Friday, March 11, 2011

What did I have to gain?

I'll blog the whole story eventually, I promise. But until hubby and I are able to talk to our families the blog world will have to wait...

If your a blogger then you know how comments are. There are the ones that make your day, the ones that make me feel not so alone in this adoption, infertility or foster care world and the ones that hurt.

"Why are you playing this game and putting your husband and Emma through this?? What's your pay off? I don't even see this as a noble act any more." On this already horrible day this stung. WHY have I been on this roller coaster? Because I was promised at the end of it a beautiful baby boy! It's as simple as that!

I'm not "putting" anyone through this! My husband was along for the ride and I'm pretty sure my 15-month-old does not realized she will no longer be getting a baby brother! She doesn't know when Sam doesn't show up when she said she would. She doesn't care that her birth mom visits her at all.

I honestly thought that I was "saving" this baby from being raised by a drug addict on the streets! This was about the baby, not about me! Did I want him? Well, yes, obviously I very much so did.

As much as I love Emma, I could not love her more then I do, I missed things with her. I got her at 4 1/2 months old. I miss those months. The infertile in me longed to experience pregnancy and I was promised I'd get to experience that vicariously through Sam. I longed to hold a new born little baby and not have to hand it over to it's parents when I was done. I was promised I would get that. Haven't you ever had a broken promise???

I just went through a 7 month long adoption scam and yet this comment makes me feel like the bad guy! Was I dumb for believing Sam? Yeah. Feel free to judge and ridicule me! Was I aware of the red flags that came up in the past 7 months? VERY! I have had weird feelings about this since the day Sam told me she wanted me to adopt this baby. BUT, I went with it. What if there really was a baby? Would I want that baby to be homeless and then end up in foster care? No. Should I try to help this baby if there was one? Yes. Should I of demanded proof of pregnancy 7 months ago? Yep. It's a mistake I will never make again! At the same time I didn't want to offend Sam. I didn't want her to think I was un-trusting by forcing her to take a pregnancy test in front of me. What if I did that and I offended her so much she decided to keep the baby and it ended up on the streets with her or in foster care in another state?

To be honest, as crazy as the past 7 months have been, I wouldn't change much of it. I don't regret my open adoption with Sam. (FYI it is no longer open!) I was able to get info and pictures from her that most adoptive foster parents NEVER get! I don't regret that, not one bit. I have another post coming about how I've made contact with Emma's birth families because of this. I'm excited to see how those relationships go! Don't worry, our "relationships" are just being FB friends and sharing pictures of Emma with them, I am being careful!!!

Oh and I've been through counseling/ therapy and I do get the whole "What did you have to gain by doing that or acting that way?" thing. The person you should be asking that to is Samantha!

I've know for just over 13 hours now and although I still want to bawl about it, I feel pretty good! I will write more once our families are informed! and if any family reads this and finds out that way, I'm sorry and please don't tell our parents before we do!

Another thing I have realized as I have been chatting with Mama Lark- I've been a LOT of stuff in my life and this just feels like one more thing to add to the pile. Really, as hurt and angry as I am, it's not that big of a deal. No one died, no one was physically hurt, life will go on! I don't blog on here about it all, but the short version of my life story: Parents divorced when I was 1-month-old, My dad gave up his parental right when I was about 7-months, My mom died (which I a horrible, scaring story in it self) when I was 7, I was adopted by my grand parents who could not seem to keep a single promise to me ever, my grandpa was Extremely verbally abusive, I made my mistakes with trying to deal with said abuse (I'm open about, just don't feel like sharing on this blog, e-mail me if you wanna know!), went to counseling and changed my life, met the man of my dreams and married him less then 6 months later, after getting married I all of a sudden recalled sexual abuse that happened with a non-relative, more counseling that ended badly, then there's the whole infertility stuff, followed by more counseling that was a good experience, Oh and I'm skipping the whole my bio-dad is a crazy liar like Sam and I ended up having to cut all ties with him after getting hurt emotionally, had some good and bad foster care experiences, then we got and adopted Emma. Really, an adoption scam isn't that huge to me on this list of crap I've been though!!!

It's been a long 7-month ride, I'm glad it's over though. It just means I can fianlly move on with my life!


Ashley said...

Ugh, it kills me that you're going through this. I'm so sorry.

-C- said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through this and have to deal with the haters on top of it. I went through a very similar experience last July. It is awful being kicked when you are down, and for us too it was just the latest blow in a series of them. I'm glad you have one baby girl at least to hold tight through all of this. I hope things get better soon.

Katrina said...

I'm so sorry you got negative comments for people in your time of grief. I pray that your heart will heal quickly.

Alex and Sarah said...

So sorry DMN. It is horrible to be lied to and I don't think you could have really known. It sucks that you are going through this and I know from experience it feels just like a miscarriage or a failed placement.

The Smiths said...

I am so sorry :( Praying for you.

Tamara ViAnn said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sadly it's not the first time I've heard of a birth mom scamming their bio child's adoptive family. It boggles my mind really. Again, so sorry. I hope your able to pick of the pieces and move on with life.

O'Melly said...

It sounds like you've been through a lot, sorr to hear of your sad news.

Out of curiousity (and it's fine if it's none of my business) and I'm not sure how adoption processes work, but couldn't you get lawyers involved? Was this thing with Sam legal?