Sunday, March 27, 2011

Forgiveness

I know some people might not agree with my current feelings towards Samantha in regards to what she did to us, but let me lay it all out for you.

The past week I have thought a LOT about my life's experiences and forgiveness. I've had to work on forgiving people for fairly serious things more times then one person should have to. The main thing that kept running through my mind happened a few weeks after Isaac and Madison left. My husband and I were at some relatives house to talk to them about how I was currently in counseling because of some sexual abuse that happened to me as a teenager. This (very close) relative's response to this topic, "Forgive and forget!". Now, this was my third time in counseling. Time #1 was because of my dad's abuse. Time #2 was because of the sexual abuse, but my counselor was an idiot and it ended badly. Then time #3 I had an awesome counselor and it all worked out. Now I know "forgive and forget" isn't how it all works, it's just not that easy!

Now when it came to Sam lying to us a lot of responses have been "I hope she's never a part of your lives again." I keep comparing the deeds that were done to me and the reactions. When I started telling family members about my dad's abuse the reactions were "You're just too sensitive, what he says wouldn't both other people!" another response was, "Yeah I know, so?" I was expected to continue contact with him, to act as if he didn't do anything wrong. I was viewed as the bad/ messed up one. Through counseling I worked on forgiving him. I went through a counseling group called SOLE and that changed everything. Over the years I have set certain boundaries with him that make being around him (almost) bearable at times. Our phone conversations go something like- Dad "How are you doing? Anything new or exciting going on?" Me: "No. Can I talk to mom?" then my mom comes on the phone, Me: "We're going to be adopting Emma!" Yes, I would say I still have some spite there, I just don't enjoy talking to him. He is not allowed to watch my children unattended, we will not ride in the car if he is driving (he's also an alcoholic) and a few other things. The things my dad has done and sometimes still tries to do have been horrible, way worse then what Samantha did!

Then there was the sexual abuse. I won't go into the details. I am not in contact with the person who did it, but for a while I was in contact with him mom. Like I said, people just expected me to simply forgive him and move on with my life. The things he said and did were horribly awful. Again, through counseling I worked on things and have come to forgive him. Now, I don't ever want contact or a relationship with him, but I have no reason to have one. He isn't family nor is he related to my child.

Samantha's lies: All I can think about is if given the choice of abuse #1, abuse #2 or Sam's crap, I'd pick Sam's lies and crap in a heartbeat to have to deal with again! I also keep thinking, if I could forgive my dad and my sexual abuser, why can't I forgive Sam? Now, that doesn't mean I will completely trust her again. It does not mean that she will have free rain over the adoption. There is still a lot to work out. There will be a lot of boundaries, but that's what keeps things healthy and safe. She is not allowed to baby-sit Emma or even have unsupervised visits with her. While she is in jail I am going to write to her, that will give us a good 6 months to a year just to write and work on things. Once she is out of jail I will re-evaluate how things are going and see from there. For now my thoughts (for once she is out) are that our main contact will be online. I will post new pictures of Emma on Facebook and put how she is doing and what she is up to. We might message back and forth, but that might be all. No visits (if we do, they will be in a public place), no invites over to our house for dinner, no just hanging out because we are/were friends, no helping her when she's in a pinch, nothing of those sorts.

I'm sure most of you are thinking I'm the worlds biggest idiot for even thinking about forgiving Sam. No matter what she does, or what I do, nothing can change the fact that she is my daughter's birth mother. I'm sure are thinking "But, Sam's into drugs!" She says she is going to get help. Plus, my dad is an alcoholic and a mean/ jerk one at that! I literally almost kicked him out of his own house at Emma's birthday party! Also, my whole family is in denial about my dad, he is a Saint and can do no wrong! I keep thinking, at least Sam admits she has problems unlike my dad!

Obviously if my relationship with Sam continues to remain un-healthy I will end it. But, I believe in forgiveness and second chances.

To read more about my stories, experiences, thoughts and feelings on the abuse go (HERE)

1 comment:

Thyme said...

My biological father is a lot like that, abusive, but I'm the bad guy. I think you are a very strong person to put up with Sam's crap and then forgive her. That takes a special kind of person :)