregnant, but I get everything else that goes along with it.

When my husband and I are asked about the baby my husband's story is "She lied!" and then goes into the WHOLE story. My simplyed answer, "She had a miscarriage." then eventually the person asks, When? "4 months into the pregnancy. Just found out though." It seems easier that way.

Last Wednesday my Visiting Teachers came over, neither of them had heard. So I shared the whole story. To be honest, I'm doing great about the whole thing! I'd be doing better then there wasn't 6 other people in my ward all due around the same time our baby was due! But, the infertility hurt is back, bad!

Church with Emma isn't always pleasant. She is rather active and still 1 month and 3 weeks away from going to nursery. Today we spend almost 2 of the 3 hours wandering the halls. During Sunday School I ran into my visiting teacher, whom I also visit teach (Yeah, we don't get why they set it up like that, but we don't mind!). She asked how I was doing with all the Sam drama, Good. As we talked I kept saying I was doing good, but as I thought about the month to come and hear about/ seeing all the babies due around the same time as "ours" I started tearing up. I explained to her that it (the tears) wasn't all about feeling hurt by what Sam did, it's feeling the infertility hurt and sadness.

Ugggg... Why does it have to be hard again? I've been fine with my infertility for over 2 years now!

Forgiveness

2011-03-27T00:54:00.000-07:00

I know some people might not agree with my current feelings towards Samantha in regards to what she did to us, but let me lay it all out for you.

The past week I have thought a LOT about my life's experiences and forgiveness. I've had to work on forgiving people for fairly serious things more times then one person should have to. The main thing that kept running through my mind happened a few weeks after Isaac and Madison left. My husband and I were at some relatives house to talk to them about how I was currently in counseling because of some sexual abuse that happened to me as a teenager. This (very close) relative's response to this topic, "Forgive and forget!". Now, this was my third time in counseling. Time #1 was because of my dad's abuse. Time #2 was because of the sexual abuse, but my counselor was an idiot and it ended badly. Then time #3 I had an awesome counselor and it all worked out. Now I know "forgive and forget" isn't how it all works, it's just not that easy!

Now when it came to Sam lying to us a lot of responses have been "I hope she's never a part of your lives again." I keep comparing the deeds that were done to me and the reactions. When I started telling family members about my dad's abuse the reactions were "You're just too sensitive, what he says wouldn't both other people!" another response was, "Yeah I know, so?" I was expected to continue contact with him, to act as if he didn't do anything wrong. I was viewed as the bad/ messed up one. Through counseling I worked on forgiving him. I went through a counseling group called SOLE and that changed everything. Over the years I have set certain boundaries with him that make being around him (almost) bearable at times. Our phone conversations go something like- Dad "How are you doing? Anything new or exciting going on?" Me: "No. Can I talk to mom?" then my mom comes on the phone, Me: "We're going to be adopting Emma!" Yes, I would say I still have some spite there, I just don't enjoy talking to him. He is not allowed to watch my children unattended, we will not ride in the car if he is driving (he's also an alcoholic) and a few other things. The things my dad has done and sometimes still tries to do have been horrible, way worse then what Samantha did!

Then there was the sexual abuse. I won't go into the details. I am not in contact with the person who did it, but for a while I was in contact with him mom. Like I said, people just expected me to simply forgive him and move on with my life. The things he said and did were horribly awful. Again, through counseling I worked on things and have come to forgive him. Now, I don't ever want contact or a relationship with him, but I have no reason to have one. He isn't family nor is he related to my child.

Samantha's lies: All I can think about is if given the choice of abuse #1, abuse #2 or Sam's crap, I'd pick Sam's lies and crap in a heartbeat to have to deal with again! I also keep thinking, if I could forgive my dad and my sexual abuser, why can't I forgive Sam? Now, that doesn't mean I will completely trust her again. It does not mean that she will have free rain over the adoption. There is still a lot to work out. There will be a lot of boundaries, but that's what keeps things healthy and safe. She is not allowed to baby-sit Emma or even have unsupervised visits with her. While she is in jail I am going to write to her, that will give us a good 6 months to a year just to write and work on things. Once she is out of jail I will re-evaluate how things are going and see from there. For now my thoughts (for once she is out) are that our main contact will be online. I will post new pictures of Emma on Facebook and put how she is doing and what she is up to. We might message back and forth, but that might be all. No visits (if we do, they will be in a public place), no invites over to our house for dinner, no just hanging out because we are/were friends, no helping her when she's in a pinch, nothing of those sorts.

I'm sure most of you are thinking I'm the worlds biggest idiot for even thinking about forgiving Sam. No matter what she does, or what I do, nothing can change the fact that she is my daughter's birth mother. I'm sure are thinking "But, Sam's into drugs!" She says she is going to get help. Plus, my dad is an alcoholic and a mean/ jerk one at that! I literally almost kicked him out of his own house at Emma's birthday party! Also, my whole family is in denial about my dad, he is a Saint and can do no wrong! I keep thinking, at least Sam admits she has problems unlike my dad!

Obviously if my relationship with Sam continues to remain un-healthy I will end it. But, I believe in forgiveness and second chances.

To read more about my stories, experiences, thoughts and feelings on the abuse go (HERE)

Blah...

2011-03-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

I'll blog about Sam's letter later and my thoughts and feelings on the subject when I feel like getting into them...

The first (and only aside from now) time I was on Glucophage/ Metformin it made me horrible nauseous! I remember it was at Thanksgiving, we were staying at my husband's brothers place. We were playing this really fun game, but after every hand we got up and rotated where we were sitting. All the up and down movement was making the nausea worse! I just remember how horrible it was! Dr. Midwife told me to start it out slow, 1/2 a pill a day for a few days, then 2- 1/2 pills a day, then work my way up to the full dosage of 3 whole pills a day. I felt great for a while on it.

It was also my first time on Progesterone. I've done Provera and Prometrium and they both had the same affect on me. I'm not so sure I've like the Progesterone. It took longer to stop my bleeding, first of all. With the other 2 I had a great "normal" cycle. I'd cramp the first day or two, have a little bit of heavy, but for the most part very normal! Progesterone... I felt like I was going to die! I cramped, BAD and bleed very heavily for 3 to 4 solid days! No light or regular bleeding, just heavy! Then it stopped, Hallelujah. Then it started, cramps and all, again. Then it stopped. I am going to keep taking it for the next 3 months like Dr. Midwife suggested, but if it does this each month I'm going to ask for Provera.

Back to Metformin. I was feeling good, until my cycle started. Cramps make me nauseous and the nausea has not gone away in a week now. I've even been skipping doses trying to subside it, but to no avail it is staying! Seriously, today all I have eaten, because it was the only thing that sounded good, was a sandwich at Great Harvest. Brad has never been there before, but he LOVED the soup he got.

Oh PCOS, how you drive me crazy!

I should mention, I'm not even trying to get pregnant! Nope, doing all of this just to have regular cycles! I mean, if I do get pregnant, YAY, but not doing clomid or anything to help. In fact I told my husband, I'm not going to take ovulation tests because it just stresses me out if I know so we'll just do it and see what happens.

Letter from Sam

2011-03-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

I honestly don`t know what to think. I`m not one to hold onto grudges and bad feelings, but I know I can never 100% trust Samantha again. This is her response to my letter.

Thank you for writing me. It means a lot. I know I messed up big time...Trust me I think about it everyday. I thank God everyday that you are who you are & I know my child is safe and loved. I'm not even going to try and justify my actions. I did destroy everthing important to me. I always self destruct.. I don't know whats wrong with me. I need help in all aspects and plan to get help. I love you so much and I'm so sorry I hurt you the way I did. I took it way too far. I didn't know what to do... I'm putting my life in Gods hands for once. I love you Dawn. I'm sorry. Tell Emma I love her.

I don't know what to say. I (messed) up majorly!! Please let me show you I'm not that person... Although no one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending!!!
ps. I love Emma SO much, give her my love.

Closeness in the hurt

2011-03-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

I want to be in contact with Emma's biological family. Even though Sam has hurt us to deeply, I still want to be in contact with her family. I made a Facebook account that was Emma's old name with Emma in there cuz I hate then people call her "Jay", but didn't want to put our last name in there. Does that make sense? "Jay Emma old last name". I became friends with Sam's dad,brothers, sister, mom and step mom and also Emma's birth father's brothers girl friend who has Emma's bio-cousin. I told them that even though Sam has hurt us I want Emma to know she is loved by them and I want her to know where he comes from and said I would try to keep current pictures of Emma up for them to see her and know how she's doing.

I found great comfort in this. I'm not sure why exactly. But I'm glad I did it. No worries, I'm not sharing ANY identify info about us or where we live or anything! I am playing this safe. Reading Sam's dad note of "She is so beautiful, thank you from the bottom of my heart!" makes it worth it! Sam's mom has agreed to take Sam's belongings that are still at our house. She asked if she could see Emma while we were there dropping the things off. We told her yes. I have heard horror stories about her lying and being vicious, so I'm sticking to just posting pictures of Emma and what she's up to! We will let her see Em because we will be at her house with Emma, but it's not going to happen much, if ever again.

Here it is...

2011-03-15T13:54:00.000-07:00

Finally, here is the story as to how things played out. I didn't want to post it before we got to talk to our parents about it. My mom called me yesterday to tell me she's sad. She told me, "I thought I'd be angry, but I'm not. I'm just sad." I'm just glad she isn't mad at me! (My parents are know to twist things around and make things I had nothing to do with my fault!)

Thursday afternoon I was sitting on the couch, still in my pajamas, watching Netflix. Emma was half dressed, I had just changed her diaper and didn't bother putting the bottoms back on because I was going to get her dressed soon. Someone knocked on our door. I KNEW it was Sam's parole officer. How did I know? Well, no one ever comes to our house and I just had a gut feeling. I was right! PO and the guy that is always with her were at the door. I invited them in. Felt trashy because my kid had on a pajama top and diaper and I was in PJ's at noon!

I don't remember where we actually started the conversation. PO said she wanted to talk to me about Sam. She was wondering why I was so upset when I went outside and asked Sam about lying about the pregnancy. I went straight to the question, "IS she pregnant????" No. Her Parole Officer pregnancy tested her and it was negative. I told her the story, Sam told last Aug. me she was pregnant and planed on placing the baby for adoption and wanted us to have it. It's all such a blur what was said when, but many things came up. Sam also promised this fake baby to someone else!!! Oh my heck. I want to know who is other person is! They told me the other person even has an attorney who was handling this adoption. We do too, plus we've spent HUNDREDS of $ on this baby! Brand new crib, mattress, glider and ottoman, clothes, toys plus my mom has bough- clothes, towels, and blankets. Yeah I'd say over $500 went into this fake kid. At least we haven't paid our attorney any $ yet. PO said it was smart of my not to pay anything until the baby was born. And that's my advice to everyone, don't invest money until the baby is born!

No one can figure out why she did it. She never asked for money, she never wanted anything from us. Attention? That's the only thing we could think of. Her PO doesn't get it either. What did she gain? What did she lose? Her open adoption with Emma! When I told her PO that she asked me how it would work, could we close it? Because our open adoption was a verbal agreement between Sam and I, I have every right to just change my mind and don't have to do anything! PO also didn't know the status with Emma, Did Sam have any rights? Nope. She relinquished in June and we finalized in November, she is MINE. PO was glad to hear that.

I also brought up a letter I found in Sam's things. (I put up a post about it) She told me it was up to me if I wanted to contact the police about it. Brad and I have talked and he doesn't want to get a restraining order (yet). We'll see once she's out of jail if she ever comes around.

After they left and I did a LOT of crying, I pulled myself together. Brad and I talked before we found out for sure and we agreed if she wasn't we were ready to re-open our foster care file for placements. A little while later I went through Sam's phone/ well our phone she was using. I was tired of getting texts and calls to her so I texted everyone on her contact list. (more on that to come, it's actually GOOD I promise!) I looked through the pictures, there were lots of ones of Emma. One from a few days ago and then 4 hours after she was at our house there was a picture of.... Cocaine!!!!!!!! Are ya kidding me??? Who on earth takes pictures of their drugs?! There was one in with all her pictures and another one saved on the memory card! I also figured out where the fake ultrasound picture came from! It was her friends who is also pregnant and due soon.

Saturday I went to the jail to talk to her. I wanted to know WHY. When I first saw her she was upset I went through her things, but I didn't let her go there at all, I was there on a mission to find out WHY. She claims "I really thought I was pregnant!" How do you think you were pregnant? She says she had the positive pregnancy test, she saw a doctor, had the amnio, went to jail (the first time, out of 3 now!) and after 4 month of no bleeding she all of a sudden started bleeding bad. Who knows if that is true, but that's her story. "Why didn't you just tell us?" She says she was too afraid that I would drop contact with her and she would loss our open adoption with Emma. The longer she didn't tell us the harder it got. She apologized over and over again, I honestly don't care! She gets that she messed up and that we no longer want her around Emma. Her mom has agreed to take her things from us. She said because of the theft charges and her parole violation she's looking at 6 month to a year in jail possibly prison. She said that's why she's been distant from me is because she felt horrible about her lies. She said she is going to go to rehab and really does want to straiten out her life. She said she hopes with time we can try at a relationship again. How do I feel about that? I'm not sure. I will NEVER ever trust her again, I will never let her be alone with Emma. I will have to see how I feel in about a year or so... But I'm not going to be as open and nice to her as I have been. Me closing our open adoption is her own fault and she gets that. She admitted to me about her drug use the past few month, but then claimed the pictures of cocaine I found were not that, but some legal something or other of Ren's. Ha ha ha, I really don't believe that! She also said she wants to have another baby for her sometime. I flat out told her "Good luck not getting that kid taken when you're on drugs!" She claims she is going to straiten out her life.

Like I said in my previous post, we are really doing good. Then I told my mom toward the end of the conversation she said "You sound like you're taking it well?" I bawled as I first told her, but it is getting easier every day!

The Letter

2011-03-12T23:55:00.000-08:00

I saw Samantha today. I'm writing up the whole long story, it's coming ASAP I promise. Our parents now know and they were great about it. I literally almost threw up when Brad was telling his mom and I was about to tell my mom (I was actually carrying around the trash can I really did think I was going to!). We got threw it though and it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be! :)

This is a letter I am in fact sending to Sam:

Samantha, I'm supposed to teach a lesson at church tomorrow. When I saw the topic was on service I thought about all the things I have done, made and given you the past year or so. I want you to know I did not do a single thing just because you were pregnant. Everything I've ever done for you was because I loved and cared about you. I don't get why you did what you did. I really do want you to be happy, healthy and off drugs. I still care about you even though I no longer trust you. I hope you realized what your lying and drug use has destroyed! I love MY daughter very much. I will not tell her bad things about you, but I will also do whatever it takes to protect her. I'm not going to let you hurt her the way you hurt Brad and I. Don't call me & I'm probably not going to visit you, but I'm open to letters. Let me know how you are and what's going on.- Me

What did I have to gain?

2011-03-11T00:40:00.000-08:00

I'll blog the whole story eventually, I promise. But until hubby and I are able to talk to our families the blog world will have to wait...

If your a blogger then you know how comments are. There are the ones that make your day, the ones that make me feel not so alone in this adoption, infertility or foster care world and the ones that hurt.

"Why are you playing this game and putting your husband and Emma through this?? What's your pay off? I don't even see this as a noble act any more." On this already horrible day this stung. WHY have I been on this roller coaster? Because I was promised at the end of it a beautiful baby boy! It's as simple as that!

I'm not "putting" anyone through this! My husband was along for the ride and I'm pretty sure my 15-month-old does not realized she will no longer be getting a baby brother! She doesn't know when Sam doesn't show up when she said she would. She doesn't care that her birth mom visits her at all.

I honestly thought that I was "saving" this baby from being raised by a drug addict on the streets! This was about the baby, not about me! Did I want him? Well, yes, obviously I very much so did.

As much as I love Emma, I could not love her more then I do, I missed things with her. I got her at 4 1/2 months old. I miss those months. The infertile in me longed to experience pregnancy and I was promised I'd get to experience that vicariously through Sam. I longed to hold a new born little baby and not have to hand it over to it's parents when I was done. I was promised I would get that. Haven't you ever had a broken promise???

I just went through a 7 month long adoption scam and yet this comment makes me feel like the bad guy! Was I dumb for believing Sam? Yeah. Feel free to judge and ridicule me! Was I aware of the red flags that came up in the past 7 months? VERY! I have had weird feelings about this since the day Sam told me she wanted me to adopt this baby. BUT, I went with it. What if there really was a baby? Would I want that baby to be homeless and then end up in foster care? No. Should I try to help this baby if there was one? Yes. Should I of demanded proof of pregnancy 7 months ago? Yep. It's a mistake I will never make again! At the same time I didn't want to offend Sam. I didn't want her to think I was un-trusting by forcing her to take a pregnancy test in front of me. What if I did that and I offended her so much she decided to keep the baby and it ended up on the streets with her or in foster care in another state?

To be honest, as crazy as the past 7 months have been, I wouldn't change much of it. I don't regret my open adoption with Sam. (FYI it is no longer open!) I was able to get info and pictures from her that most adoptive foster parents NEVER get! I don't regret that, not one bit. I have another post coming about how I've made contact with Emma's birth families because of this. I'm excited to see how those relationships go! Don't worry, our "relationships" are just being FB friends and sharing pictures of Emma with them, I am being careful!!!

Oh and I've been through counseling/ therapy and I do get the whole "What did you have to gain by doing that or acting that way?" thing. The person you should be asking that to is Samantha!

I've know for just over 13 hours now and although I still want to bawl about it, I feel pretty good! I will write more once our families are informed! and if any family reads this and finds out that way, I'm sorry and please don't tell our parents before we do!

Another thing I have realized as I have been chatting with Mama Lark- I've been a LOT of stuff in my life and this just feels like one more thing to add to the pile. Really, as hurt and angry as I am, it's not that big of a deal. No one died, no one was physically hurt, life will go on! I don't blog on here about it all, but the short version of my life story: Parents divorced when I was 1-month-old, My dad gave up his parental right when I was about 7-months, My mom died (which I a horrible, scaring story in it self) when I was 7, I was adopted by my grand parents who could not seem to keep a single promise to me ever, my grandpa was Extremely verbally abusive, I made my mistakes with trying to deal with said abuse (I'm open about, just don't feel like sharing on this blog, e-mail me if you wanna know!), went to counseling and changed my life, met the man of my dreams and married him less then 6 months later, after getting married I all of a sudden recalled sexual abuse that happened with a non-relative, more counseling that ended badly, then there's the whole infertility stuff, followed by more counseling that was a good experience, Oh and I'm skipping the whole my bio-dad is a crazy liar like Sam and I ended up having to cut all ties with him after getting hurt emotionally, had some good and bad foster care experiences, then we got and adopted Emma. Really, an adoption scam isn't that huge to me on this list of crap I've been though!!!

It's been a long 7-month ride, I'm glad it's over though. It just means I can fianlly move on with my life!

Oh What a Day it has been...

2011-03-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

Monday around 10 PM Sam texted me "something bad just happened and I don't know what to do". I asked What. Sam told me she and her friend "Ren" got locked out of their apartment because Ren didn't pay rent. After a bunch of "I'm coming to get you" and "No don't" I went and picked her up and she ended up staying the night at our house.

My parents played the "we saved you" card too much! They told me I'd be a homeless orphan without them, which is NOT true at all. I have 3 uncles that would of taken me if they had not! One of my uncles made it know my whole life that I was wanted and loved by them! I'm not going to do that to Emma, but at the same time I want her to know what her life could of been like if she was raised by Samantha. As I was going to get her and she told me not to come I asked her "So what are you going to just sleep outside tonight?" She told me yes and she had done it before! I can't imagine my sweet little 1-year-old girl being homeless right now.

Tuesday- I had a doctor's appointment at 11:30. Before I left we talked about what she was going to do. She said all her friends she could stay with do drugs so she didn't want to stay with them. Brad and I had talked about it in the past and as much as we love her, we agreed that one or two nights was okay but that was our limit. She started looking into staying at the homeless shelter. We felt bad, but we weren't going to offer her staying at our house.

I went to Dr. Midwife... To be honest, I've been through all but one doctor in this town and don't like any of them! (I'm not saying she's bad. I just dis-like when one doctor says one thing, another says a different thing and I get no where with my bleeding problems... We shall see how things go. If these med's work I will take it back and say I love her! LOL) She isn't 100% sure I have PCOS. Why not? 1) "You can't tell just from an ultrasounds", which is how Dr. who diagnosed it did it. 2) I'm not over weight although she wants me to lose 15 to 20 pounds! Holy cow!!! That would put me just over 100 pounds, can you say anorexic?? 3) I'm not hairy enough. Um, the 2 beard hairs I tweezed yesterday beg to differ! Anyway's... I wanted Provera because it's cheaper. She explained that natural progesterone works better and she told me of a pharmacy that it's only $20. I agreed to it. She also said Glucophage/ Metformin will help regulate my cycles and I might even ovulate on my own. So we're trying that as well.

I'm anxious to see how the medications work! Even though my Dr. Midwife told me to go to "hometown pharmacy" that I've heard is over priced, I priced out the Rx's at Walgreens. Progesterone = $120 and Metformin = $23. Hometown Pharmacy: Metformin= $11 and Progesterone was $20!!! Not too shabby! So thankful to be able to go to the doctor and get on a prescription!!!!

Back to Samantha... I got home, she talked to the shelter about going there, Emma napped, Ren brought over some of Sam's stuff, we were eating lunch and Sam talked to her Parole Officer. She asked us if her PO could come over, Sure. She came over and they talked outside. Then a police officer came. They continued to talk outside. Then they came in, Sam was crying and said they needed to search her stuff. We were then filled in on the drama (which will not be blogged about). She and her PO went into the bathroom to do a drug test. Sam came out crying and said she was going to jail. I asked why, she didn't say, but because they did a drug test I'm assuming she was dirty! They went back outside and talked more before she was arrested. While she was out there Ren called, I answered and told her Sam was getting arrested. She told me "Sam lies. She's lying to you!" I knew what was coming, I've heard it before... "She isn't pregnant! She's lying to you!" I stormed outside and told her Ren was on the phone and asked why she said she's lying about being pregnant! Her PO flipped out yelling at her that she had never heard anything about Sam being pregnant. She claimed she didn't want DCFS to get involved. Uggggg. Who knows right now. There are so many things that point to she is and a few things that point to lies. We honestly don't know what to think. We're preparing for the worst but also being ready for a baby.

What are we really going to do? Talk to her PO, see if there is ANY way she can do a pregnancy test to find out yes or no.

I told Brad if she's lying, not that I'm trying to replace "baby", but I feel ready to do foster care again. I feel that there is another child out there ready to be with us. Maybe we needed this fake pregnancy to get us to that point right now.

The sweetest moment today. I was organizing our DVD's which I was working on when she started texting me last night. Brad told Emma "Go give Mom loves!" Emma ran over and gave me a hug!

Our quote of today "Only time will tell!" We keep saying 1 month from now either there will be a baby or we will know 100% it was a lie. I think it will be a long month.

What Would You Do?

2011-03-05T00:12:00.000-08:00

It has been crazy coincidences that Ben was the spitting image of Brad and now Emma is the spitting image of me. Madison and Isaac didn't look a ton like either of us, but they didn't not look like us. I am not opposed to bi-racial. We have only been asked to take in one (well a sibling group) child of another race. That was the one call we said no to, NOT because of the race, but because it's long and detailed and had nothing to do with the children's race.

I love the ABC show "What Would You Do?"! LOVE it! They just a piece on bi-racial adoptions. I heard mixed reviews about it, but I really liked it. It was presented tactfully and in a respectful manner. I liked how majority of the people sided with the adoptive mom on the issue of their child. The one lady said she personally couldn't do it, but she wasn't against it either. "All a child needs is love". How true!

Just a few weeks ago my husband and I were at Target. We were looking at baby clothes. I saw a (Caucasian) man pushing a shopping cart with 2 African-American children in it. I didn't see the mom so for all I knew, she could of been African-American. As I looked at clothes I saw the cutest dress. I told Brad "Be glad the baby's a boy because if it was a girl I would be buying that!" A (Caucasian) lady near us heard me and laughed! As we walked away the guy with the two African-American children walked up to her and I realized it was his wife/ their adopted kids. I walked away smiling and thinking "Man, I love adoption!"

Things in this world are hard enough. Why do we have to have judgmental and raciest people? I get that bi-racial adoption isn't for everyone, but I would never judge or criticize one of my friends for adopting a bi-racial child!

A Not-So-Flaky kinda day (make that 2!)

2011-03-03T23:03:00.000-08:00

Don't ask me why I feel inclined to blog about every time I see or talk to Samantha, but I do. All a part of our open adoption experience I guess.

"no contact" days make me nervous, "Is something wrong?" is what I always think. Yesterday there was no contact, no response to my texts. This afternoon (this was on Wednesday) Sam tells me she lost her phone on Tuesday and just found it. Which I thought might be going on. We made plans for her to come over at 7:30. At 7 she told me she didn't feel like coming over and her friend/roommate/ "little sister" also wanted to see Emma so could we go over there? We had no plans, so sure. Emma and I went over there and Em was shy at first, as usual. After about an hour Sam decided she'd rather go to our place. We got to our house and they said they were going to go get sodas and be back. Then she texted me they needed to get something else. Almost an hour later I asked if they were still coming. She said they were almost there (to my house). I still wasn't so sure if they'd show. But, they did!

I had a whole post written about my PCOS drama, but I accidentally deleted... oh my Heavens, not only has the PCOS bleeding been bad, but the hormones have me CRAZY! I kid you not, just ask my husband! I have completely flipped out on him twice today!

Thursday Sam was going to come over around 7. I didn't even notice that it was 7:15 and she texted me that she was still stuck with her friend. It also helps that I had just gotten my Silhouette, freaken awesome thing ever! Well I was going back and forth and I missed a call from Sam. I called her back and her friend said she was at my front door, I walk into the living room and Brad's letting her in. Today she told me, "I didn't want to just blow you off. I feel bad when I don't make it over!"

Emma is hit and miss with wanting Sam to hold her. She is so clingy on me, even Brad is lucky if Em wants him. But as Sam was leaving Emma wanted her. Sam texted me later that it made her night.

I needed that time...

2011-03-02T00:32:00.000-08:00

I don't remember how I actually came to the conclusion, but I realized something the other day. Maybe it was while I was working on my letter to Samantha. I'm in the process of writing it to give to her when baby is born. Any ways, I realized something... The first time we did foster care, even though I was open, honest and not at all afraid of Ben birth father or Isaac and Madison's birth mother, I never ONCE thought about having an open adoption with them!

In the mix of chaos of my PCOS at it's all time worst and struggling with Isaac, we decided to close our foster care file. That was in November of 2007. After dealing with things, getting my PCOS (back then I still didn't know WHAT was causing all the problems) straightened out, we decided it was time to adopt. I think it was in June or July of 2008. We met with LDSFS. I already knew the caseworker (his dad is now our bishop), we started the paperwork, we announced it to family in friends, we started saving money, we made "pass along cards", we sent out said pass along cards, but it just wasn't meant to be. During that time I got really involved in the adoption world. The more I read about open adoption, the more I fell in love with it, the more I wanted one!

It was a crazy experience when we decided to foster again. I had sworn I NEVER would do foster care again. I told my friend all negative things about it and advised NOT to. I owe it all to my friend, one day out of the blue she says "Let's do foster care again together!" We had met in the foster care training classes the first time around. The second she said it, it just felt right. I knew we needed to! Brad was hesitant... It took time, but he eventually agreed! I was beyond excited about it! I couldn't wait to announce it to our friends and family! Our family had mixed re-actions about it. We got a lot of "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Now I'm a VERY sarcastic person and my response was "No, I just woke up one morning and decided I wanted to do it and be miserable again!"

By the time we had Emma I had thought about an open adoption through foster care. I hadn't thought too much about it. It is one of those things that really depends on the birth family situation. Like, Ben's dad was still using Meth and his mom tried to kidnap one of his siblings. That situation would not be safe to have an open adoption. (Obviously there is a lot more to the case, but because of confidentiality, I'll leave it at that!)

I wasn't 100% sure I wanted an open adoption with Samantha until the day before she decided to relinquish. Once I heard that it was her decision, out of her love for her daughter, I felt inclined to throw "open adoption" out there. I never discussed it with Brad. I remember the first time I said it out loud. Emma and I were in our caseworker's office waiting for Sam to get there. I told our caseworker "Tell her I'd like an open adoption." I wasn't saying that to push or pursued Samantha into placing Emma for adoption, I really did mean it. Uh hello, look at us now! Then actually talking to Sam about it and hearing her experiences with Ethan and Avery, I knew I was all in! (I have only heard Samantha's side of the story, but Ethan and Avery's adoptive parents also agreed on open adoption, but after a few months changed their minds. She says it was because she was occasionally getting arrested. Again, not bashing these people, I've never met them. Just Sam's side of the story.)

To make my long story short, I truly needed that time between foster care experiences to fell in love with open adoption. It amazes me so much about how Samantha and I's relationship is like.

Endometriosis Awareness Month

2011-03-01T16:05:00.000-08:00

By Rachel Gurevich, About.com Guide to Fertility

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month in the United States, and various weeks in March are designated for endometriosis awareness all around the world.

There are many diseases and causes which have “awareness” days, weeks, or months. In my opinion, endometriosis desperately needs this time period, when people make a special effort to reach out and educate people about this disease.

Why? Because endometriosis is often misdiagnosed or simply over looked. According to Endometriosis.org, a survey done in 2005 found that it takes an average of 8 years for a woman to get an endometriosis diagnosis. Of those women, 65% received a misdiagnosis of another disease, and up to 50% had to see five or more medical professionals before getting accurately diagnosed.

I’ve heard from one couple dealing with infertility that their doctor believes many of the unexplained infertility cases can be attributed to undiagnosed endometriosis. In fact, among women with infertility, up to 30% are thought to have some form of endometriosis.

When Do You Give Up?

Kim is in the middle of the two week wait and going nutty. She writes, "Trying to have a baby is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, and I have been through a lot in my life. So many people get pregnant without even trying, or by trying for only a few short months. I have been dealing with this for about 15 months now.... Two weeks last a life time, but 15 months? That's a few centuries right there."

She also asks, "How long is too long? At what point do you decide it's been enough, it's not going to work, and you just stop. Stop the pills, stop the trying, stop the thinking, dreaming, wishing, hoping. At what point do you realize that it's just not going to happen for you?"

Is Everyone Fertile But Me?!

Erica writes, "Some of my frustrations include the fact that I feel old, and that all of my friends and coworkers are amazingly fertile. I feel like the odd one out, like something is wrong with me. I can't help but get irritated when someone tells me they are pregnant, even though deep down inside I am happy for them. I just want to be happy for me too. You know?"

Join Their Fertility Forums

2011-03-01T02:34:00.000-08:00

Today (well, Monday) Brad and I have talked a LOT about the situation with Samantha. Brad's biggest fear, she's faking it. We went through so many "what if's" tonight. What if she's faking it? What if she had a miscarriage and doesn't want to tell us? What if she is pregnant, but has no plan on giving us the baby? What if she is pregnant and does want to place the baby? Why is she lying about certain things (we have at least 1 thing we know for sure she has lied about)? But even that lie I was able to explain a logical explanation for to Brad, I just don't get why she wouldn't of told me that truth... (sorry hard to explain without saying what exactly)

The things she has said, someone wouldn't say or come up with if they were faking something like this. She has always been flaky and irresponsible, so what else is new?

Earlier in the day she said she had some questions and concerns she wanted to talk to me about. I'll admit, I was antsy about what those concerns might be. I haven't been able to sleep because A) I took a nap today so my body thinks it's good on sleep. B) My chest congestion crap has moved to my sinuses C) I have a headache from either stress or my sinus congestion or both D) I have too much on my mind and E) my PCOS is gonna be the death of my (no, literally it is), as I am now gushing blood! Oh and my computer sounds like it's gonna die! :(

I was still awake and I heard my phone going off in the bedroom (at 2:30 AM). It was Sam. We texted for almost an hour and talked about her "mixed emotions" and anxiety's about the baby's arrival. Up until a month or so ago she really distanced herself from the pregnancy, from baby and all that. But it is catching up with her. She is really struggling and I don't know how to help her. Her family is zero supportive, they pretend like she's not even pregnant. I suggested counseling, at first she said maybe but then said she doesn't think it would help. I feel horrible for her. I can't imagine how she feels. I wish I could take away the pain and heartache.

I should at least try to get some sleep. I have tried, but my mind is just too busy. 5 weeks until she is due. I keep thinking, my sister delivered her first 2 kids 6 weeks early and her third was 4 weeks early. Baby, it's time to COME OUT!!!!!!

The joys of open adoption

2011-02-28T17:44:00.000-08:00

There are time when I get excited over dumb little things that Emma does. Sometimes even Brad isn't all that excited about them. But I LOVE being able to share these dumb little things with Sam!

Emma has been obsessed with watching me go to the bathroom and I let her watch me. I've heard it's good for teaching them for potty training. About 15 minutes ago Emma went into our bathroom and was trying to climb onto the toilet. I asked her "Do you want to go potty?" She repeated "potty", but sounds like Pah. We went over to her bathroom, took off her pants and diaper and put her on her potty seat. We sat there for about 5 minutes with me telling her "Go pee in the potty!" I was about to call it quits, after all she's only 15 months old when I heard a trickling!!!

After praising her and giving her a treat I texted Sam "Guess what Emma just did?" After I told her, her response "OMG I'm such a proud birth mommy!!!" Another big thing, this is the first time Sam has referred to herself as "birth mom". She hasn't tried to take the role as mom and she is beyond respectful as us as the parents, she has just never said that before!

Way to go Emmers! Just maybe we'll only have 1 kid in diapers at a time! Ha ha, I doubt it, but we are going to keep trying!

How much can one heart take?

2011-02-28T09:25:00.000-08:00

As I drove home this morning I thought about the lyrics to this song, which ironically is titled "Emma". I'm not sure I can emotionally handle much more...

Sam had an ultrasound appointment today... Anyone else surprised it didn't happen?

My morning when something like this: Woke up at 6:30. Woke up Emma at 6:40. Took Brad to work. Came home, put Emma back to bed. Tried going back to sleep, didn't happen. Got up, got dressed, texted Sam. No response. Got Emma up, got her dressed and ready. Called Sam, no answer. Loaded Emma up in the car, Sam texts me "I'm at probation." Me: "Okay. Are you going to the ultrasound?" No response. I drive by probation and I don't see her car. I go to the hospital and wait to see if she shows up. Emma meanwhile is screaming, the only thing to make her stop is feeding her cinnamon bears. Just after 9 (her appointment time) I leave. I go to her house and her car is there! Okay, now I'm furious! I knock on the door, someone looks through the blinds, but doesn't answer. I knock again, her friend answers. Sam is laying on her bed sleeping. Her response to all this "I don't feel good. I don't feel like going!"

I got back in my car and drove home. I cried the whole way and kept thinking, I'm done.

Brad and I both are extremely concerned! WHAT IS GOING ON? But I will admit, there are some lies going on!

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do.

I got home and getting Emma out of the car seat I couldn't help but smile. She was completely covered in cinnamon bear, her face was red and sticky, sticky hands, cinnamon bear in her hair, on her shirt, on her jacket, it was everywhere! She has been super cute and sweet since we're been home. She was a monster yesterday and I don't think I could handle that again today.

And to Sam's "I don't feel good", FYI neither do I, but still I did what I agreed to do and if I was canceling I'd let the person I was meeting know! Today's the first day in 4 days that I don't feel totally miserable. Now, I feel like I am going to puke!

How much can one heart take?
Emma has been running around in just a diaper and socks, she is pretty stinken cute. I looked at her sitting in front of my playing and started crying, not because I'm mad at Sam or cuz I'm so tired of all this, but because I love Emma so much. Watching her play washed away all the pain of earlier today. Then I started writing and texting Brad and well, it's all back. There is definitely a nap in my future today....

A Day in The Life of the Infertile with PCOS

2011-02-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

Friday was a crazy busy day. While we were at Wal-Mart for the third time I could feel that my iron was low. Dang... My PCOS was bad back in November, but (although constant) it hasn't been bad until Friday. Every time I stood up I felt light headed. Saturday morning wasn't much better. At 2 I had someone in my ward's baby shower.

I got to the shower and not too long after I got there I realized, the infertile part of me dis-likes baby showers! On my way home I realized that this is the first one I've been since we've been married/ trying to get pregnant. Okay, well, I had my sisters baby shower 4 months after we started trying. For the most part it wasn't too bad. I just feel uncomfortable any time the topics of pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding comes up, even if it's family members talking. I don't know what it is (other then I can't experience any of those things) that I get REALLY uncomfortable being around those topics. I once had someone (who knows we got Emma at 4 months old) "do you ever swaddle her like when you did when she was a new born?" "I did NOT have her as a newborn." Okay, I said it a lot nicer then that.

Thursday after her doctor's appointment Sam was going to come over. Things come up and she said Friday. I never heard from her on Friday. Saturday while at the shower she started texting me. I left the shower feeling a little blah, then I got a text from Sam "Wanna hang out?" Surprisingly, she didn't come over, but I got a first...

It was a few hours later and then I got a text from Samantha saying she was sorry she didn't come over like she said and all we have to do is say the word and she'll be over Sunday.

Baby's room is officially ready! Yay! We got him a crib Friday, finally. We have all furniture, clothes, diapers... What's left? Put the car seat in the car and make 1 more matching blanket. Roughly 6 weeks to go.

Feeling pretty anxious...

2011-02-23T22:16:00.000-08:00

This is appointment attempt #4... Yesterday I felt 75% sure it was going to happen. Right now I'm feeling pretty iffy about it.

I did talk to Sam today. There was no visit to flake out, I needed a break. We did text briefly about tomorrow. Me: "Are you excited for tomorrow?" Sam: "Yeah" Me: "Do you need a ride?" Sam: "Maybe" Me: "Okay. Just let me know."

My main hesitation, it's at 8 AM and she's not a morning person. For that reason I always feel more confident if the appointment is mid-day, even though those haven't happened. I'm now 75% sure she will "sleep though" her appointment... ahhhhh. What am I honestly expecting to happen? I don't know. I am in NO way excited. I'm anxious, nervous and stressed! I got my hopes up the day before the last appointment and you all know how that happened. If Sam didn't want me to go to the appointment with her I would flat out tell her, Don't tell me when it is, just let me know after you've gone!

What if she doesn't show? Well, she supposedly has another appointment on the 28th to check the baby's lungs. I would wait (impatiently) for then. If she doesn't go to that one? I'll deal with it then, I guess. Because she has to have a C-Section she will eventually have to go to the doctor before she can deliver so it will eventually happen! A big part of me right now wishes I wasn't so involved and like I said, she can just tell me when it's over. I just want the baby born! We're down to 6 weeks before her due date. Can he just come out yet? I have a niece and nephew who were both 6 weeks early so I kind of know how it is (as an aunt). I'll take that over all this crazy stress. I still need to finish 1 matching blanket and put the car seat in the car, which I'm going to do after the appointment (if it happens).

I have to wake up in 7 hours and the appointments in less then 9 hours. I doubt I will get much sleep.